I want to leave for me, But stay for you.

I want to stay, I really do. But I constantly feel like I'm swallowing. Swallowing my words, So I'm softer on you. Swallowing my emotions, so you're at ease. And that goes for you and myself. I swallow for me too. Being soft has been something I'm very good at, even despite all the trauma I have been though. It's the one thing I feel make me a good person. But lately I feel you've brought out the part of me that wants to scream at the world. Or maybe I have. Either way I'm not being soft for the universe anymore.

I feel like I'll swallowing my feelings to be soft for you for my whole life. Because I constantly feel the need to try to force the admitting to cheating out of you. But If you admitted it and I left you for it, You'd hurt yourself. You don't need to say it, I know you're not joking when you talk about losing me and what you would. You can play it off as a joke but I know you need me.

Can couples really work through infidelity? Especially when its not admitted. You can say you didn't do it, and that she's known for being a compulsive lair but at the end of the day you've lied too. Everyone has and only some sociopath and read about all the trauma I went thought in my last relationship and still claim and stand by her, admitting to helping you cheat on me. But then again only a psychopath could sit and hear me talk in detail about the extensive trauma and past abusive in every sense of the word relationship and still go and put me through something she did to me. I guess it doesn't matter, because I'll never know the truth, I just wish I could be soft again. But not for you. If I'm being honest the moment you told me there was a rumor that you cheated on me, I knew it was true.

I wish I could take myself back from you. My kisses, my skin, my words, my poems about you, my compromising and promising. Why is it always the one so worried about the other cheating that cheats. To this day you beg me not to cheat on you. My response to you cheating wont be me to do the same. Its my loyalty in the end that will destroy you. I'm at the end of my ropes. I can't wake up to you three times a week knowing what you did. I smile when I first wake up and look at you, but then the hatred sets in. The betrayal is remember and I am once again heart broken. I hate you for it. I hate you because cheating didn't make me stop loving you, it made me stop loving myself. It made me stop loving love. Which is the worst part. I have to wake up every day knowing I can't leave you. Because I love you and you claim to love me but won't admit you started loving me after you knew you didn't want anyone else. After you had already slept with someone else and realized I was the best there was. I think that's why you stay and maybe don't cheat anymore. And I hate even more for it. Why can't you just admit what you did and let me go. You know I wont leave until you admit it. You owe me that much; the truth.

Maybe I don't need to know the truth. Maybe he doesn't need to admit it. Maybe I'll marry him and be in a relationship built on a lie forever. Maybe it's better that way. I wish I could leave though. I wish I didn't have to stay.