Gratitude for Experiences & Kindness'

I wanted to write about things that happened in the last several days because I feel so immensely grateful for a few comments I have received this season and a few interactions I have been blessed by as well.

To start it off with, I have been getting a lot of negative comments about my kids and how they "act out" with only me (thereby implying that I had a problem parenting). And while my friends and family have said that I am doing a good job, that is part of their role to say, right? It doesn't necessarily make it true... but then I had to take them with me to a appointment on Tuesday and the provider went out of her way to let me know that she and her team were quite impressed at how well my kid's listen and that I was doing a great job. :-)

On Sunday, my best friend was sick, yet she came to support me when I let her know that I needed someone. I hadn't realized that she was ill - if I had known, I probably wouldn't have asked. She didn't have to show up, but she did and I am so grateful. I don't know if I will ever be able to fully put it into words, but recently I heard a poem that puts into words a small piece of how I feel about her: "Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away." ~Dinah Maria Mulock Craik, A Life For A Life My best friend is one of the only people that I trust to stay by my side and be able to sift through my thoughts to find the grain worth keeping. Most people I have a list of subjects that I know better than to discuss with them, but she doesn't have any subjects that I have found are not allowed to be discussed safely. I only hope that I return a similar comfort to her.

I went to a meeting and it was time to introduce myself. I had my words ready to speak, "My name is Adora Hooper. I live in ____ and I am an author, consumer of mental health services, and a caregiver." It was my turn to speak and I went to say my prepared introduction ... and nothing would come out! This is one of the reasons that I try to work with a service animal while out in group settings because it tends to help the whole "selective mutism" issue... but I digress. One of my mental health workers was at the meeting as well, seemed to realize the problem, and then calmly stated "This is Adora." I was so grateful! Then, another individual who knew me added that I was an author. I was/am slightly embarrassed at my voice occasionally just deciding not to work, but the urge to run away in panic is so much less when an introduction is made without a big deal. It allowed me to stay present - and I did finally share some thoughts.

While at the meeting, a well-known author who I admire, said that I was a good writer! I didn't even realize that he knew who I was - let alone thinking that I was "good" at the art form I love most of all. I am thankful for him sharing that as I always think my writing is, at best, mediocre and am constantly trying to improve upon it. That was very special and I do hope that I responded appropriately in the moment. It shocked me, so I want to ensure that if he reads this, I am very thankful and appreciative and it means a lot - especially from him! And especially if the thank you I tried to say in the moment didn't quite come out...

My therapist and I started working on something new: small talk. I used to hate it because I'd feel anxiety and have the pressing urge to over explain myself at any given time - and that isn't appropriate in small talk. However, I am on a new medication and have been running into a slightly different problem with small talk. I have deep thoughts about just about everything it seems and small talk is supposed to be surface level stuff. How do I bridge the gap between my thoughts and maintaining my authenticity without doing a faux pas and giving people a paragraph regarding the weather as their eyes start to glaze over...? haha My therapist and I practiced shortening some of my thoughts, but then she left me with a thought that I'm slightly rewording and summarizing: You don't have to shorten your thoughts as the right people will be intrigued by your depth. That meant a lot as I have long struggled with so many people saying that I am "too much" - and when she said it, I realized that MY people never think that I am "too much" (at least not in a bad way!).

I have another friend who has been very helpful in many ways, but something happened which caused me to be very triggered. They stayed calm and allowed me the space to regulate. I told them that I wanted to try the activity again sometime and they asked if I was sure. When I told them that yes, I was sure, something clicked in my brain: people who can hold emotional safe space for others when they are triggered aid them in healing. I thanked my friend for their part in my journey because even though I am the one doing the hard inner work to be able to move through my own triggers and rewire my brain to not perceive certain things as a danger, it would not be possible without other's holding a safe space for me to do so in. I can not focus on doing the inner work if I also have to be worried about the safety of my physical environment... or if those around me become unregulated, I switch my focus to them or escaping and (very unhealthily) stuff my feelings way down deep inside as my brain deems it unsafe (from many previous situations) to continue processing my own things. I also know, from personal experience, that it can be difficult to be around someone you care about working through things and usually I am the one holding the space for others, so I am SO grateful to have had this experience (and other experiences) with them. I only hope that I am also a safe place for them to rest and be themselves - despite my own problems.

The last few weeks have been hard in a lot of ways, but I am very grateful to be able to say with certainty that I will be okay. I am growing more confident in just being myself. And despite life's on-going struggles, God has always sent me the people that I needed in His time. I am eternally grateful to Him for doing so!