Learning to Love Me

"My heart was yearning for him."

"My body called his named."

"it was like gravity was pulling us together."

"i couldn't stop myself, At that moment..."

"My marraige meant nothing." I said to andrae (My Bestfriend)

"And now?" he asked

"And now i have to live with the decision that i've made." i told him

Truth is, i regret leaving my husband terry for detrell. Terry was so good to me. He would do anything to keep me happy and he would never put his hands on me. Unless he was pleasuring me of course. Detrell on the other hand is the devil. He walks around like he's some God. he expects me to praise, please, and obey. And if i dont i'll get punished.

"So, just keep trying to hide black eyes and busted lips?"

"Bitch, you sound so stupid right now." Adrae said

"it's not that bad drae. it's called submitting to your husband." I assured him

"WOW, i think you may have misinterpreted that."

"i'm sure no one meant let your husband dog walk you around the house." he said in a serious tone.

"whatever, anyway what's been up with you?"

"How's Lawrence?" i asked him trying to change the subject.

"girl, that man is making my life hard right now."

"he refuses to introduce me to his family and he still hasn't let me come over his house." he told me.

"Maybe he hasn't come out yet or maybe he has a wife and kids." i said

"Maybe, but whatever is it i'm going to find out."

"shit, i'm to damn sexy to be played. how can you resist this tall dark chocolate." he asked jokingly.

Adrae is fine. tall, dark skin, with full plump lips. we dated awhile back in college when he was still trying to find his self. i caught him sleeping with my professor when i returned home early from visiting my parents. I was heartbroken at first but i have so much love for him and he had became a big part of my life so we decided to stay friends and we have been ever since.

"I know that's right." i replied. i tried to hide the bitter look on my face but i couldn't help it. i miss feeling confident and free. some how i lost my self.

"what's wrong?" Andrae asked

"Nothing, why did you ask that?" i asked as if i didn't already know.

"I know you Ciana. i can tell that no good ass nigga is bringing you down."

"Listen, I know things are tough right now but your strong. you need to remember who you are and walk away." Adrae said

"I'm scared drae plus look at me. do you really think someone could love me?" i asked as i tried to hold back the tears that were clouding my eyes.

"Do you love you?" he asked

"Wh- what?" i asked. i heard him but i couldn't comprehend the question.

"How do you expect someone to love you look at what your standing for."

"your relationship and choice of men is a reflection of how you view and value yourself." He said

it hurts because he's right. i hate that.

Later that night as i lay in bed alone once again. i began to think about what andrae said. i am better than this i am stronger than this. i am every thing i say i am.

just as my thoughts of positivity and self worth began to fester i heard footsteps and then the bedroom door opened and there stood Detrell.

"mmm, i couldn't get lucky at the bar so you'll have to do bend over." He said as he walked over to me.

"No, i wont be your punching anymore. im done." i told him i stood up

"you must be crazy. do you know who you taking too?" He said as he grabbed my neck

I headbudded him and he let go i ran to the closet and picked up one of his golf clubs. before he could get up and come for me i hit him in temple twice with the golf club. He called out in pain and i stood there for a minute watching the blood run down the side of his face.

I grabbed what i could get and took a couple of credit cards an fled. i didn't know where i was running too but i couldn't stop running. i felt so free like i could finally breathe. And now im free to find me and love me.