How to Be Unavailable Without Guilt

If there's anything I've learned to "level up" in these past years, it's about setting healthy boundaries and when to set them. I can't stress how important it is to reset and recharge your own energy and be intentional with your time in order to be productive -- I'm constantly reminded by the popular saying, "You can't fill up someone else's cup if yours is empty."

Here's a few things I've learned that have helped me immensely, and that I put into practice everyday.

Why is it important to be unavailable?

Constant availability drains your energy.

Sometimes we want to do all the things, all the time -- we get satisfaction knowing that we're working and being productive. That's understandable, but saying yes to everyone and everything will drain you of your energy, leading to burnout quickly. You’re also teaching people how to treat you by establishing that healthy unavailability.

It's OK to set clear boundaries.

Boundaries protect your peace and relationships. It's healthy for you and for those around you. One thing I've really leaned into is deciding when I'm “on” and “off” each day, basically practicing real work/life balance! If you can, try to set aside time for you to lock in -- with work, your personal goals, even errands you need to get done for the day for yourself and/or your family. Try to be intentional with your time and energy by setting aside time to unwind and do something that refreshes you.

If you communicate these times to people who matter to you and stick to them like appointments with yourself, you exercise "non-negotiable space." That protected time is yours.

Use technology wisely.

Learn to let your phone work for you. This one was especially challenging for me -- I love doomscrolling on Instagram just as much as the next millennial! However, utilizing your devices in a smart and healthy way, even by taking a break from technology, is essential in keeping your peace and mental stability. Pick a designated day to disconnect and stick to it.

A few helpful things that I started doing was turn off non-essential notifications on my phone. Going into "Do Not Disturb" mode guilt-free has never felt so good. From a personal standpoint, I usually silence my notifications at 9pm. Making coffee without checking my phone or without having a podcast or YouTube video playing while I do my morning routine wasn't easy, but the more I practiced being ok with no tech or limited tech, the more clear-headed I was. This clarity allowed me to focus, being more productive and invaluable to those around me.

With this, it became a routine, then a habit, then a lifestyle. The rule in our household is "No tech after 9pm." It has improved my sleep massively. From a work-standpoint, I had a job in the past that required me to be on call most nights to troubleshoot and resolve technical issues. After leaving that job, I did not unlearn that behavior right away and it cost me my peace.

Now, I set auto-replies that set expectations to anyone from work trying to reach out to me - I'm not on call, so when I'm done working, I'm done working. Out of office hours are SET! At the beginning, I felt like I was letting my co-workers down by not answering and being "on" to their requests immediately. But I had to remember: a delayed response does not equal a rude response. It is up to the other person to respect your communicated time offline.

Not every message needs immediate attention. (I've learned from my past job that urgency is often manufactured, not real. I'd get a message on Slack "I need your eyes on this NOW" or "A response is needed right away" long after I was offline, and in my experience, this was a way for others to guilt trip me into getting back online and working after hours way into the night -- without extra pay. Instead, I paid the price - with my declining mental health.) Letting others know that you also want to take the time to respond thoughtfully will train people to expect your natural rhythm and understand your process better. Again, I want to reiterate that it is up to the other person to respect your communicated time offline.

Master the gentle “No”.

Remember the saying " 'No' is a complete sentence" ? I would agree! Learning to master that gentle and intentional "No" is a big one - keep it short, simple, direct. Saying something like "Thanks for thinking of me, but I can’t this time" will set up your healthy boundaries, and empower you to say "No" to things that can overexert your energy when you're already running low. Saying "No" to some things temporarily, can allow you to say "Yes" to more things that serve you and others in the long run.

I'm an overthinker and sometimes an overexplainer. I realized that no long explanations are needed in order to say "No" and protect your time. Sometimes an over-explanation might invite the perception of excuses, and excuses only invite negotiation — hold the line confidently and clearly.

Create physical barriers.

If you need to, creating physical barriers (especially if you have kids!) can be so crucial to practicing being unavailable. When you use visual cues like closing a door or wearing headphones to signal you shouldn’t be disturbed, you're communicating that you are unavailable. When necessary, physically leave the space to find true solitude -- go for a walk, go to a different room, find a way to separate yourself from the busyness to create peaceful isolation. Communicate your need briefly, for example, “I need 30 mins of quiet time alone to recharge." These actions protect your peace and teach others to respect it. You’re not ignoring people, you’re prioritizing presence. Remind yourself that you are not responsible for managing everyone else’s feelings.

Handle the pushback.

Quality attention beats constant availability - it sets intention and is a great reminder that your rest makes you better for yourself and others. Prioritizing yourself is OK because at the end of the day, self-care isn’t selfish, it’s sustainable. When people question your boundaries or give pushback, try saying something like "I'm less available now, but more present when I am. I care about what you have to say, and I want to make sure we have dedicated time to devote to our conversation/needs." This goes a long way, and most people will understand because they deserve time to protect their peace too!

The simple inform and redirect method helps to develop and nourish real relationships in a smart and effective way. The firmer and simpler your answer, the more seriously it’s taken. Real relationships survive healthy boundaries and the right people will respect your time.

Putting it all into action.

I encourage you to apply these things into your life as soon as possible and leave a comment on this story about the changes you start to see. It can be hard to break habits and unlearn certain behaviors, especially when it has become part of your workflow or lifestyle for a long time. Every day is a new opportunity to try again, so have patience with yourself -- it won't happen overnight! Even saying "No" to yourself sometimes is perfectly OK and needed every now and then, too! Practicing self-control is a powerful discipline.

Here's your official green light to go ahead and set those healthy boundaries. Be intentional about protecting your time and energy. Say "No" to things that drain you -- it's needed and is more than OK. And empower yourself to be unavailable, but don't feel guilty about it. ~