Hard Choices?

I found it at the ballfield. The book. I was watching my son play baseball, which up to that point was the only thing that truly gave me joy. It had been a long, few years and the field was my happy place. A place I didn’t have to worry about the bills not being paid. I could enjoy the sunshine. The sound of the bat hitting the ball. The cheers from the other parents who had more going for them outside of that complex than I did. I had tried counseling a few months before, but the guy hadn’t been quite right, and I hadn’t found a new one yet.

Maybe the book called to me. Lord knows I was ready for…something. I was heading back from the bathroom and in my haste to get my buttons done on my coat in the cold, I dropped my phone. I picked it up and as I straightened, I saw the leather bound book under the table next to me. I grabbed it and headed back to the stands to get a better look. It was exactly like those books you read about or watch in the movies. Moleskine. About 7 by 5 inches. The quintessential black book. Inside was the standard information. Names, addresses and phone numbers. Nothing surprising until I got to the last little bit. A blank check sat there. I reached out with a tentative hand to pick it up and stared. The name on it was a business LLC with the name of Whitehead Inc. A printed signature was there. It looked legit and I felt like this was one of those moments. Where you KNOW that something is about to happen that will change it all. Meeting the love of your life. Finding the job that moves you forward. Divorce. Good or bad, this was one of those times. My heart was pounding as I took in the details. It was signed. But no date and no amount, it seemed like it was just waiting for me to fill it out. I had worked at a bank for a bit out of high school and I knew that I shouldn’t be entertaining what was in my head. A blank check that I just happened to find under a table? This was nothing but trouble. But I knew in my heart that I was going to fill that sucker out and put it into my meager bank account. I came out of my reverie and looked around. The only other people I saw were fellow baseball parents. I felt like I was being watched, but I think that was mostly because I felt guilty. I put the check in the black book again and stowed it all in my purse. I then focused on my kid who had just made a double play from 3rd. I cheered him on while struggling to not thing about the little black book with a secret lurking in my purse.

Later that evening when I had some time to sit, I took the check out again and filled it out. I figured $50,000 was a good solid amount that would allow me to pay off everything and start saving. What did I have to lose? I wouldn’t spend it until I knew it was cleared, so if it was an awful cosmic joke, I would just be out the fee for the bank returning the check. I continued to write out my name and the legal line and took a huge breath as I took a picture of the front and back to mobile deposit. Now to wait for it to go through the processing and to hopefully change my life.

I spent the next week in anxious agony waiting for the shoe to drop. Every time my phone rang, I was convinced it was the bank telling me that I was a fraud. The call never came and the check cleared just fine. It was as if a million pounds had fallen off my shoulders. I felt happy for the first time in years and knew that I could finally start to build something. I set about the tasks of paying off credit cards and catching up on bills. I could finally get trim on my baseboards and pay someone to come and take care of my blackberry bushes that were taking over! I was so giddy! I had also started to look through the Moleskine a few times a day. Sometimes I did it without even realizing. Reading through the names and phone numbers hoping to glean some sort of clue as to who had left a check for me…

I got a text a week after the check had cleared. I was still on cloud 9 and happily searching new appliances to replace the old ones when my phone pinged.

“I hope you enjoyed my gift”

Those words made my spine freeze and my skin crawl. The other shoe had finally dropped. I was thinking of how I wanted (or if I wanted) to respond and the phone pinged again.

“I have been watching you for some time. Sad. Alone. I left that for you so you would get some relief. But I need something in return.”

I absolutely froze. My face felt like ice. Goosebumps were all over and I felt like puking. I tried to take a deep breath and that’s when the doorbell rang. I knew it was him. Thank goodness my kids were at school, I was feeling like I was losing my mind, and that feeling would have been worse if they had been here. I got up slowly and moved towards the door. My body felt like it was stuck in molasses. I took a breath when I got to the door and I looked through the peephole. All I saw was a top of a hat. My phone pinged again.

“I know you’re there. Open the door please.”

I stepped back and wiped the tears from my cheeks and opened the door to my punishment for being greedy and desperate.

The man’s head came up as I opened the door and I got a good look at him. Piercing blue eyes, high forehead and a thin mouth. This man was familiar to me. I didn’t know how or why, but I knew him.

“Hello Taylor. I hope you will forgive me for intruding, but it’s time to collect my reward for my gift to you.”

I knew where I knew him as soon as I heard his voice. Deep and soothing, with almost a hypnotic quality. He was the counselor I had gone to for my anger and depression. I had only gone twice because I felt like I wasn’t really getting anything out of it. As I looked into his eyes now, I remember being vaguely uncomfortable around him. And I remember that damn book. Always on the table next to him.

“I remember you. What do you want from me? Why are you doing this?” I hated how my voice shook. There was a ghost of sympathy that crossed his face.

“I’m sorry to have scared you. I was waiting for some time to pass before talking to you. I…” at this point he looked at me with tears in his own eyes. “Can I come in?” I stepped aside and let him in. He took off his hat and held in his hands and fiddled with it, clearly nervous.

“Wow. I don’t even know how to start now that I’m here with you. I…uh…Fell in love with you in those two sessions. The first session really. Your kindness. And sadness. The way you bite your lip and put your hair behind your ear when you get put on the spot. That tiny dimple in your right cheek, the way you want to help yourself so your kids have a good life. I wanted to help you. I just didn’t know how to do it without it seeming like charity. So, I left my book in a spot you could find. And the check. And all I want in return…” at this point he got red and started fiddling even more with his hat and wouldn’t look at me. He cleared his throat and continued. “I want you. I want to marry you. And take care of you. I know you don’t know me, so I can wait to marry you so you do get to know me. Both you and the kids. But that is what I need. And if you don’t give me that, I will tell the bank that you stole the check from me in the session and that you are a thief and a liar.” At my look of what must have been absolute disbelief, he at least had the decency to look embarrassed. “I don’t want to do that, so please. Give me a chance.”

I stepped back and looked at him and thought about it. I liked his voice. And his eyes. And I remember him having a very dry sense of humor and he clearly could take care of me. Of course, he had some control issues and maybe that would come back and bite me, but if I’m going to be honest with myself? I would rather that, than be miserably poor and unable to provide for my family. I looked into his eyes and saw that he did seem to at least think he cared for me. What did I have to lose?

“Let’s start with coffee and see where we go from there. My treat.” I said with smile. He instantly brightened up and got my coat and opened the door for me.

I shook my head and said to myself as I shut the door, “All because of a little black book, my life completely changed.”

The End