In 2021, Effort Is Sexy AF!

‘I don’t have enough time to check my messages’.

‘I’ve just been so busy and tired’.

‘I don’t use my phone during weekends’.

‘I have two jobs, I’m just too tired’.

I’m sorry, I’m leaving these excuses in 2020, because that’s where they belong, with the rest of the trash year!

How many times do we try to convince ourselves that these could be true?

How many times do we make excuses for their excuses?

Don’t get me wrong, they actually could be true…

But let’s be honest, really brutally honest, it’s probably not true. As much as it hurts and pains us to think that the person we know, the person we met, could have such a Mr Hyde type personality hidden away.

How do you reconcile those two personas in your mind?

The one you met that caught your attention, that slowly cracked your defences and broke them down, and the one that you feel so distanced from, the ghost of a person that has made you lose your mind…

Which one are they really?

I keep comparing it to the person I first met… like they aren’t the same person. Because at the end of the day, if someone liked you, really liked you, they would invest in you!

They wouldn’t use these excuses.

Having two jobs shouldn’t stop you from contacting the person who gives you butterflies, someone who you may want to spend the rest of your life with.

You’re really going to go all day without speaking to that person? They’re really not going to contact you? And that’s okay?

No… I refuse to believe that.

I believed it the first time.

I told my friends it was fine that he wasn’t messaging me every day or during the weekends.

I was busy too!

I told myself that I was fine. I wasn’t.

I kept checking my phone. I was busy but I would’ve messaged him.

I would have prioritised you.

You just didn’t care enough to do the same…

No matter what, that has to be the bottom line.

He didn’t care enough…

* * *

Does he value you?

You can’t make someone put effort into something that they clearly don’t value.

You can have conversations about it and if they truly value you, your concerns will translate into action.

After going through this, I definitely realised how attractive effort is.

Are you wondering whether your situation fits this?

I did too. For the longest time.

He was so amazing the first week. It was exactly what I wanted. He said all the right things.

‘You could be the mother of my children’.

‘I don’t play games’.

‘If I wasn’t interested, I wouldn’t waste your time, that’s not fair’.

‘I don’t have a sister but I know if I did, I wouldn’t want someone to treat her like that’.

After I noticed a lack of effort the first time round, I thought I would be a healthy person and address it.

I gave him an out.

‘I just wanted to check if everything was okay with us, and if you are actually busy and you feel like this is a lot right now, I’d understand.’

He said everything was fine, and he’d try more, he was just a little busy and tired.

10 minutes in a day is definitely something anyone can do. I wasn’t asking for a lot.

‘You don’t have time for me to ask you about your childhood dog?’

He said he didn’t but he’d try.

* * *

I thought I wasn’t being played because guess what, HE TRIED!

He put effort in.

For about two days.

But you know what I noticed? He reciprocated… he didn’t really initiate…

* * *

NEW GAME PLAN: Check if he initiates and trial it for a week!

He was on probation.

He did… on Day 1.

He messaged during work hours, I didn’t see the message till after work.

I replied, it didn’t last long.

* * *

We walked to work together on Day 2.

He mentioned meeting up during my break. We met up, it was amazing. He was amazing, we spoke, he said he’d put effort in.

‘We’ll go out after lockdown, don’t worry’.

‘What was the name of your childhood dog?’

‘You dress so nicely, how can I not touch you?’

Looking back, my friend’s words resounded in my head… ‘He treated you like his wife when he was with you’.

That was the hardest part. I couldn’t combine the two personas I knew of him.

He was an oxymoron. My juxtaposition. And it made me insane…

The sweet caring person he was when we was with me, and the standoffish, absent concept of him when we were apart. Jekyll and Hyde. He kissed me on the cheek as he left the room he ensnared me in, and messaged me about the coast being clear.

I sent him a teasing flirty message, and he sent back emojis.

Our last contact.

* * *

Day 3 — nothing.

I decided I’d see if he’d message me first.

I was going to be strong and not give into the urge.

* * *

Day 4 — nothing.

He said he’d try, right?

* * *

Day 5 — nothing.

