I Don't Need Help

I learned a few things today.

1. I am not good at make-up. Like at all. The more I tried to hide something, the more pronounced it became. I'll try again tomorrow.

2. Seeing a mark will make others uncomfortable. But, I'm not sure why as I have been repeatedly told that leaving marks on others is not abusive enough to protect them. I'm a fully grown woman, so a mark on me? Shouldn't cause anyone to bat an eye.

3. When asked if I know that I can ask for help if I need it, I have no response that is "appropriate."

4. I have gotten so much worse at lying without practicing it every day... now I couldn't even look anyone in the eye who asked if something happened, so I just completely avoided the question.

5. I really want to say all of the things that have been said to me, like...

a. "I don't know for sure what you see... you view the world differently from me, so I'd love to tell you that I believe that you see a mark on my cheek, but it might just be your perception. I think I might need to speak with a professional to gauge your ability to tell what might be on my face." - A paraphrased response from a medical doctor.

b. "It's only a mark in one spot and abuse would be multiple marks, so you have absolutely nothing to worry about." - Another medical doctor's paraphrased response.

c. "If I was actually hit, everyone would know... that spot is nothing." - My own trauma response after being told that same story for years.

d. "Unless you can prove that it was intended to cause harm, it doesn't matter." - Paraphrased from law enforcement.

e. "Unless you have a witness who saw what happened, it just boils down to a he said/she said mess." - Paraphrased from law enforcement.

f. "It may have been self-harm..." - Paraphrased from multiple sources.

g. "Maybe you are attempting to manipulate others into thinking that my cheek might actually hurt, instead of knowing that I'd be in tears if it actually hurt." - Paraphrased from a lawyer.

h. "Since I didn't tell you while being recorded what actually happened, it really doesn't matter what you think I might have experienced." - Paraphrased from an advocacy agency.

i. "Maybe it was just discipline... it's illegal to leave marks, but hey... that is just a little mark. Probably nothing..." - Paraphrased from various professional sources.

j. "Remember to tell the safe people about what happened so that you can get help... and then those safe people will have a conversation with the person who did this to you and call it a success when the individual promises it won't happen again, so you shouldn't have any trouble moving forward in life because we fixed it!" - Paraphrased from professionals

k. "Let go and just keep moving forward... it is in the past now." - Paraphrased from multiple sources

l. "We aren't going to talk about the person who did this... we are instead only going to address how you won't let it bother you because you need to control yourself and your reactions to what you consider to be injuries better." - Paraphrased from more professionals.

m. "Maybe this is just a love mark..." - Paraphrased from a now ex-friend.

n. "Boys will be boys... and this just proves how much he adores me!" - Paraphrased from a few different sources.

o. "You don't understand... I was simply not submissive enough and needed to be put in my place. I understand it better now." - Paraphrased from a religious point of view.

p. "A bruise on the face is simply not an indication of abuse." - Paraphrased from a specialty place.

q. "I'm an active woman... there are a number of ways that a bruise could occur and unless I am entirely sure that telling you what happened won't get me into trouble - even though my support person is telling you what I told her, well, just stop assuming the worst, mk?" - Paraphrased from more doctors.

r. "It is just circumstantial evidence that a crime may have been committed..." - Paraphrased from a lawyer (ok... well maybe this one is pretty exact...)

s. "If I don't want to say what happened, that means that nothing terrible could have happened if the mark isn't there in a few weeks." - Paraphrased from a specialty place

t. "Maybe it is just one of the shadows that I see becoming visible for you too..." - ok, so this one is rephrased out of everyone who has ever told me that maybe I wasn't injured and one of my hallucinations hurt me instead

u. "Maybe it is a spider bite that I didn't feel from me calmly sitting on the couch." - I didn't paraphrase this one very much...

v. "Who do you expect others to believe? A crazy person with a diagnosis or an allegedly sane person who has several people ready to vouch for his greatness? So why would I tell you anything ever again?" - This quote dripping with the harsh reality I live is directly from me.

w. "A bruise is only surface level and any real damage or concern would have to be shown on an x-ray for us to do anything about it - even if you are telling the truth..." - Paraphrased from professionals.

x. "Perhaps it is merely a preservative of a natural stress relief... because physical violence can trigger hormonal responses placing me into freeze mode thereby reducing my stress... and as a natural preservative, a bruise isn't a concern..." - ok, so now my sarcasm is flowing quite well, but this is paraphrased from another ridiculous situation involving professionals.

y. "Maybe I am simply seeking attention through negative stories in a way to connect better with those I seek approval from despite feeling terrified of sharing anything because I might get into trouble." - Paraphrased nonsense from a child's advocate and understanding the child's point of view (this one is used with permission from both the child and the child's guardian)

and the best for last...

z. "I am sorry that you feel like this is a problem, but it kinda sounds like you are attempting to get me to apologize for your own issue." - The perfect non-apology!

So no, I don't need help. The last people I asked for help from either couldn't give it to me, wouldn't give it to me, or it had strings attached that I didn't know about. I don't expect anyone to help me if they are not inside my very close inner circle - and even some days? Those people are not safe to tell either.

As far as anyone knows, I was working on a vehicle. Or one of the kids got me with a toy that was thrown. Or maybe I slept wrong? Or maybe I walked into the door...

Everything is pure speculation and no matter what I say, it won't benefit my kids in any way, shape, or form - especially with the lessons that I have learned in the last 6 weeks. So, most of the professionals in my life have ensured to damage my trust in a way where what happens to me is no longer a discussion that I am willing to have with them after they refuse to protect the only pieces of my heart that could still break me & then proceed to judge me when I say that with their philosophy of letting go of all control, well, I just can't care if those pieces live or die when not in my care then.

I am very well aware that this is just reality for many parents, but I also know that most people don't say it so bluntly. For example, letting a child go to a school in a violent area means that there is the chance that they won't come back through that door at the end of the day. They say to trust the system to protect them, but... I'm still waiting and watching for the protection that I was promised was reality as I watch so many people's stories unfold around me.

Maybe my doctor was right: my perception of reality is the problem... or maybe I see it just fine and saying it so bluntly just shakes everyone else's perception of the justice that they thought was there at the end of the day. No worries... I believe that justice will be served - by Someone far greater than me and Someone far greater than any mere human.

In the meantime? Don't tell me that I have to let my children leave my care and trust that a system currently failing so many will be their protection. Truthfully, I am not allowed to let my hallucinations get bad enough to distort my reality, therefore I am unwilling to allow your delusions to ensure that I blindly trust in something that you are terrified of even explaining to me because that? That will break me.

This way? This way I know the price I, and so many others, may have to pay at the end of the day. Don't threaten to punish me for simply acknowledging the facts that make you so very uncomfortable.