I Hope You Find Me

I remember when I first knew. We'd gone to Mauritius. There had been exactly 4 sunsets. With each one I had been flooded with thoughts of how intensely, consumingly beautiful it was, and that everyone who saw it probably thought it was the most beautiful thing they’d ever seen. That’s when I begged for all these people to meet you- in some capacity- so they could lose themselves, as I do, in the incomprehensible beauty of your soul and its surroundings. I was staring at you, I lay down next to you as I ran my fingers down your spine, tracing the letters I LOVE YOU over and over on your back. I chuckled to myself about that flight we took to Tokyo when there was a mix-up with seating, I teased that you were so delightfully small I could pack you away in my carry-on. But when there was turbulence I was always so grateful to have you there with me. I'd look at you, pull you close, hold you to my heart and I felt safe. But, throughout all this, I knew.

When I won all that money it was like I’d finally been given a lifeline, a $20,000 lifeline. It was a way to erase the mistakes of my past. But, just as quickly as I was released from my debt to a banking conglomerate, I became indebted to you. Although this was just as overwhelmingly terrifying, I welcomed it. People told me to be careful, they thought I didn't know, but I knew. Deep down I always knew. I was ready to use all the remaining money I had to rewrite the cheerless chapters, to replace the sadistic scribbles of my past with calligraphed anecdotes of a fruitful future. I chose to ignore my better judgment, to lose myself in your stare, the brown flecks, a welcome bizzarity in the blue pools of your eyes- reminiscent of autumn leaves that have fallen into a lagoon. I'd watch you blow the hair out of your face after complaining- for the third time that day- that it's "far too long" as I stare longingly at you, praying for those quickly fleeting moments to somehow become endless. But really they never began. What I would give to be laying on your chest, matching my breathing to yours, knowing wholeheartedly that I would give every breath I take for you to have just one. They thought I didn't know, they told me that it was unhealthy- this connection I had to you. They thought I didn't know.

I got comfortable, I was careless, not a moment passes when I don't think about what could have been. Had the doors of the train not closed as I hopped off to collect something I had dropped on the platform. Had I not left you on your own, would I still be cradling you in my arms as I fall asleep tonight? I wonder who found you, were they enamored by your elegant artistry? Did they appreciate your divinity or did they toss you carelessly into the lost and found? Soon I'll have spent every penny I have trying to find you. Riding every train, visiting every customer service desk. I will never stop searching.

But I've always known, I've always known you were just my imagination, a painting on the pages of my little black notebook, but then why did losing you feel so real? I know you miss me too, and I know it's ridiculous but I like to think that somehow you're looking for me too. I hope you find me.