You chased me! I didn’t want this…

* * *

Day 6 — nothing.

You said you’d try…

You said you were honest.

You said you wouldn’t waste my time.

* * *

Day 7 — nothing.

Did I do something wrong?

Am I just not likeable?

If he was playing me and just wanted ‘the cookie’, he’d try harder?

I miss touching your face.

* * *

I didn’t do anything wrong.

There’s just different types of boys that mess around, I guess.

The ones that are sweet and have technically not done anything wrong but waste your time. Although, that is a wrong.

I’m sorry, I’m grown… don’t waste my time. It took a while for me to get to this stage and even think about the next time.

This is my new approach the next time something starts up.

* * *

My Relationship Look-Outs In 2021:

1) Don’t invest in someone based on how much YOU like THEM, instead make the investment in them dependent on HOW MUCH THEY INVEST IN YOU.

Advice from Matthew Hussey on relationships (if you haven’t watched his stuff, you definitely should!)

From the beginning, just be aware of how much they are investing into you, giving you time, showing you that they’re the person you should be giving your attention to.

2) Are you in the blue? (Matthew Hussey)

Look at the ratio of his messages to your messages. (This refers to iMessage but it’s really about any messaging platform).

Is it always your *blue* messages that you can see, while his are one word or one line grey responses? Just scroll through your chat, it’s easy to check.

It could be that he’s a bad texter, or it could be that he’s just not that committed.

3) He’s not where he wants to be in life and can’t commit!

(Advice from Steve Harvey from his book, ‘Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man’)

A man may not be able to be everything you want him to be if he is not where he wants to be in life.

If he isn’t progressing towards the job he wants, the goal he’s aiming for, he just can’t give you what you want or need in a relationship.

As women we think, but we can grow together, but apparently, they can’t always do that…

This guy wasn’t where he wanted to be, but I thought I could be his biggest supporter… never mind.

4) Don’t get touchy!

Now, this is very much a ‘me’ issue.

I wanted to please him so I let my boundaries down, did things that were unconventional for ME. I wanted him to like me…

No, you have to remember: YOU are the prize.

‘The one who controls ‘the cookie’, controls the game’ (Steve Harvey).

And I don’t think this should be a game, I hate games… I’m just trying to live my life, you’re supposed to be my peace, my support, not bring me pain and stress.

BUT, we control the time scale, don’t do things that make you uncomfortable.

5) A man either has a plan for you, or he’s going to play with you! (Steve Harvey)

So if you’re not seeing the investment, then unfortunately, he’s probably just playing.

I am now at a stage where I don’t want to ‘see where it goes’ with someone who I already know doesn’t tick the boxes I need. If I have stability, I want you to have stability.

Why should I expect less of someone than I do of myself?

I shouldn’t and you shouldn’t either.

* * *

Conclusion

You should be someone’s priority and they should absolutely make time for you, no matter how busy they are. Everyone can spare at least 10 minutes in a day for the person they are romantically interested in.

These are some of the things you should look out for:

1. How much are they investing in you, and then you could reciprocate their level of effort. Please don’t invest in them depending on how much you like them, they don’t deserve it.

2. Look at the ratio of your messages to their messages. Are you the one carrying the conversation most of the time? Please don’t be.

3. Where is he in his life? Does he have the ability to be in a committed relationship, or is something else more important, like his career? And is he unable to multitask?

4. You are the prize, you control the game, what are your boundaries? Don’t let him push them!

5. Does he have a plan for you? Or is he just playing with you? I’m pretty sure you’ll know if he has a plan for you, because he wouldn’t be messing around and making silly mistakes. Why? Because he wants to keep you.

* * *

Did he waste my time? Yes.

But I learnt something. What to do and what not to do.

I think that’s the biggest part of this. Of life.

And now, I’m not starting 2021 from nothing, I’m starting from experience.

I won’t sacrifice myself for what would please someone else, unless they show effort and sacrifice as well.

But for now, I’m focusing on my career, my education, my skills. I’m focused on making me the best possible person!

* * *

(Article first published on Medium.com)