It's A Cop-out To Say You Don't Want Superficial Romance

Do you know what's socially cool right now? Pretending like we don't care about material things.

Even when we do. A lot.

Consumerism hasn't slowed down. Yet we all pretend like we're social warriors with a conscience, who don't care about the superficial world we're very much a part of.

And when it comes to romance, pretending not to care is deeply rooted. We like to pretend we don't care about costly romantic gestures. Expensive jewellery, buying and receiving flowers, expensive dinners at fancy restaurants.

If it costs more than a few dollars, it's too much, right?

Some of you truly have a conscience and don't subscribe to superficial romance, as we've branded it. Those of you know who you are.

You're against the superficial lifestyle and live and breathe it across every area of your life.

This isn't for you.

This is for the rest of you, pretending to look humble, pretending you don't care when you really do.

When you say you don't care about superficial romance, it's a cop-out. You do care, but for all the following reasons, you take the "high road" instead.

You secretly know you will never get it from your partner

It's easy to believe in anti-superficial romance when you know it's not something you're going to get from your partner.

It's like saying you don't like going to strip clubs because your partner is going to dump you if you do. Or like saying you don't like peanuts because you're allergic to them.

It's all the same; it's an excuse to cover up another reason.

It might have been something that diminished over time too. You had a superficial romance at the start of your relationship. But it fizzled out after the honeymoon period ended.

Or that you suffered financial hardship and haven't ever recovered from it. It's not something that's even an option for you.

That's ok by the way. If you can't afford romantic gestures, you can't afford them.

I've been there and not been able to buy the t-shirt.

But covering for the fact you can't by saying you don't like it is essentially lying.

Though I'm sure no one begrudges you for lying. Yet, no one would begrudge you telling the truth either. If that's what you want, it's what you want.

You don't want to return it or give it

I've met many people who roll their eyes in exhaustion at the thought of superficial romantic gestures for their partner.

This frustration is usually accompanied by a sigh, matching the reaction of a child who you've told you're going shopping for a new school uniform. They hate it, and would rather do anything else in the world.

My ex was the master of acting like this when the idea of romantic gestures came up. He said how much he hated Valentine's day and wasn't into the superficial romance side of life for most of our relationship.

I caught him talking about it with one of his friends when he didn't think I was listening. I heard him confess that he couldn't be bothered doing romantic gestures for me. He didn't have the energy, time, or patience for it.

It's not exactly heartwarming to hear this. Or to learn your partner is lying to cover how they feel. It's not exactly filling you with romantic desires.

Let's called a spade a spade. You're lazy.

It's ok; you don't have to be enthusiastic about doing everything. You don't have to have the energy for superficial romance. There are no rules here.

But saying you don't like it because you're being lazy is a cop-out. And that doesn't help anyone to truly understand your love language.

You think you sound better in the eyes of the public

I touched on this earlier but I wanted to dive deeper into the court of public opinion. We're heavily influenced by it, especially considering how much of our lives we share publicly. And how open we are to criticism.

From experience, we don't want to invite hate to ourselves.

To avoid attracting the haters, we lie. We say things that aren't necessarily true. Or we downplay our real feelings. Or we don't even talk about those topics at all. If you don't mention it, no one can come after you, right?

Superficial romance is no different.

We hide or lie about our desires for superficial romance for fear of judgement.

We also position ourselves as better people, online, because we aren't into these things. You can't hate us for being against consumerism and all that.

How do we position ourselves as better people?

We often do attack other people who are into superficial romance, blaming their obsession on consumerism.

And when we really get into it, we bring up the way women have been programmed to want superficial romance because of hundreds of years of the sexist divide.

We say anything to make that person feel stupid for wanting nice things from their partner. And their life together.

It's a funny reaction, by the way, considering what we were trying to avoid. We troll people to avoid other people trolling us. 

We're continuing a vicious cycle of minimising people's opinions.

You kid yourself to believe you don't need it

When you don't have a lot of money, a situation I've been in for most of my life, you learn a lot about wants and needs.

When you don't have the money to buy what you want, you have to focus on what you need.

It then becomes a battle in your head; if you don't need it, then you don't want it. It's self-preservation. Don't want something you're never going to get. Don't get your hopes up.

Superficial romance always goes into the wants pile rather than the needs pile.

Why?

Because the word superficial ensures it can never be a need. "Superficial" anything can never be a need. Society doesn't allow it.

But just because society likes to tell us what we want and need, it doesn't always get it right.

Everyone needs to feel spoiled every once in a while. Every person needs to feel that their partner wants to spend money on them and give them a lavish experience because they deserve it.

We're human beings. We like feeling special. We like how superficial gifts and experiences make us feel. It's ok to want to need the high every once in a while.

Now, does it become a need more than other things? Probably not. But it's a cop-out to say you don't need it when you do.

You think it makes you a better partner

I know many women who pretend they don't care about superficial romance because it keeps their partners, mostly men, happy.

It's what happened with my ex; if I had stayed silent about his laziness, I would've looked like this amazing partner. I didn't rock the boat by disagreeing with him. That must have made me pretty damn perfect.

Agreeing with something you disagree with doesn't make you a better partner. It makes you a liar.

It also makes you a partner they can't trust. If you can't be truthful about your wants for a little superficial romance, what else are you lying about?

And agreeing with them blindly doesn't stop them from hurting you, cheating on you and breaking up with you. Those things can happen despite your opinion on superficial romance.

Here's something we can all do

You don't have to justify wanting anything, superficial or otherwise. If you want someone to lavish you with gifts and take you on romantic dates every week, that's what you want.

It's your life to live. You have to be the one who dies happy at the end of the day.

I support you, no matter what. 

I'm not going to judge you for wanting those things. It would be nice if others didn't judge either. The circle of judgement has to stop somewhere. I'm hoping we can end it right here.

Stop lying to yourself and to the world

You could say this has nothing to do with romance.

My true protest is against the fakery in the world.

We started off by projecting fake, perfect lives on platforms like Instagram. Now we're resorting to the opposite; faking that we don't want those things. It's all faking. It's all lies.

And one of the worst things you can do in a relationship is fake it. Fake how you feel and what you want.

You aren't doing yourself any favours. You aren't bringing any happiness into your life. And it won't end well if you keep faking.

One day you will grow tired of faking and walk away. Then you will realise how it wasn't worth it, all those cop-outs. 

And how it didn't make your life any better.

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