Letter that I never gave

I lie, I utterly lie when I say that "I'm fine".

I have not been "fine" since that bloody afternoon on the 24th of August, when you stopped being by my side

After all, we weren't "fine" if we were together either.. so I had to make that decision

But.. is there a way to just love.. without hurting each other every single time?!

Your love healed me! It healed me from the eating disorders that impacted my life for several years. And now you're the same reason I fell back into that pit, into that void that I'm trying to fill up with any type of crappy food I bump into.

I started hurting myself again and I cannot stop.

Are you happy to know that you were right when you claimed "If it wasn't for me you'd still have Bulimia", you narcissistic being?

I want to show you that you're not right. I want to react, yes, be stronger. But then I lose myself again so easily, I just dive again in the void and my impulsiveness tragically wins over my self control.

I'm sorry to push you away from me, I was forced to do so, the relationship just wasn't healthy.. I still think that it was a good decision then, but being an insecure person always makes me doubt about my choices. So here I am, thinking over and over what I could have done better, how I could have saved our relationship, how you could have saved it and trillians of unrealistic scenarios unfold in front of me.

But it's too late and I can't get over it, although I broke up with you and although I know it was a good decision.. ain't that crazy?! I can't get over a decision that I, myself, made. The level of insecurity is massive.

I wish I could forget all this, but you know what? I could move to a new city, change landscapes and scenarios in front of my eyes, but I'll always remain under the same sky..

And so memories will stay inside of me no matter where I go and what I do about my future.

Yes, despite all the despair and the drama we lived, you turned my heart around, I felt peaks of passions that I could never imagine, and I thank you for that. If you really meant it, when you said "you really turned my life around", then you won't forget me too.

I don't regret any promise of words of love I said to you, everything was fully and wholeheartedly felt, and although we're not together anymore, those words will be never taken back.

What I felt and still feel for you will be a blessing and a curse, as I will indeed always love you, no matter if you hate me, no matter if you decided not to hear from me anymore.. I will truly love you

I will duly remember all the mistakes you and I did, so that I'll be a better lover for the next partner by my side...so that the sacrifice of this relationship was worth it.

I won't deceive myself, I know we'll never get back together, I know that you and I have different destinies to live

So, I'll let you go

And don't worry, I'll face my eating disorders with bravery and compassion, I'll do my best to love myself more in this healing process and I'll win this battle.

I'm not weak! Or maybe I am... yes I am, but I don't want to repress my weaknesses, my fragilities.. I just want to accept them and strenghen them.. maybe that's what strong people do.

V.