How Can We Shape Children’s Behavior?

We often hear (or even say) that "7 years at home" is a sign of good growth. In general, however, the expression is associated only with the acquisition of rules of politeness. The umbrella of these 7 years should cover other notions that shape a future responsible adult and self-control: the ability to integrate into the environment, to make beneficial personal choices while taking into account those around him, to develop a good self-representation, to behave appropriately and to correct oneself without too much effort when needed.

The main environment of influence of the parent is the relational one; it tells the child, verbally or non-verbally, how he or she would like to be or not, what to do or not to do. The way each parent disciplines their child is influenced by their values, experiences, and knowledge. Most of the time, we even meet parents of the same child with different opinions and values ​​about how things should be approached in the relationship with the child, even if the purpose of both is the same.

The process of education can be very frustrating or difficult, especially when repeated attempts to stop or change unwanted behavior do not lead to any visible results. It is important to note that there is a significant aspect of how we often discipline our children, as well as the impact it can have on the child's inner self and the relationships he or she develops with himself or others. It's about the difference between talking to children about how they are and talking to them about what they do.

Educate versus criticism

Often when we want to correct children's behavior, we express ourselves by referring to their way of being, thus labeling them. When under the impact of frustration or fear the message IS bad in words like "You're so stubborn / You're impossible / You're terrible, even though I've told you a thousand times / You're not good / I don't understand how you can be like that / Look at him as he is / Are you spoiled, etc. ", the child feels ashamed for what he is, rather than guilt for what he did. He feels the parent's dissatisfaction with the whole self, and the long-term risk when he hears this repeatedly is that he will feel exactly as he was labeled, and behave exactly as he did then.

Thus, studies show that in the long run, the more embarrassed one feels, the more distrustful, selfless, anxious, and aggressive one becomes, and shame has the paradoxical effect of intensifying the behavior that the parent is trying to change or stop.

As instructed

One recommendation in support of parents and their children would be to think beyond the pattern of "bad or good" behavior. It would be more useful to name, not label unwanted behavior. The naming of the behavior is specific and leaves the possibility of education and change, focusing on the action. Rather, it generates guilt, a feeling that can help the child to develop morality and a sense of control over his actions and unfavorable consequences.

For example, if Maria hits her sister who does not want to share toys with her, the comments should be directed at the hit followed by a suggestion of another way to deal with the experience or to address what she needs or wants.

One possibility might be: I know you're upset that your sister isn't sharing toys with you right now, but it's not okay to hit her when you're angry because it hurts. Could you show them otherwise that you want the toy too? Could you see if he wants to trade, what do you say? Maybe you can play with something else until she finishes playing here? Thus, the child's experience is validated, he learns the consequences of his action on another and can explore with the parent other possible solutions.

Equally important are the moments when we tell the children that they were good, that is, when their behaviors are desired. For example, instead of saying, "You were good," we could say that they were satisfied with their behavior - that they were able to stay awake for 15 minutes straight, that they finished the puzzle, that they exchanged toys, that they could wait until the parent finished what he had to do, etc.

As a result, the child will be able to associate the specific behavior named with the parent's satisfaction and his satisfaction being mirrored as good, thus forming a positive self-image and will integrate and repeat this behavior, applying it in other similar situations.

The child needs to know the difference between good and bad, but at the same time not to lose self-confidence as he learns. For this, it is important not to feel ashamed when making wrong choices, but rather to be supported in being able to better cope with certain feelings and find better solutions for his needs and desires.

So, to support children in a healthy way for their psyche, the recommendation is that when you want to either correct or reinforce a behavior, try to avoid referring to how the child is, and rather name what he did and the consequences of his action.