Let's unpack Christmas

Just came back from having Christmas dinner at my parents' house. And to be honest, it was a lot...I had wine to cope, so that was helpful.

We had planned it, in advance. Something that I noticed from the start (which I will get into later, was how my mom was pushing my boyfriend and I to stay the night, even though we live 20 minutes away, but she didn't want us to drive 20 minutes away)...Like I said, more on that later.

In general, the night was good. There was this other couple originally from Zimbabwe, but moved to South Africa, that mom met over the summer and she invited them. They arrived at the same time, as my partner and I pulled into the driveway.

We met and mingled with them and they were so chill, very calm, very funny, and personable people. It made me reflect on my childhood friends…what this long-lost friend I once met online, would have been like or sounded like in real life. I said real life because we actually never met in person, it was only over Facebook chats and WhatsApp video calls.

I was reminded of my childhood best friend, quite a few times, as she’s also from Zimbabwe and speaks Shona as the guests did, but I’m not sure why that didn’t come up. I guess I was processing. Another thing is that their son was so cute, I was so drawn to him. I loved observing and watching, so curious and well-mannered, for a 22-month-old. I sipped a glass of wine.

Oh, another thing too, yesterday my mom texted me, I’m not sure why I chose not to message back, but she made it a big deal today, in front of everyone. I just didn’t feel like messaging back, but she made it seem like it was something so urgent that I had to respond to. The text was, which music beat pad should my 8-year-old brother get for Xmas?

Just to give a bit of context, he's 8, 17 years younger than me and in the best way possible, the golden child. Gets everything he wants. He doesn't realize it, only my mom realizes it and she's more strict when it comes to buying him things, by my dad ,on the other hand, doesn't realize he's spoiling him too much. Perhaps it's because he had nothing growing up, and this generation is full of abundance and wealth.

So I see this text and automatically go, "as if that child doesn’t have everything he wants". It was definitely my inner child, feeling hurt. It stung, just a little. That’s probably why I was ignoring it all day. I know, I know, it’s petty. I was given a lot as a child, but I was certainly afraid to ask for things. I also knew it was a different time back then early 90s into the 2000s, only my dad was working, and studying and raising two kids, unnecessary gadgets and toys weren’t among his priorities. But I guess flash forward 17 years later, he gets to have everything. And I can’t complain. I have to watch it play out.

I know it's all negative energy. I don’t want that. I am just …getting out my feelings while…I take a breath in and out…to unpack Christmas dinner. It was just annoying. I felt annoyed. I downed another glass of wine.

What else….I wasn’t afraid to use my voice. My voice got stronger. In front of my dad. I mean, that’s something that I used to struggle with hard. I was always afraid that I wasn't smart enough or could speak properly because that's what I told growing up..especially when it came to talking to other people in front of my dad, I wanted to sound intelligent and well-read and articulate, and tonight I did. I trusted my voice. Seeing the ease, my twin sister had, made me want to speak up and use my voice.

It was definitely nice to share a bit of South African experiences…school systems, Mandela, languages, and accents, I relished it. It brought me back to my roots.

Also, another thing…my 8- year-old brother, may or may not unpack a lot of ‘trauma’ when he gets older.

Even though I'm secretly jealous of the golden child status that he has, he'll always be my lil' bro, who I obsessively worry about and root for him in every way possible.

The rejection of his ‘identity and who he chooses to identify with’, gets laughs, and weird faces, from his family and our friends. For example, like when we all huddled up to take a group picture, he wanted to do a certain pose, and I was encouraging of it, but no one else was. I heard my sister say…. “don’t copy anyone else… be yourself”… he doesn’t understand that concept. Better yet, when we were younger, there was always someone else we identified with. Beyonce. Alicia. Britney, I grew up watching MTV, so those were predominately my idols.

I understood, but everyone else didn’t. I just am curious to know what it is about the idols that he identifies with….

Also another thing…Mom was trying ever so hard to get us to stay the night. Ever so hard. Prior to coming over, we had told her that, that we might (emphasis on the might) and if we feel like it, we will stay the night. We packed a bag, just in case, and left it in the back seat of the car.

By the end of the night, I couldn't help but feel bad, as we were getting into the car and it was starting to snow. I didn’t intend on hurting her feelings, and my intentions were not bad.

But maybe it’s pride. Maybe I’m like, no, we have our own space, thanks, but no thanks. But I simply did not want to, stay over, energy-wise. It's too much.

A couple of hours in the day is good with my family, but not a whole day. There’s a reason I moved out. I don’t know, maybe I love being on my own, in my own space. I’ve lived with my parents for the last 24 years of my life, I've only lived on my own for a year…so maybe it is a pride thing, I don’t know.

So while we're seated around the table, with a spread of food, and each person at every chair, all of these thoughts are running through my head. Nevertheless, it wasn't bad spending time with them, it's all observations and sharing them.

How was your Christmas?