"I can take myself dancing"

A weekend ago:

Basically, we’re in the club and we’re having a good time, and that was my intention going in. To dance and have a great time.

But somehow, you know, I…I just couldn’t hold on to it. I just couldn’t remind myself that that’s why I came to the club in the first place. (To give a little context, I am a dancer, I work as a ballroom and latin dance instructor, at 26 years old (going on 27), born and raised in South Africa…but you just have to remember that I am passionate about dance). I came this club to lose myself and relax.

So this feeling, was deep, and maybe like hurtful or sad, at the same time. This feeling of lonliness, i started to feel it so strongly. Like, why am I feeling this way?

I was thinking about the club all week, all day, prepping myself, listening to Bad Bunny, you know (Te AMO), I actually had a dream that - well that’s a for another time, and another era. Anyways, I practicing my best samba moves to dominate the dancefloor.

So I went to the bathroom, put a prayer in my phone, and asked God to help me navigate this feeling because it was so strong.

It transferred into my physical body language, as I wasn’t really dancing, but half dancing, awkwardly and half smiling, Stick with me for a second, I’ll describe exactly what I was going through.

Picture or go look up the video: “After Hours” (Short Film) - The Weekend 2020.

The Weeknd After Hours era; the red suit, bandaged nose, hollywood sunglasses and black gloves. He’s wrapping up a performance that he did on Jimmy Kimmel. Then as he turns away from the audience that smile decreases and decreases in size..and the music turns ominous and sad and you’re like what’s going on, because a moment ago he was happy and now he’s deeply sad and what even looks like lonely.

That was me at the club and I guess it somehow transferred into my body language if you will, because that’s when a girl came up to me and she started asking me if I was okay. Repeatedly. I replied, yes, but very uncertain, clearly knowing I was not. She kept asking that, and I was very struck by that question, from this “stranger”. I was also very vunerable, and on the verge of tears.

Then she proceeded to ask me where the bathroom was, and I gave her verbal directions, go straight and then take the stairs to the right, with the samba beat pulsing through the club (1 a 2, 1 a 2) that’s the samba timing (iykyk ;)

And so sensing her confusion, I asked if I should show her, and so I told my boyfriend I was going to show this girl where the bathroom was, and that I'd be right back.

So we go downstairs, and I ask her what her name is and she says “Angel”. I say it’s nice to meet you and exchange my name to her. As we reached the end of the staircase to the cave-esque and florescent-lit bathrooms - one for girls and one for the guys, she stopped in my tracks and asked, “What's going on?”

“Are you okay?”, in a slurred but sincere manner.

And again I answered haphazardly, obviously denying the fact that I was okay. I eventually told her that all I wanted to do was dance with my partner and was perceiving that he’s not much of a dancer and that’s what I came here to do. She affirmed, and asked if my boyfriend would get jealous if we danced together. To that, Ireplied, “No, not if I explain to him,”. And I’m not sure now if I asked if she had a man, or if she brought it up, but she ended up saying that she is also in a 5-year relationship, but her man is in A and she has another man in Q - two different locations. I immediately knew she was looking for trouble. I mean "relationship trouble" and maybe some attention, who knows?

I went outside to smoke a joint. What the actual ‘f*ck was that’, I wondered, as i dug my latin heels into the pavement of the smokers area, and observing the late night hovering crowd.

I went back in and started to further investigate why i was still feeling this way.

And then there it was:

It was 8-year- old me. School quarters, South Africa, in the province of the Northern Cape. Hot summers and rainfalls like never seen before, and mostly desert climate.

Friday afternoons, Grade 3, we have dance parties at the end of the school day, just in time for our parents to pick us up or we walk home, which I remember doing most of the time. (The interesting synchronicity is 20 years later, I find myself working at a dance studio franchise as a ballroom and Latin dance instructor, where every Friday night, we have a dance practice party to close off the work week and go into the weekend).

Anyways, this one friday in grade 3, I was seated by myself on a bench, feeling sad. I felt like no one wanted to dance with me. The person that I wanted to dance with was dancing with someone else, I was heartbroken and so sad and maybe felt unworthy. A boy named A - let's call him, who really liked me in grade 3 and I did too, came up to me.

Now imagine a young brown girl with a young bi-racial or mixed race boy interacting (hmm with a small accent of a South African mixed race or colored people as they are referred to in South Africa), he asked what was wrong, and me ignoring him and saying ‘nothing’. He asked, "Do you want to dance?", and I kept saying, no, and pouting and looking down, and maybe on the brink of tears and so he called one of the grade 7’s. She eventually took to me the ‘dancefloor’ to pair me up with the friend who I wanted to dance with. She ironically used to always ‘steal’ my pencil sharpeners and deny it, but it was so obvious because we shared a desk and i would always see her do it. I never lost that feeling.

Anyways, on that dance floor, me being the 26- year- old, I decided in that moment, I will be my own dance partner and especially forever to that 8 year old me. You will never have to dance alone, I imagine telling her that. If you wanna dance and play pretend because we have living room to do so, let’s do it. I never ever want you to feel lonely again. In that moment, on the dance floor, I Imade that agreement to her. I will dance with you forever<3

The genius song, by the genius artist, who goes by name of Miley Cyrus, wrote the greatest song ever, titled “Flowers” and the lyrics, couldn’t be more accurate or lacking who I needed the most. Who I’ve been needing the most, and expecting other people to show up. I needed to show up for myself, and always ME first.

*and cue “Flowers” by Miley Cyrus. The demo version actually slaps so much harder.

“I can buy myself flowers…..

write in the name in the sand, talk to myself for hours,

Saying things you don’t understand,

I can take myself dancing,

I can hold my own hand,

Yeah, I can love me better than you can”….

“Flowers” - Miley Cyrus

Thank you for reading :)