I am Proud of Myself!

It is no secret that we live in a world that thrives on recognition and applause. From social media likes to workplace accolades, we have created an environment where external validation has become the yardstick for self-worth. Even parents who want to express their love and pride for their children commonly say, “I am proud of you,” as a way of acknowledging their achievements. And in this simple phrase lies a trap that can shape their understanding of self-worth, motivation, and autonomy.

I think it is important to understand why this seemingly innocuous statement might carry dangerous pitfalls and explore alternative ways to develop a child’s self-esteem and growth. There is an enchanting liberation in turning inward and finding pride in oneself without the crutch of external approval. We must understand these subtleties of life to build a better world.

The Journey to Self-Pride

I remember many moments of my own life, standing on the edge of an academic or professional achievement where I had worked tirelessly. The accolades poured in, family and friends showered me with praise, and yet, in the quiet aftermath, I felt an unexpected hollowness. This wasn’t the fulfilling victory I had imagined. It was in this silence that I began to question: Why did I need their approval to feel accomplished?

As a writer and thinker, I’ve always been fascinated by the connections between our internal stories and the external world. My journey through depression and anxiety has taught me the dangers of tethering one’s self-worth to external validation. It is a precarious foundation, easily shaken and often insatiable. To find true contentment, I realized, one must cultivate a sense of pride that is self-sustaining and independent of the world’s applause.

The Subtle Influence of External Validation

From a young age, we are conditioned to seek approval. “Good job!” and “I’m so proud of you!” become the currency of our self-esteem. While well-intentioned, these expressions can unknowingly tie our sense of worth to the judgments of others. We grow up chasing the next pat on the back, the next gold star, the next promotion, believing that each external acknowledgment will bring us closer to feeling whole.

When we tell our children, “I am proud of you,” we are, perhaps unintentionally, placing our judgment at the center of their achievement. The focus shifts from their personal accomplishment to our approval. This can subtly undermine their sense of self, making them feel that their worth is contingent upon our validation.

Think of a child who brings home a good grade. If we respond with, “I am proud of you,” the underlying message is that their achievement is valuable because it pleases us. This can lead to a form of external motivation where the child strives to meet our expectations rather than developing their own intrinsic goals. They might start to perform for applause rather than personal satisfaction, which can hinder their ability to cultivate a genuine passion for learning and self-improvement.

Another risk is that children might start to perceive our pride as conditional love. The phrase “I am proud of you” can be interpreted as, “I love you more when you succeed.” This conditional aspect can create anxiety and fear of failure, as children may worry that they are less lovable when they do not meet expectations.

This endless pursuit can be exhausting and ultimately unfulfilling. When our worth is contingent on external validation, we become vulnerable to the whims and judgments of others. We may avoid taking risks or expressing our true selves for fear of disapproval. In doing so, we lose sight of our intrinsic value and the unique contributions we bring to the world.

Embracing Self-Pride

Disassociating from the need for external approval requires a shift in perspective from our approval to their self-reflection and internal validation. This begins with the radical act of introspection and self-recognition. Instead of seeking validation from others, we can learn to validate ourselves. This doesn’t mean dismissing all external feedback but rather integrating it in a way that doesn’t define our self-worth.

Instead of saying, “I am proud of you,” we can encourage children to express their feelings about their accomplishments. Questions like, “How do you feel about what you achieved?” or statements like, “You worked really hard on this,” place the emphasis on their effort and self-assessment.

Consider the small victories in your daily life; the moments of resilience, the quiet acts of kindness, the personal challenges overcome. These are the building blocks of self-pride. Reflect on these achievements not through the lens of how others perceive them but through the genuine satisfaction and growth they bring you.

The Power of Self-Validation

When we cultivate self-pride, we empower ourselves to live more authentically. We become less reliant on the fluctuating opinions of others and more attuned to our own values and desires. This internal validation builds a resilient sense of self that is not easily swayed by external circumstances.

Promoting a growth mindset is an effective strategy. Acknowledging effort rather than innate ability encourages one to view challenges as opportunities to learn and grow. For example, instead of saying, “I am proud of you for being so smart,” we can say, “I am impressed by how hard you worked to solve that problem.” We can say these things to others; or to ourselves.

