Grace: Defining a Nuanced Act of Kindness

Quite a long time ago, perhaps this may seem small and yet I felt I learned something very very important.

At this time of my life I was divorced, depressed, working too many hours. My brother and his wife lived in the apartment above me. His (ex)wife at that time had really created a bad situation in my family, relationships were disrupted, there were very bad feelings all around. At one time I had really liked her, and I had fully accepted her as part of my family, in spite of her bi-polar-ness, aggression, gas-lighting, hyper-control, and narcissism. This was the point where that was coming all unwound as well and her verbal/emotional, and sometimes physical abuse of her son and husband was just starting to become clear.

I felt I hated her, hated what she was doing, hated myself, hated my life, and felt no joy in the coming holiday. I decided I would opt out and not try to celebrate anything.

So I come home from work to my cold, dark, apartment. It’s christmas eve. I stood there in my living room feeling like a lump of coal myself. I thought, no, this isn't the life I want to be experiencing, how to change this?

I started that night by putting up a little “Charlie Brown Christmas Tree”, put some lights, trying to change how I felt about everything. OK it helped a bit but…

So I stood there and looked at that little tree and thought about it. I thought about the qualities I wanted to feel in myself, searching for anything valuable in myself. I managed to thaw enough to remember the point of this; at the darkest time of the year (or a life) to light the lights inside as well as outside.

Out of all this I decided that I would find a way to give my brothers wife a gift. Something personal, unexpected, and open-handed. Just the decision to do that shifted something. I got a great look at what willingness I had to forgive, to be generous, just to do something nice even if not appreciated.

At the time, she and I both had really liked a series on cable, and I had taped all of it (yes, VHS!), I had 24–30 VHS tapes that had the whole series, which was now off-cable and not available on any media. Unlike today there would be no way to buy that. It was my treasured possession at the time. I gave her the whole set! I treated her as-if she was the person I wished she was. I treated her with kindness and love.

I felt a huge shift in myself; my heart lightened, I felt hope, I felt human again. It was really the first time I fully understood the value of generosity of spirit.

Was the kindness to her? Yes, but not really. The real kindness was to myself and the gift was one I gave myself. I wish I could tell this story better but this had a huge impact on me ever since.

Image Link: RDNE Stock project

SUMMARY

Amidst a dark and troubled time in my life, filled with divorce, depression, and strained family relationships, I made a profound realization. Standing in my cold apartment on Christmas Eve, I decided to change my perspective. I chose to give my brother's wife a treasured gift, symbolizing forgiveness and kindness. Little did I know that this act of generosity would not only impact her, but would also ignite a transformation within myself, bringing light, hope, and a newfound understanding of the power of generosity