Grief

Grief

What do you do or say in times of loss? Death can come at any time or any age. We expect people that have had time and lived good long lives to pass on hopefully peacefully and usually people are somewhat prepared for that. When death comes unexpectedly, to a younger healthier person with no known causes, or to someone in a sudden car crash, that jostles us and we are looking for understanding and answers in times that just don’t make any sense. Faith plays a huge part for a lot of people coping with grief and loss. There are people that don’t believe in a higher power and just believe our bodies go back to the dirt and nothing more and celebrate the life that was lived and move on. Whatever your belief structure, the emotions of grief and loss hit us all differently and we each have to navigate through it in our own ways.

Grief is an emotion that nobody wants to feel, but inevitably we all do at some point or another. This is very poignant this week as one of my close friends is remembering her mother on the anniversary of her death, two of my family members recently passed, one unexpectedly another due to age related issues, and people we know have recently lost family during a time of virtual funerals. We will be sending out sympathy cards this week. Being an author, my husband told me to write something nice in the cards, and somehow my handwriting is better, which isn’t saying much at all. I am not writing much more than the card says other than our names and that we send condolences. Why, you might wonder. Because there is nothing I can say that is going to change anything for anyone. What I write is not going to stop the pain that people feel. They are dealing with the grief, they know that I’ve thought of them and I’m here and there is nothing that I am going to add to a well picked out card that the author didn’t already say. I sympathize with anyone going through a loss. If there is anything I can actually do for them to ease their pain or help them out, I will, but what would those things be besides making a dinner or talking to them on the phone? I would hug a bunch of people at a funeral or wake, but in COVID times that’s just not feasible.

Grief is an overwhelming feeling of sadness and loss. It hits everyone differently at different times in different ways and it’s never convenient. I still randomly cry to this day over my grandfather’s death about fifteen years ago. I have dreams of my grandmother and all the great times we had together. I wish I could just pick up the phone and call her and see how she’s doing. I laugh every time I think of my other grandpa with his thick accent laughing and singing at parties. There are lots of memories. There are people that I’ve lost that were barely eighteen due to drug overdoses. The world doesn’t always work the way we want it to, or in the order we think things should happen in, but we deal with what comes our way because that’s all we can do.

Growing up, wakes and funerals were a big part of coming together and truly celebrating the life of the person that passed. My family is large and loud, friends that come to our wakes and funerals are surprised to hear all the talking and laughing that goes on. We really celebrate the memories. Not every family is like ours and that is okay. I do believe there is something to be said for the community and love that is shared by the people who’s lives were touched by the person who left the physical world. Sharing stories and memories of the person’s life and celebrating the impact and legacy they left behind all the while learning over time how to live without them is a challenge and a process. It is easier to do together.

In the time of a global pandemic, grief and loss are felt far more heavily than before due to physical isolation and the lack of personal comfort. How many times can “I’m so sorry for your loss,” “My condolences,” and “if there’s anything I can do for you,” be expressed before the words start feeling like generic standard replies? I miss being able to go to the masses and services. I miss looking my family in the eyes and hugging them. This is the best way I know to express my love and care for my family. Let’s be real, no amount of talking or sympathy equates to the expression of love and compassion like a long hard hug. The kind of hug where someone holds you and it releases all the tears and feelings that you’ve been keeping bottled up inside while trying to keep yourself together in honor of the memory of the person you lost. Words cannot do what compassion and love can show. Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing. A knowing look and a long hug, taking up space with someone, being present with them while they grieve, feel and process their emotions. These actions help more than words. Events are small, but the closeness you share with the immediate family in times of loss are vitally important, now more than ever. I have gone to one virtual funeral since the pandemic started. It felt really odd. Many of the people I know didn’t even have funerals or broadcast the event, keeping it small for immediate family only. How do we process this loss and grief in a time of isolation? When will we go back to normal so that we can help each other through this journey together?

It will feel odd as the world still turns and changes. We will wonder how we could possibly go on with this dark cloud of sadness looming over us, but we will go on. You must live your life to the best of your ability. Your loved one never wanted you to suffer. Keep their memories alive in your heart and over time the wounds will heal. There may always be a scar, but that just adds character to your person. Grief is love that transcends realms and the person will live forever in your heart. It is hard to move on, especially during this time, but we have to stay focused on better tomorrows and always remember and cherish the memories of those we love.