I recall a time when my pursuit of supposedly ‘irrelevant interests’ received harsh criticism. It stung, naturally, but it also prompted me to revisit my ideas with revitalized vigor. Instead of spiraling into self-doubt, I asked myself: Have I learned this thoroughly enough? Can I express my opinions properly? By affirming my own standards and intentions, I was able to find pride in my effort and growth, independent of the critique.

Practical Steps to Self-Pride

All of this does not mean that we should never express our pride or admiration. The key is to balance praise with encouragement that supports autonomy and intrinsic motivation. We can share the joy and success without making it about approval. Saying, “You must feel really proud of yourself,” or, “I can see how much effort you put into this,” reinforces their sense of agency and accomplishment. Here are some practical ways to promote this:

• Reflect on Your Values: What matters most to you? Align your actions with these values and take pride in living authentically. (Read Cognitive Dissonance)
• Celebrate Small Wins: Acknowledge and celebrate your daily achievements, no matter how minor they seem. These moments contribute to your overall growth. (Read Embracing Gratitude)
• Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself in moments of failure or criticism. Recognize that setbacks are part of the journey and do not diminish your worth. (Read Why are we more Depressed than ever?)
• Seek Internal Feedback: Instead of immediately looking outward for validation, take time to reflect on how you feel about your accomplishments. Ask yourself, “Am I proud of my effort and integrity?”
• Create Personal Affirmations: Develop affirmations that resonate with your values and strengths. Repeat them regularly to reinforce your self-worth.

Here are some common phrases that, while well-intentioned, might carry unintended implications. I will also suggest alternative expressions that promote autonomy, intrinsic motivation, and self-reflection:

1. “Good job!”: Can become empty praise, lacking specific feedback and encouraging dependency on external validation. You could say, “You worked really hard on that!” or “What part of this are you most proud of?”

2. “You are so smart!”: Suggests that intelligence is a fixed trait, which can discourage effort when faced with challenges. Instead, try, “You really thought that through!” or “I can see how much effort you put into solving that problem.”

3. “You make me so happy/proud!”: Implies that actions are primarily to please others, which can affect the sense of autonomy. You can substitute this with, “It looks like you are really happy with your work!” or “How do you feel about what you accomplished?”

4. “You’re a natural!”: Can discourage effort in areas where they might not feel naturally talented. Rather try, “You’ve been practicing a lot, and it shows!” or “Your dedication is really paying off.”

5. “You always do such a great job!”: Sets an expectation of constant perfection, which can create fear of failure. Here’s an alternative, “I noticed how you handled that difficult part!” or “I admire how you tackle challenges.”

6. “You’re the best at this!”: Creates a comparative mindset, focusing on being better than others rather than personal growth. We can try saying, “You’ve made so much progress!” or “I can see how much you’ve improved.”

7. “That’s perfect!”: Can create pressure to always achieve perfection, leading to anxiety and fear of mistakes. We could say, “I love the creativity you put into this!” or “What do you think worked well here?”

8. “You did it exactly right!”: Can stifle creativity and innovation by suggesting there is only one correct way to do something. Try, “You found a great solution!” or “I appreciate your unique approach.”

9. “You’re such a good boy/girl!”: Links one’s value to behavior, which can make one feel only conditionally valued. Instead, “I appreciate your kindness/helpfulness!” or “I noticed you were very thoughtful today.”

10. “I knew you could do it!”: Might imply they should have succeeded without struggle, diminishing the value of their effort. You could say, “You kept going, even when it was tough!” or “What did you learn from this experience?”

By rephrasing these common expressions, we shift the focus from external validation to internal reflection and growth. This helps us and others, especially children, develop a healthier, more autonomous sense of self, fostering resilience and a love for learning and personal development.

The Liberating Effect of Self-Pride

We liberate ourselves from the constant need for external approval by embracing self-pride. We become more grounded, resilient, and capable of pursuing our passions with authenticity and confidence. This inner strength enhances our personal well-being and enriches our relationships because we engage with others from a place of genuine self-respect and mutual appreciation.

In a society that equates worth with external achievements, cultivating self-pride is a revolutionary act. It is a declaration that our value is not contingent on others’ perceptions but rooted in our own recognition of our worth. So, the next time you achieve something, big or small, take a moment to say to yourself,

“I am proud of me.”

Let this be the foundation of your self-worth, unshakable and ever-growing, independent of the world’s applause.