Last Saturday

A beam of light touched my hand as the sun shifted into mid-morning through the stained glass windows. Somehow surprised by its warmth, I studied my hand for a moment, being woken from the haze of the distant macrocosm I had escaped into. Only to be woken back to this reality. Again I was reminded of the man speaking. Of his too-sharp voice and of how inconsequential his words were to our grief. He droned on with an unworthy remembrance of a life few could compare to in dignity-and not in one of those “don’t speak ill of the dead” kind of ways. Sure, the truth of him was more complicated and despite his constant cheer he had darkness. Passed to him by others who had the misfortune of being touched by some of the worst of humanity. Though unlike the others, he never passed it on. Occasionally it would erupt into a need for action, distraction, dance, noise, laughter-anything other than the silence. But never into harm. He was an infrequent kind of soul. Never stained by the dark, yet still strong enough to carry others out of it and into light. That’s what he did for me. But not even that lasts forever.

With these thoughts I felt my heart rise into my throat and my veins pulse with a need to burst out of this seat and run or scream or fight. But instead I held my breath, hoping the lack of air could take some of the fury from me. So l tucked into myself and let tears fall silently down my face. I watched the dust play in the streaks of sun and willed myself to be absent again from a world that moved forward, naively, as if it didn’t know it would never be the same. I felt a shift in the crowd and I looked up again to see the speaker being replaced with someone else. I watched the back of a man’s head as they shook hands and noticed as they did that his entire palm gripped something in his left suit pocket. He turned to face us and I felt my heart rise again into a place it couldn’t possibly be. His face so much like his cousin’s, though his eyes were gray. Deep but reflective in a way you rarely saw. He looked older than I remembered but no worse. He was dressed better than anyone here and from what little I had heard in the years since we’d grown apart he was definitely more dangerous. He wore a smile, as he greeted the crowd and for a second his eyes picked me out and rested. Only a small moment, but enough to panic my senses. Memories attempted to flood me and destroy the homeostatic void I had created to survive this day. It was right that he should speak today, even if words could never be enough.

Though they had chosen different paths the two had always had a kinship no one could touch. They were always together as kids. If you had memories with one you most likely had them with both and though darkness had permeated the man who now held our attention it could not destroy their connection. You could see it in the secret language they spoke in a glance. Before I was privy to the details I had wondered what these looks had meant. It seemed that they had agreed early on that no one else they loved would be such a victim of the darkness we grew up in. They became our protectors, though in different ways. Even while having fun they were always aware, watching. Some part of their brain waiting for the next act to break out, as it inevitably would in this place. One ready for a fight and the other kept away the monsters by playing angles we didn’t yet know existed and kept smiles on our faces with games made to keep us safe and in sight .

I remember a simultaneous hyper-awareness and yet distant glaze in the eyes of the man I would never see again. Though most who knew him wouldn’t notice. They would just say he was happy and fun, always quick with a joke and a laugh. He took care to listen, really listen to what you had to say. He was always looking for the truth in you, and reminding you of how to be happy again. He showed us that if we owed the world anything we owed it our happiness. Even though he was never truly without the dark he carried.

His cousin thanked everyone for coming. His voice held a tone that seemed out of place here, almost cheerful. He paused and took from his pocket a little black book. Removing the elastic strap that held it closed he opened to the page marked by a thin ribbon. “And now, as requested, we will hear from the man himself.”

Seats creaked and cracked as the crowd stirred. There was a collective breath and more than a few murmurs. I too took a breath to keep my head from spinning. Of course he would.

He spoke again, his tone the antithesis of the man who spoke before. More playful too than you would normally hear coming from him. It had only occasionally been heard after a few drinks with a trusted few people. A voice much closer to his cousins than you would normally realize.

“Hello, my friends, well, hello and goodbye it would seem. I know you must be devastated to lose a man such as myself. Who wouldn’t be though?” you could hear the mix of confusion and laughter. “I’d like to thank you for coming here today. I know it must have taken great effort. I can see you now wading through the rivers of tears that fill the streets.” The man next to me breathed out heavily while also releasing a small chuckle. His cousin carried on “Paddling your little boats and passing the ladies crying ‘oh no, not the handsome one!’ and the others yelling ‘don’t forget he was the funny one too.’ But we aren’t here to talk about how great I am-wait yes we are! In that case don’t forget I was incredibly intelligent and always remember to remember how humble I was.” The small chuckles now turned to full laughs, giving in to the absurdity of a dead man talking.

