I found me, losing you

Online school was such a pain. I had no one other than one friend I had left from the usual brick and mortar horror I had to face every day for 10 years. 10 years? I'm not even sure how I survived and made it through. Well I didn't because there I was now; facing a screen with the little self discipline I had. Working at the movie theater and the dread of spending time to finish my classes to earn a simple piece of paper, or a diploma, as others would call it was a nightmare. It was so lonely it hurt. I was a kid who needed some fun and friends.

Instagram was always interesting. It was funny to see everyone pretend to be living their best life when deep down all we needed was some love, attention, and most of all? To simply be nosey. After following my online schools page for a while and watching the events they had with students I had decided to scroll through their followers to see if I could befriend anybody interesting. Surprisingly, it worked.

I met my best friend, my other half. Same music taste. Same horror film addict. Same teenager struggling to get their life together. After catching up on and off and wishing each other happy holidays, we decided to meet. But I met him all of a sudden and on accident. It was October. The state fair came around and while people watching at the table full of dried sauces waiting for my co-worker to order her slice of greasy fair food. I see my future best friend. I texted him immediately asking where he was and it turned out to be him! Night shift at the Arizona State Fair. After the awkward wave at the booth he stood at giving away stuffed fluffy animals, confirming that we were not creepy old men talking to each other behind a screen, we got more comfortable with each other and that is where it all began.

One, two, maybe three horror movies a day. Back to back. He was my plus one for free movies so sweeping popcorn and spraying sticky soda spills was definitely worth it. The first time we met is like we had known each other forever. The conversations were never-ending. Talking every day and feeling like a part of me was missing if we didn't was a routine we both got very used to. We went from texting, to face-timing, to movies, to lazy home hangouts, to concerts, to vacations, to wild drunken nights.

This was a dream to me. Having someone who would always be there for you. Having someone make you laugh until you couldn't breathe. Having someone come running to cheer you up whenever the days got rough. Having someone's chest to cry on during the worst times. Having someone who had the same interests as you and understood you to the core. It was so thrilling and the best thing I could have ever asked for. He felt like home. Home isn't always happy though.

About 5 years pass by and everything is so different now. New friends, new jobs, new goals, new mind-sets. It was not the same...not how it used to be. I was ready for new beginnings for myself and he was doing his own thing so we slowly grew apart. I was heart-broken. We talked about forever and maybe it could still be, but for now he is gone. I pretended like I was fine and I convinced myself I was until I exploded.

Isolation for a week straight. This is what happens when you get too close. This is what happens when you get attached. This is what happens when you throw your happiness in other peoples hands. You never know when they will drop it and it could happen so suddenly. It hurts.

From best friend to stranger. Pettiness and jealousy came over immediately. Acting in that manner while trying to pretend to be happy and sacrifice some of yourself for a whole other human being is very dangerous for yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically. Although this was the best few years of my life, I feel like I had to hide myself for the sake of looking good and being enough for us both.

It is never worth it to change who I was to be happy. At the end of the day the real me shines whether someone likes it or not. Keeping boundaries and having a balance between my relationships with others is key. No matter how vulnerable we were with each other, no matter what we went through and no matter how much fun we had, the past is that past. All that has been done can end as fast as it started. Time is running out though and there are new memories to be made.