I wanted to show him love even if it meant losing myself.

I look into his eyes. They are dark. They are sad. They are lonely. He tries to be so nonchalant about it all. He tries to brush it off and look like the tough guy. The guy who doesn’t care. The guy who is so independent. The guy who doesn’t need love.

He tells me about his childhood. His mom chose drugs over him. His dad left him and ended up in jail somehow. He was raised by his grandma. He always felt like a burden. Like he couldn’t express his feelings without them being dismissed by others. He had to hide the pain of not having a real family. As he got a little older, his mom would come in and out of his life. She came in like a whirlwind and would leave suddenly over and over again. He wondered if there would ever come a day where she would stay around.

Over the years he learned to not set such high expectations. He learned how to hide his emotions. He learned how to survive on his own. He learned how to survive without love.

His relationship with his parents is forever damaged. He is a grown man now, coming up on 28. His mom is finally starting to show the love she never gave him as a child. She’s tries to make an effort as best she can. She wants to make things better between them. He talks to his dad sometimes over the phone, but there is not much of a relationship there. His dad tries, but it will never be enough.

He says he battles with severe depression. He has tried medication and therapy but nothing seems to help. He tells me he hates himself, but I sometimes find this hard to believe. From the outside he looks so cool and confident. He puts on a good show.

I try to give him all my love. I try as hard as I can. I’ve never tried so hard at anything in my life. I want to so desperately show him that he is easy to love. I want him to know I am his biggest supporter. I want him to know that he will always have me.

So I let him go ghost when he’s angry with me. I let him call me names and make fun of everything about me. I let him yell at me. I let him push me around. I let him act like I don’t exist. I let him sleep with other girls. I let him string me along. I let him apologize and then do it all over again, but worse. I let him do whatever he wants. I let him come in and out of my life so easily, and I act like it doesn’t bother me, but deep down I am dying inside. All because I want to show him love even if it means losing myself. Even if it means disrespecting myself.

I carry his emotional baggage as best I can. My glass was full when I met him and his was empty. Not a drop of water in the cup. I never would’ve guessed that by the time he was done with me, his glass will be overflowing and mine would be the empty one. If you would’ve told me it would end like this, I still would’ve done it over again, and I think that is the saddest part.

His childhood was very sad, but I can admit that he is not a good person. There are so many people in the world who go through trauma, but would still never dream of hurting another human being the same way they were hurt as a child. I know that it is common for hurt people to hurt people, but it will never make sense to me.

He learned to survive long enough without love. He is fine without it. You can’t love a person who doesn’t want to be loved. It is a foreign feeling to them.

“You’ll never know how damaged a person is until you try to love them.”