The man speaking breathed in and continued “Honestly though friends I want you to know that in a world that only wants you to be on to the next thing and back to work, I am incredibly grateful for the moments we stole together. I have loved your moments of truth, some just seconds of ridiculous joy that lasted a lifetime replaying in my mind. The honesty I saw in you was beautiful. I wish you could have seen yourselves when the right words unlocked a laugh or a song hit you just right.” Everyone listened intently now, feeling again, despite themselves. Still holding steady smiles. His cousin looked up quickly, scanning the crowd with a smirk on his face, then spoke strongly, doing all he could to give justice to the words “I’ve loved these moments. From the quiet rebellions to the all-out breakdowns. The hormone fueled adventures or anxiety driven rampages. Trust me, there’s more than a few legends in this room.” Everyone looked to each other now, smiles wide and eyes alight. Sharing this moment.

“Now as a cultured and educated man I would like to share with you a few universal truths to live by. These things I have picked up and pieced together in my diverse lifestyle and now I offer them to you all and free of charge! Firstly, we all have a short amount of time before a guaranteed end, so squeeze all the beauty you can out of it. Seriously, really ring it dry. Second-and this is important -if you have a trunk full of fireworks You don’t light a smoke and have a little daydream” Laughs and groans come from a group of men over to my right. One of them grabs another by the shoulders and shakes him. The rest of the crowd laughs with them, enjoying the scene placed in their minds. “Third, no matter what anyone says Swarf is a perfectly good scrabble word. Even if a drunk man tackles you after you use it.” You could hear his voice being given to us by the man who knew him best. He captured his cousin’s playfulness. A playfulness they shared but you rarely saw displayed by the one who held our attention.

He took an audible breath and spoke firmly “Finally I have loved all of you, every day of my life. Even if you didn’t know it and even if you were being a real prick that day." A woman behind me let out a sharp definitive laugh. "So, good morning, good afternoon and good night to you all. For every day you get to be here, and by the way, you don’t have to tell me, I knew all along you had a thing for me.” The man’s eyes flicked in my direction once more and as he smirked the entire crowd laughed and exchanged glances. We hung in that moment for a few seconds. Some still laughing, tears streaming down their cheeks.

The man with gray eyes closed his book, looked up and gave us a nod as he put it back into his pocket and walked out from behind the podium. He disappeared into a room just off to the side, flanked by other men that I hadn’t noticed before. Now the crowd was filled with the hum of life. Talking, laughing and soon began the shuffled movement together out onto the steps squinting in the light. There were more words and stories and promises to meet. There were hugs that touched my skin like the sun did. For the first time in so long I ached with life. Then came word of where to meet for the food. Alive again, we were all hungry.

As I walked around the building to my car I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned as an instinct before I thought and found myself looking into deep gray eyes and a smile. For a moment I just looked. I stared into him and into our past, too overwhelmed for words. Then we wrapped our arms around one another and I rested my head onto his shoulder. The tears came without consent and he held me tightly as I shook with the force of them. When I had reached the end I lifted my head, wiping the tears off his suit and we smiled together again. We spoke briefly. Small talk was never for him and between us there was no need for games. He walked me to my car, watching me and everyone and everything as we went.

We promised not to be strangers any longer. He touched my arm. A static cracked and we laughed at the surprise of it. A crisp, real laugh. We hugged again and kissed for the first time in so long. He placed one last kiss on my forehead and said “I’ll meet you there?” I nodded and smiled and he let go. “by the way there’s something he left for you. I put it in there.” He said this with a smile walking backwards, still looking at me. I looked into my car and saw an large orange envelope tucked under the passenger seat. “You broke into my car?” I said half laughing as I looked up but he was already getting into his own car. I opened the bag and froze for a moment before collecting myself enough to count it silently. Twenty thousand dollars. “holy shit."