How Does Parental Divorce Affect a Child?

Divorce and the child - how does the separation of the parents affect the child and how do we talk about it, how do we help him to accept the situation a little easier?

Parents normally think about how their child will be affected by their divorce: sometimes only the child stops them or makes them delay this step - and if the tension in the family is unbearable, this is not a good choice either (those who I say that I stay with unwanted spouses, who accept unhappiness and even aggression for the "good of the child" do not think that a tense, negative, aggressive relationship between parents also affects the child a lot)!

Speaking of divorce and childbirth, nowadays it is not at all a rare, extraordinary situation: more and more marriages are falling apart, and ex-spouses and children have to go through this experience. Sometimes it is easier to accept, other times it is extremely difficult and the child feels abandoned…

Although indeed, it is sometimes preferable for parents to separate than to continue to live in lies, unhappiness, frustration, and aggression ( a family environment not at all beneficial for a child, regardless of age), divorce is shocking, threatening negative change for the child, who loses his much-needed landmarks and stability…

Divorce and child:

Don't lie to him, waiting for the last moment to let him know of the separation decision. If you start talking about separation, if you have decided that this is the only way, then talk in advance with the child, together (if you can talk calmly together) or separately.

This is because if you wait until the last minute and suddenly put his face to face with the decision made, he will feel excluded, angry, and especially unimportant as if he does not care about him (even if he is still small). However, he will feel angry or unimportant because this decision was made without considering his wishes, so you should try to show him that his feelings and opinions matter to you, you need to talk about the decision to separate. ahead of time, as much as possible.

If you have been having problems for some time and you are starting to think about separation, do not pretend that everything is fine with the child; if he asks you if you have problems, tell him yes, you have been getting a little misunderstood lately (don't hide the fact that you have problems, because the child is intuitive anyway and in addition, so he will be better prepared); if he asks you if you're going to break up before you've made that decision, don't lie to him, try to tell him everything will be fine, but tell him honestly that you don't know.

Pretending that everything is fine only makes the news even more shocking.

Have a long discussion, explaining why you chose to divorce. Of course, the "why" will be important for the child. Try to tell her, without blaming someone, that this sometimes happens, that things change, that sometimes, even though you liked a person, you don't get along with her anymore and being with her hurts you (it's never It's easy to talk to your child about such a thing, but the key is to try not to blame each other - you both remain his parents).

Accept what the child will say without yelling at him or punishing him - he will probably be angry. Just try to show them that you are not happy either, that you are sad too, but that this is the decision you made. Do not try to adopt a false careless attitude, smiling so that the little one will not see your pain, because he will either not believe it or he will be angry that he will not care (but you will not show your suffering by intense discharges in front of him).

Explain that no one is to blame - especially him. Either one of the parents is to blame, or both, or he or she will feel guilty about the situation, repeat clearly that it is not someone's fault, as it happened (even if in your opinion it is the partner's fault).

The departing parent will have to talk to him and tell him that they will see each other every week and that the most painful thing is that he will not always be with him. The feeling of being abandoned by the parent who leaves is often the most painful - which is why it is so important for him to spend time with the child.

Don't ask them to take the side of one of you! As they say, talking about divorce and childbirth, even when you can't stand your partner, even when you think it's his fault and that he hurt you, try not to tell the child. Don't make him take your side, don't tear him in two, don't speak ill of the other parent to "escape".

The child may be angry with both of them for a long time - but trying to blame the other does not help!

Don't make him confident. Don't throw all your frustrations and disappointments at him, don't go into all the nasty details of the divorce, and don't start throwing mud at the other parent's head. The child must know the truth as early as possible but must be protected from painful details.

It is normal to feel the need to unload your soul, but not in front of the child. When the child is with the other parent, try not to let him down about what he said - don't involve him as a kind of spy in your battles!

Stay close to him and follow his behavior - make sure he can always talk to you, ask questions, even if the last thing you want is to talk about it. Try not to get angry at him, even if you are in a state of tension. Follow him for a long time, trying to see if he has changed much if he is very affected by divorce. See if she's isolated if she's depressed if she's hanging out with friends, if she's doing well at school, or if she's lost energy.

Unfortunately, children with divorced parents are more vulnerable to risky behaviors that make them forget (substance abuse) or rebellious behaviors. Some children, especially the youngest ones, suffer a significant regression in their development. Talk to the teachers and let them know about the change so that they are a little more tolerant (and ask the teachers about the child's behavior).

When you are worried about him, ask the school if there is a counselor who specializes in children (or look elsewhere - it is difficult for the child to talk to the parents, but maybe someone else would help).

Try to give him stability. No matter how hard it is for you, always remember that it is very difficult for your child. Try to maintain a family routine, to have a regular daily schedule, to have daily activities with the child. Divorce destroys the child's feelings of security and stability, so it is very important to show them that he is still in a safe house.

Do not try to make up for the suffering with gifts or excessive permissiveness. If you feel guilty about the experience your child is going through, the real support you can give them is to be by their side, willing to talk, and give them a stable, peaceful life.

But do not buy him with beautiful gifts believing that this solves everything and especially do not let him do whatever he wants out of guilt, forgetting the parental authority (even if the child screams angrily to leave him alone because he will not care about him anyway - try to get over the painful things he will tell you out of sheer anger, such as not caring about him or not being a good parent).

Talk to him about relationships - children who go through divorce often have problems having a relationship in the future, trusting the idea of ​​love, a happy relationship. When he grows up, try to talk about relationships, showing him that even the relationship between his parents, even though it ended, was not a mistake, that in the past things were good and you were happy, that you loved each other, but that it just didn't work…

Seek support. Concrete and emotional: people to help you, to spend time with the child to leave you free moments (it is good anyway for the child to stay with the other parent, but also with other relatives such as his grandparents). And if you suffer and feel depressed, speak up, unload your soul; When you can't regain your balance, calling someone to listen to you, whether it's a friend or a counselor, can be liberating and beneficial.