Kalli

So this is the absolute true story about the the day my life changed forever little did I know I would never again be the girl I once was, for better or worse nothing in my life would ever be the same. I was 19 years old and had just come home from vacation, Florida for my very first time!!! It was absolutely amazing! We stayed in the most beautiful condo overlooking white sand beaches, I had never seen anything so beautiful in my life!!!! Literally!!! We stayed for 9 glorious days and I loved every second. The only downside was that my very first love had to stay home in Tennessee. So it goes without saying that I missed him like crazy and that was the very first place I went when we got home, like I didnt even shower first! Gross right? Yeah but I didnt care and he damn sure didnt either! Before that trip we had never been apart for even 2 days so 9 was alot to say the least. Let me just get right to the point That was the night I got pregnant with my beautiful girl!! I had a really simple pregnancy no morning sickness didnt gain alot of weight not too mood swingy unless i missed my afternoon nap. I needed 4 hours in the afternoon no matter what!!! Kallis dad was amazing through my entire pregnancy funny but great. Even had an easy labor, I only felt one contraction (lucky me right?) and ta-da it was epideral time!! And before I knew it there was my perfect, beautiful, healthy baby girl!! I have never felt such love in my life, a completely indescribable love that I didnt know existed!!! We stayed 2 days then it was time to take her home and introduce her to her beautifully decorated nursery. These were the happiest moments of my life and if im honest they still are regardless of what happened next.....And nobody could have imagined in there wildest dreams what was to come during those moments of pure joy. But the next came really fast and really aggressively despite what we imagined! I was in no way shape or form prepared for what came next. How could I be? My brain couldnt even fathom the possibility of losing the happiness I had just been blessed with, i guess thats i get for thinking. And just like that here comes the unfathomable! So get ready here comes the loss of happiness.... and the loss of who I used to be and will never be again!

It was a Tuesday morning Kalli's dad always got up with her at night so I could sleep, he worked all day and wanted me to be well rested while I was taking care of her alone all day. He would always wake me up before he left and let me know when she was last fed and changed and how many bottles were in the fridge. Well I guess on this morning it was mothers intuition and I jumped up out of bed and asked if she woke up at all the previous night? She hadnt!! I ran to get her up checked her pamper it was dry tried to feed her and she was just staring right through me!!! I knew immediately something was very very wrong!!! Called the hospital and they told me get her there as fast as we could!! I have never been so terrified in my life and nobody would tell me anything which upped my panic to 1000%!!! They put her in the ambulance lights and sirens and rushed her to the childrens hospital! And we werent allowed to ride with her so my sweet baby was all alone, that still infuriates me! So we make it to the childrens hospital they immediately take her up to the NICU where she begins to have seizures one after another after another it was truly the most frightened I have ever been!! (keep in mind i got pregnant at 19 and had her 1 month after turning 20) I had never witnessed a seizure a day in my life and now im watching my sweet innocent baby girl seize uncontrollably to this day i can still see it like it was yesterday, that is something i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy!!! Just a piece of information for you new mamas and daddys out there when an infant seizes its not always what you imagine a seizure looks like. Sometimes it can be him or her flicking there tongue repeatedly and at the same pace while doing it especially if theyre eyes have a glazed over look at the same time. It can also be rapid blinking and you cant get there attention on you. Im in know way trying to scare you but nobody ever told me what to look for. Anyways back to kalli's story. We still didnt have a diagnosis but I pretty sure the Dr.S had a pretty good idea what was happening but most were not willing to talk to me or her dad. They just kept saying that old line "we have to run more tests" most annoying saying in the hospital ever! (In my humble opinion!) So a Lumbar Puncture is up first, I dont know if anyone knows what that is? But the stick a HUGE needle in your spine and draw out your spinal fluid to test. Its extremely painful to say the least. So the test came back positive for viral meningitis, which at the time i had seen the commercials to get your teens vaccinated for meningitis, but thats for bacterial meningitis!! I had absolutely no idea that babies were at risk for meningitis and i definatley was unaware that viral meningitis even existed. Kash (the sweet boy in the crib with my Kalli) had bacterial meningitis he still had a rough go of it for awhile but he survived and went on to live a normal happy life! Kalli on the 0ther hand had viral and antibiotics dont have an effect on viruses, we lived at the hospital literally and one day what I thought was the best day ever, we were told she was able to come home!!! I so greatful after all my prayers had been answered right? We got to stay home for 3 days and she started looking straight through us again! And this time we took her straight to the childrens hospital we stayed for about another month before decisions had to be made decisions my 19 yr old brain wasnr equipped to make. So I did what I thought was best for her because thats what true love is! She didnt get to come home to her beautifully decorated nursery again. And my life has never been the same in so many different ways! Never take life for granted always say i love you dont live in a place of guilt it only breaks you more. And whrn people are going through pain you dont yet understand please try and keep from saying "everything happens for a reason" Through all of these things I thank God everyday he gave her to me for a little while!! I learned so much from her and please dont take this as a sad story but a Love story insread!!!!