Le Narcissique

To the English speaking mind ‘narcissique’ may sound like some kind of debonair styled etiquette, a range of risqué avant garde lingerie or scented candle inspired by Gwyneth Paltrow’s imagination, perhaps. It’s not though. Just the word ‘narcissist’ in French.

Yes, I can actually hear you asking with almost a hint of ‘screen-age’ scrutiny why I would do such a thing. Why the heck would I give a word so heavily pregnant with subfuscous meaning the fancy flair of its French translation? Well, I’ll tell ya why. It’s a sizzling, sparkling and spot on example of what ‘the narcissist’ will first do. Blind you with blissful balderdash...basically.

While wrestling with the wrathful ego of a narcissist one may wonder where the exit door is. There isn’t one. The only way to go is around and around and around crazy town. First stop queried confusion, next stop frantic frustration, followed by cranial combustion. If you’re given the complete tour you may very well end up at the overwhelming heights of explosive rage, eventually left peering down at the person you thought you once were, feeling nothing other than shameful regret.

A narcissist will deny saying something a matter of minutes after saying it. Naturally you’ll attempt to quote what was said, hoping to refresh their memory. Don’t bother. They may remain so adamant this was not said even you might start to doubt whether they did or not. This is referred to as ‘crazy making’. Good name for it.

It seems hopeless trying to reason with a narcissist. Just as exhausting it can be endeavouring to steer a tantrum throwing two year old into a place of possible recognition that a demand they’ve made cannot be met, the narcissist will struggle to understand why you won’t give them what they want, and you’ll be left feeling drained. As many a parent wanting to pull their own hair out can eventually give in just to keep some kind of peace, you may also. All they want is what they want. Your feelings or predicament do not count.

These narcissists don’t sound very ‘narcissique’ do they? You must be wondering who the heck would put up with such nonsense and how anyone could become so attracted to spending time with one.

One of the many insight infused sayings my dear mother would relay to me as a child was “Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we choose to deceive.” This comes to mind when I think of the way a narcissist will approach their prey. Beside being either consciously or subconsciously calculative, manipulative and utterly infuriating, narcissists can be charismatically alluring.

Le Narcissique will lavish their target with an abundance of attentive endearment. Possibly quite like noone has ever done before. You may feel as though you are finally being appreciated in the way you’ve always wished and wanted. Just like anything that makes you feel good it can become quite addictive. They will drench you with compliments and paint pictures of wonder in your mind. Bewitched you become. Then they’ll drop you like a hot potato as the good saying goes. A Narcissique’s target can be left feeling abandoned and astonished, craving the juice of that joy they had experienced.

From my own experience the drop usually occurs if you aren’t in alignment with what this Narcissique wants from you. You are misbehaving as far as they are concerned and must be punished or at the very least reminded of how empty you will now feel without their attention. No one likes to feel too hot or too cold. We all want comfortable warm. Standard temperature to function with clarity. You will never get this from them. It will always be a bouncing back and forth like a tennis ball situation between hot and cold. A longing to meet somewhere in the middle where everything is ok may completely override a target’s train of thought. Spider webs are sticky and so are the weavings of a Narcissique. Yes, even the most intelligent people can become stuck.

The arguments and mayhem that may ensue will have a target feeling doubtful of themselves. Such as “ If this person who thought so highly of me and seemed to actually see me as noone has done before, who I’ve been vulnerable enough to entrust with and indulge precious insecurities in confidence, suddenly thinks not much of me at all now...it must be me.”

Throw in the loss of face from being pushed to the brink of insanity and flipping out from time to time via copious loopings of ‘crazy making’ and you have a person who now doesn’t regard themselves very highly anymore. May even feel indebted to the narcissist out of shear guilt for harsh words exchanged in moments of pure anger and frustration which are usually uncharacteristic.

And how did this all come to be? Narcissists seem to have a knack for confusing their target to the point of forgetting how it even began or what was said or achieved during.

They fuel from your soft spots, knowing how to reveal them too. This is all an attempt to control you in order to gain what they need. Targets will be broken apart in so many different ways that they had no idea could fall to bits. Left feeling lost and broken, they somehow also feel completely reliant on the one who did this to put them back together again.

Once a narcissist has you trapped, the vicious cycle of insane ways to derive from you what they want will spin and spin way out of control if you let it. And you will. Unwillingly.

What I’ve learned after my own experiences in the clutches of a Narcissique and readings of research revealed by various experts is that the first step in stepping the heck away and finding that exit or escape route is to become aware of what exactly is going on.

When you can finally pinpoint the ‘love bombing’ and ‘crazy making’ and possess the realisation that this person you are dealing with will never be capable of completely caring about anything other than their own needs you may be able to quit investing in them. Little by little you can become unstuck. See it all for what it is. See them for what they are. Lose the self doubt and need for their attention or approval.

If you are in the spiralling web you may need every bit of education or assistance you can get. Just remember this if anything. The good feeling you are attempting to obtain again and again from Le Narcissique is nothing more than a placebo. It’s not real and never actually existed. As convincing as they may have been.

At the end of the day shouldn’t we all learn to purely count on our own self belief and praise or approval? Strap ourselves with enough knowledge to protect ourselves from wolves dressed in sheep’s clothing? That is exactly what they are. Wolves in sheep’s clothing. The ‘Narcissique’ collection.

You may have at first imagined it’d be a fairytale with this person. Well, you were kinda right. Just not in the way you imagined. They aren’t the handsome prince or pretty princess they initially appeared to be, you see. They are the monster in your story. The baddie. The witch. The evil troll. You’ve merely been under their spell.

When I was a little girl I absolutely adored Jim Henson’s 1986 fantasy film ‘The Labyrinth’. Watched on repeat. Had no idea at the time, though, it’d turn out to be teaching me a valuable life lesson for the future in my very late 30’s. It did, however, and I’d like to share this with you.

If you haven’t watched yourself already, the film was based upon the story of a girl in her mid-late teens who wished her crying baby stepbrother would be taken away by the Goblin King she’d read about in fairytales. To her shocking discovery the Goblin King had heard her and taken the child away. In order to get him back she had to journey through a dark and twisted ‘Alice in Wonderland’ type labyrinth. Time was of the essence also. Little did she know this king had made the task impossible for her.

Every time the teen felt as though she was figuring out the way and getting closer to her baby brother something bizarre would unfold to distract her. Though feeling so helpless at times she remained determined. The Goblin King was surprised by her perseverance. He even attempts to seduce her.

Finally, the young girl realises that it’s all just a sham. The only real way out of it was to stop allowing the Goblin King to possess any power over her. All the way along the trials and tribulations she faces throughout this incredible journey, unlocking near impossible codes and learning the peculiarly unfair rules that were not forewarned, she finds that all she had to do right from the start was not give this imaginary king any power.

Her final words to allow the entire nightmare to stop were... “Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the child that you have stolen. For my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom is as great... You have no power over me.”

Then she repeated “You have no power over me” again with more conviction. And again until everything blew apart into a haze. She found herself back home. In the comfort of her bedroom. Her baby brother was safe at home too. All was well.

That’s exactly how to deal with Le Narcissique.

The End.

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