If You Don’t Want to Date Shitty Men, Stop Going on Shitty Dates

I am not a relationship guru. What I am is an early millennial navigating the confusing world of modern dating through apps that have supposedly been “designed to be deleted”. Modern dating terrifies me. Considering that I met my previous boyfriends organically, loading up pictures of myself and including a short blurb that is meant to make me come across as fun, sophisticated, witty, intelligent and down-to-earth feels… fake, and desperate. My male friends confessed that they hardly read the other person’s profile, if at all. Yet, we continue to write our fun, sophisticated, witty, intelligent, down-to-earth blurbs and send our wishes profiles out to the massive universe called the internet.

Consequently, I have learnt a thing or two about dating through hard and not-so-hard ways. Whether you are a dating rookie or an expert, I hope that these little reminders will help you enjoy the dating world a little better.

1) Manage your expectations

You are finally meeting the person that you have been talking to for the last 3 weeks. On the phone, he is witty, charming and thoughtful. Is he “the one”? You try not to assume, but you are secretly hopeful.

It is perfectly normal to have expectations when you are meeting someone new, romantic potential or not. The important thing is to be realistic about your expectations before the hormones start raging. Don’t start planning weekend brunches after the first hug, or your wedding after the first kiss. Separate the ideal from the facts and take everything at face value. If you do not go into an interview expecting to already be given the job – it shouldn’t be any different when you go on a date.

2) Know what you want

Know what you are looking for at the outset. If you are a lifelong vegetarian, are you really okay with someone who isn’t? If you love outdoor adventure, could you really see yourself with someone who spends their weekends cosying up on the couch and reads all day?

Everyone is unique. There is nothing wrong with wanting different things, and the important thing is to know what the dealbreakers are for you and what aren’t. The risk of thinking that you may be okay with something in the future is that you may not be.

3) Recognising and acknowledging red flags

I went on a date with this guy once, where our walk ended up in a bookstore. I picked up Know My Name by Chanel Miller. He read the review quotes on the cover and burst out laughing. He pointed at the quote that reads: “Miller is one of the bravest writers I’ve ever had the pleasure of reading”. She is merely writing about the sexual assault she had been through, he said, and they’re calling her brave? Like a soldier who fought in a war?

The guy’s behaviour was a red flag. His making fun of a sexual assault survivor’s account showed his attitude towards the matter and, quite possibly, towards women. I regret not walking out then and there to this day.

Recognise those warning signs. Does your date talk incessantly about his achievements or his looks? Does he talk down to you? Is he being sexually overt to the point of you being uncomfortable? Are they rude to the waiter?

Trust your gut. If it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.

4) Set your boundaries

Myth: boundaries make me seem uptight, uncool, or plain right boring. WRONG.

Self-esteem is how you see yourself and how you allow the world to see you. Setting boundaries is drawing a line around your self-esteem, preserving and protecting it. If your self-esteem has taken a hit before, you will know that it takes time to rebuild and nurse it back to its near-healthy state.

If you’re uncomfortable with sending nudes to someone you haven’t met, say it. If you’re uncomfortable with going on a first date at 11 pm, say so. If you’re uncomfortable having ‘casual sex’ with someone you have just met, say no.

You may feel bad about putting your foot down, for disappointing the other person. But you are more likely to wake up the next day feeling good about yourself for having preserved your self-worth by walking away.

5) Take rejection in your stride

Rejection hurts, literally. The reason it hurts is that we feel that the person is rejecting us as a person. The negative little voice in our head tells us that we are not good enough, not attractive enough, not desirable enough. Our self-worth took a hit.

Yes, it hurts to be said no to, especially since you feel like you have mustered the courage to put yourself out there. Yet rejection is also normal. Think of it as a minor setback, for example, getting to the front of the queue and finding out that they’ve sold out on your favourite drink; or that your holiday flight has been cancelled at the last minute. Neither of these has any bearing on your self-worth. Think of the times you had to say no to someone, romantic or not. Did you mean to cause hurt to the other person? Most likely not!

Before you start analysing every single detail of your interaction to try and pick out what went wrong, don’t. Switch off your analytical brain because, at this point, it is driven by emotions, not by reason. If it hurts to think, don’t. Instead, take a nap, go for a walk, read a book, watch a movie. Do everything but think. Then when you’re able to think without being overcome by emotions, you may start your self-reflection. Strike a balance between your self-awareness and self-esteem. The minute you begin wallowing into self-pity or self-blame, stop and repeat the above activities.

This is not a blame game, so stop blaming yourself.

6) Let your hair down

Dating should be fun!

Start by enjoying the lead up to it, by shaving your legs, painting your nails and slipping into your favourite outfit! Then send a selfie (or ten!) to your best friends to show off your look! Feel good about yourself and carry that feeling with you into your date!

Whether it turns into something romantic or not, it’s still an opportunity to meet a new person, make a new friend, have an adventure, or explore a new place. If the date goes awry, you have right there a juicy story to tell or write about!

Remember: the only person you need to impress on that date is you, so go in, be your best self, and have fun!