How So Much of Our Happiness Belongs to Our Primary Relationship

Our primary relationship is the person we share the most time, energy, connection, and intimacy with. 

We all know this relationship is important, but according to Alain Du Botton, a whopping 60% of our happiness relies upon its health. 

Think about that for a moment. 

60%! 

That's huge. 

Who is that person to you right now? How much of what they do influences your thoughts, emotions, and actions? If you're anything like me, it will be a helluva lot. 

I don't like to admit it but when my primary relationship is going through a difficult time it often consumes me until it's resolved. I fret and worry and I am often filled with erratic thoughts that lead to erratic actions that lead to erratic emotions. I need to have very real, deep conservations and reflect upon why we are where we are while moving through bouts of fear, anger, and sadness.

When my relationship is going well, however, we're planning trips away, we're going on adventures, we're watching and listening to interesting shows and talks, we're massaging each other, we're cooking for one another, we're sharing meals, going on date nights, and making love often. It's delicious and playful. 

But either way, I see what Alain means. It doesn't matter if the relationship is beautiful and uplifting or painful and difficult, my emotional well-being equates to something like… well… 60%. 

So, of all of the things that matter to us in life - work, family, friends, etc… it seems that our primary relationship means the most, or at the very least, has the biggest impact on us on a daily basis. 

From as early as we can remember… 

As soon as we're born, the quality of life depends on our parents or caregivers. And this carries on for years. We are probably the most dependent species in the animal kingdom by far. For example, most young fend for themselves waaaaaay early we do. 

The amount of time it takes for us to gain independence makes us rely heavily on the people around us to provide love, care, safety, and nourishment. 

If we don't receive that love, warmth, care, and support that we need to sustain our tiny little bodies, minds, and hearts, we can often perish or be forever traumatised.

It's this necessity for survival that creates such a dependency on our parents. It means that from as early as we can remember, our primary relationship is of utmost importance and this seemingly carries forward into adulthood and beyond. 

The role of our parents  

As soon as we're born our parents are the very first people we bond with. How that connection goes then sets the tone for how safe and loved we feel in the world. Of the two parents, however, when we're talking about our primary relationship, the relationship with our mother is the most important, at least initially, anyway. 

That's because, by design, they are the number one source of love, comfort, food, and safety. The power of the boob is a formidable force!

The sense of belonging and safety stems from those first few precious moments and although they don't set the tone entirely for what's to unfold thereafter, they are extremely important and last long in the subconscious mind. So much so that the fear of abandonment, attachment, and neediness begins to take hold if there is a lack.

"You're the average of the five people you spend the most time with." - Jim Rohn 

As we start to grow up and if Dad is still around, he is naturally the second most important figure in the child's life. Then come any siblings, grandparents, and the extended family. That's why family units are so important - We literally become the average of whoever we are sharing life with like Jim Rohn said. 

To highlight this point, how many children do you know that say the same things and have the same mannerisms and characteristics as their parents and/or siblings? And how many carry the same fears and ideas of the world that their parents carry? Most kids I've seen are like little mini-me's, reflecting and expressing their parents in smaller bodies and squeakier voices. 

Then, as we get older, this ability to imitate one another transfers into our friendship groups. 

Friendships

If you've ever had (or have) a best friend, you'll know just how important they are in life. They might make the world make more sense or colour it in a way that only they can. Best friends can also be our primary relationship and they often are. They are a great source of love, laughter, creativity, loyalty, safety, and joy. 

When families break down, it's often our friends that pick up the pieces. So, as much as family units provide the foundation for how loved and safe we feel in the world, friendships continue this legacy on. 

Of all the 7.7 billion people…

One of our biggest missions in life is to find just a few of these lovely humans and fall in love. We spend hours grooming ourselves, applying cologne and perfume, dressing fashionably, creating wacky hairstyles, telling life stories, socialising, meeting family members, holding up invisible masks, staying fit and healthy, and trying to lose weight whilst agonising over how we look. 

For the lucky ones, they find their mate(s) and feel connected throughout life. Some even find their special one, have kids, and grow old together. So, let's look at our intimate relationships a little more closely.

Intimate relationships

While we put so much time and energy into finding "the one", we also like to doubt, question, cheat and even run away like there's no tomorrow.

Penguins have it much simpler. They choose a mate for life, hand them a sweet little pebble that they picked up on the beach, and… voila! The deal is sealed.

Us humans are a little more complicated.

However, this is a new phenomenon. We live in unprecedented times and our love lives are at the forefront.

Never has there been a time in history where our lover needs to be so many things. They need to fulfil the role of lover, parent, counsellor, financial partner, and best friend whilst simultaneously expressing wild animalistic passion, familiarity, surprise, faithfulness, loyalty, and trustworthiness with a strong sense of self, fierce independence, and edginess. Basically what we're looking for is an adorable puppy that roars like a lion, fucks like the rabbit, and flies like a bird. It's not too much to ask for right? 

How we dance through these paradoxes is a part of the modern game.

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It's very rare these days for a relationship to last a lifetime which is something our grandparents - only 3 generations behind us - can't fathom. And even if a relationship does last that long, there will undoubtedly be moments of doubt and controversy that bring it onto fragile ground. 

Yet, still, our dream of a happily ever after continues on. Still we search, fantasise, and long for such a deep loving connection with "the one". But with so much uncertainty, how can anyone ever know that we've found "the one"? And do we want that? 

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With 60% of happiness wrapped up in the health of our primary relationship, of course, we do.

Even if someone is a polyamorous wizard that has multiple lovers all vying for their magnetic sex appeal- firstly, I take my hat off to you, but secondly, there will still be that one special person that's of most importance and whoever that one person is will determine a helluva lot. 

 How could it not? We're primed as soon as we're born to need and love the person closest to us. And to be needed and loved in return. So, if Alain Du Botton is right - a whopping 60% of happiness depends upon how good that relationship is. 

Now, my rebellious independent self tried to debunk this well into the night when I first heard it. "How could so much of my power belong to someone else?" I thought. But then I began to loosen up. I reframed my idea and saw how beautiful it is that we are all interconnected beings that need one another to love, share intimate moments, and experience the wonder and rapture of life. So, instead of cursing this little-known phenomenon I now wake up with one burning question - what can I do better today? And then I go about trying to be that person. 

With 60% of my happiness on the line, I'm taking any chances.