Gloomy Christmas 2020

With COVD-19 making people ill all over the world, nothing will ever be the same again. The hope for everyone hangs in the balance. But for me, hope is what keeps me going.

I would be happy to walk through the holidays blindfolded because it's the least happy time for me. The only good thing about my holidays is my man Shane being a part of them.

I want to feel happy, never feel alone. I know that in the middle of an epidemic sometimes hope is very rare to feel.

On the radio, I listen to Bing Crosby, or Nat King Cole singing songs about how it is a wonderful time of year to be joyous. But this year, it's not so joyous.

I have been asked by certain people what I want for Christmas.

"Nothing that you can give me," I said almost, bitter about it.

Truth be known, the only thing I want for Christmas is a job that will make me enough money to leave this place that isn't my home. It is just a building in my eyes. Also, to put everything that has happened to me behind me.

I want to live the remaining time of my life with Shane. I am so in love with him. Sunday was our first year anniversary. A milestone for him and I. We both have been through so much yet we are always together.

It is very tough to have hope when it feels like all is lost due to extraordinary circumstances. Our fate is bound and we are forever together.

And yet, I feel as though I still don't deserve happiness, even though he says I do deserve happiness and he plans on giving it to me. What he doesn’t know is that he is the only person who makes me feel not so horrible.

I never thought this would be my life, experiencing these awful things for the past ten years. But then have someone to share it with forever.

After one year, I am still not used to being happy or in love. To be honest, I am afraid a lot, thinking if I don’t do things right he will leave me. It’s my worst fear. I can’t control my fear. I hope it will disappear soon.

Sometimes, it’s very tough being full of hope because it can be taken away from me very easily. That’s why I am so gloomy most of the time. I just hide it.

I had a very troubled childhood, inner demons always around me. I had no such thing as hope, until now. It’s like gazing in a candy store but not being able to buy or eat candy. That’s what it’s like for me; I want to touch and feel my happiness.

The holidays were so rough for some people already before this epidemic, but it’s horrid now.

With gloominess there is hope; deep inside there is hope in all of us. We can’t give up, even though it can be hard.

I have always been afraid of being happy. My birth Mom always used to say, “If something is too good to be true it usually is.”

I think that is wrong, Shane is my world, he is more than that, he is my hope. He keeps me grounded. Most importantly, he is my anchor.

An anchor keeps a ship from moving forward, keeps it in place. That is what he does for me. And he says, “I am his lighthouse, shining like a beacon through the darkness.”

On December 25th, 2020, I know it will be a rough day. But I know I won’t be alone. I will have Shane always there with me. For this, I am grateful to have the love of my life by my side. I love you so much.

In conclusion, a gloomy Christmas isn’t so gloomy when you have the love of your life there with you always and forever.