how to let go of grudges against parents

How to Let Go of Grudges Against Parents

“You don’t have to carry the weight of what they didn’t know how to hold.”

— A therapist once told me this, and I’ve carried it ever since.

Letting go of grudges against your parents isn’t about pretending nothing happened. It’s about choosing peace over pain.

For many of us, the people who were supposed to love us unconditionally became the ones who wounded us most deeply — not always out of malice, but often out of their own limitations, trauma, or lack of awareness.

But the reality is: holding onto old resentment rarely heals us. It traps us in a loop of emotional reactivity, robbing us of joy, connection, and even our sense of identity.

Letting go doesn’t mean excusing what happened — it means choosing freedom over emotional captivity.

The Weight of a Grudge: Why We Hold On

Grudges often arise when emotional wounds go unacknowledged, especially by the person who caused them.

In parent-child relationships, this becomes especially complex because the bond is so deeply intertwined with identity, safety, and survival.

“Children are biologically hardwired to need their parents’ love and approval. When that’s disrupted, the emotional wound can last well into adulthood,”

says Dr. Lindsay Gibson, clinical psychologist and author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.

Grudges can manifest in many ways:

An unwillingness to forgive

Replaying past arguments or scenes in your mind

Avoiding your parents or feeling drained after every interaction

Chronic emotional tension, guilt, or confusion

It may feel like holding onto the pain protects you from being hurt again. But in the long run, it often does more harm than good.

Understanding the Root: Hurt Beneath the Resentment

Before you can let go, you must understand why you’re holding on.

Ask yourself:

What unmet need am I still grieving?

What did I wish my parent had said or done differently?

What am I afraid will happen if I forgive?

Often, grudges mask deeper feelings of abandonment, invalidation, or betrayal.

You might feel angry at your parent for not defending you, for emotionally neglecting you, or for projecting their pain onto you.

Research published in the Journal of Family Psychology shows that adult children of emotionally unavailable or critical parents are more likely to suffer from anxiety, depression, and trust issues later in life.

The grudge, then, is a form of emotional armor — a shield you’ve built to protect yourself from repeated disappointment.

Acknowledge Your Truth — Without Minimizing It

Letting go begins with validating your own experience. This means giving yourself permission to say: “Yes, this hurt me. Yes, it mattered.”

“Many adult children feel guilty for even acknowledging resentment toward their parents,”

explains Dr. Nedra Glover Tawwab, therapist and bestselling author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace.

“But your pain is real, and you don’t need your parents’ permission to process it.”

One effective way to begin this process is journaling. Write a letter to your parent — not to send, but to release. Say everything you couldn’t say as a child.

Let the emotions flow, raw and uncensored. Sometimes, just articulating the pain is the first step toward softening its grip.

See Them as Human — Not Just as Parents

As children, we view our parents as superheroes. As adults, it’s painful to recognize that they’re flawed — sometimes deeply so.

That doesn’t mean excusing their actions. It means acknowledging that their behavior may have been shaped by their own unresolved trauma, culture, or emotional limitations.

This shift in perspective can be transformative.

“Empathy doesn’t erase accountability, but it helps release resentment,”

says Dr. Nicole LePera, holistic psychologist and founder of The Holistic Psychologist.

“Your parent may have done the best they could — but that doesn’t mean it was enough.”

Understanding their context can help you release unrealistic expectations and start to see them not as villains, but as flawed humans who may never be capable of giving you what you needed.

Establish Boundaries — For Healing, Not Punishment

Letting go of a grudge does not mean tolerating continued harm. In fact, setting clear, healthy boundaries can be one of the most liberating and necessary steps in the healing process.

Boundaries might include:

Limiting contact

Changing the subject during triggering conversations

Not engaging in old emotional patterns (e.g., guilt trips or defensiveness)

Seeking distance if a parent refuses to acknowledge harmful behavior

“Forgiveness can coexist with boundaries,”

says therapist Vienna Pharaon, author of The Origins of You.

“You’re allowed to protect yourself and still wish peace for the person who hurt you.”

Healing isn’t about erasing the past. It’s about reclaiming control of your present.

Seek Therapy: You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

Many adult children of dysfunctional or emotionally neglectful households benefit greatly from working with a therapist. A professional can help you:

Process repressed emotions

Identify generational trauma patterns

Reframe your narrative in a more empowering light

Build emotional resilience and self-trust

If cost is a concern, there are affordable and accessible directories:

Psychology Today Therapist Finder

BetterHelp Online Counseling

National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI)

Open Path Collective — for low-cost therapy options

Therapy isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s an investment in your peace.

Practice Compassion — First for Yourself

Above all, be gentle with yourself. Releasing a grudge against your parent can feel like betraying your younger self, who waited so long to be heard. But healing doesn’t mean forgetting that pain — it means offering that younger self the love they never got.

Start small:

Practice self-validation: “It wasn’t my fault.”

Remind yourself: “I deserved better, and I’m allowed to heal.”

Try meditation or guided imagery to connect with your inner child.

“You don’t forgive because they deserve it. You forgive because you deserve peace.”

— Unknown

Letting go is an act of self-respect, not weakness.

Forgiveness Is Not a Gift to Them — It’s a Gift to You

Letting go of a grudge doesn’t require reconciliation. It doesn’t require a perfect ending. It doesn’t even require your parent’s apology.

It only requires one thing: your decision to stop letting the past define your emotional present.

Start where you are. Speak your truth. Protect your peace. And when you're ready, lay down the burden — not because it didn't matter, but because you do.

Key Takeaways

Grudges against parents often stem from unacknowledged emotional wounds.

Healing begins by validating your feelings without guilt or shame.

Letting go doesn't mean forgetting — it means choosing peace over pain.

Therapy, boundaries, and compassion are powerful tools for emotional release.

You don’t need their apology to heal — just your own permission.

Author expertise:

Michael B. Norris is a licensed clinical psychologist with over 20 years of experience specializing in family dynamics, trauma recovery, and inner child work. He is recognized for his evidence-based approach and compassionate guidance in emotional healing