From Hero to Zero - Why Do We Fall Out of Love?

Do you remember those first heady days of falling in love when the world looked and felt such an exciting place, full of joy and wonder?

How many famous pairings over the years have we all thought were perfect when the couple appeared blissfully happy, but things were not what they seemed?

A few notable couplings spring to mind: Charles and Diana, Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise, Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt and, probably the most famous and tempestuous love stories of them all, Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor.

So, when and perhaps more importantly, why, do the cracks in a relationship begin to appear? Each pairing is unique and I couldn’t possibly uncover every reason why couples fall out of love but, based on my own experiences, several factors are key in relationships breaking down:-

1. Trust
2. Financial difficulties
3. Bad timekeeping
4. Untidiness or laziness
5. Poor manners/bad habits
6. Children — your own or those from another relationship
7. Pets
8. Infidelity

Do you trust your partner?

Trust is a major issue. It is very important and when you know that you can completely, one hundred percent trust your partner, that is a solid basis for any relationship. It feels stable and there are no chinks in the armour of either of you. You are there for each other, as reliable as the day is long, no questions asked.

Financial difficulties

Money can also create friction and cause arguments. Financial difficulties put a tremendous amount of strain on couples and when you are forced to go without things like holidays or upgrading a car, it can be irritating. Worse still, not having enough money to pay day-to-day bills puts intolerable pressure on a relationship, causing fissures and fractures to appear in a once-solid foundation.

Poor timekeeping

Bad timekeeping is a big issue for me. I cannot bear tardiness when it comes to keeping appointments, whether it be a friend turning up late for a drink or your partner not keeping to their word, it signifies that they don’t think you are important enough to make an effort to turn up on time. Obviously, situations occur where people can’t make it on time, I get that, but because I am always respectful of time-keeping, I expect others to be just as punctual. If somebody is going to be late, the very least they can do is to let you know.

Untidy or lazy behaviour

None of us are perfect and we all have different standards and sometimes, if in a rush, we don’t have time to leave the kitchen clean and tidy but generally, if my significant other was not very particular in this department, it would irritate me. I am a very neat and tidy person and consequently, if somebody in my space is untidy, it bothers me. I tolerate it for a short time during holiday periods and visits by family and their offspring because children play with games and toys and our home looks like a bomb has dropped on it, and that is absolutely fine. The rest of the time, I like my home to be neat, clean, and tidy and my partner to respect that. Fortunately, my husband is the same as me, so we live together in neat, tidy harmony!

Manners are so important

Good manners were drilled into me as a child. ‘Please’ and ‘thank you’ were the first words that I taught my daughter. They cost nothing but pay you back ten-fold when you can help somebody lesser able or bring a smile to a stranger’s face when you hold a door open for them. The world is a better place when we show humanity to our fellow humans. Being respectful and having good manners in a relationship is very important to me. Again, we are all different and it may not be as high on the agenda for others as it is for me.

Little people are adorable but also can be very hard work

Children can also put serious pressure on couples. Talk to any new parent and they will invariably say that the new arrival is amazing but such hard work. Sleep deprivation is extremely difficult to cope with and blurs your judgment and physical ability to tackle even the simplest of tasks. Tiredness and a rocket launched through your neat and tidy lifestyle as a newborn or adopted/foster child enters the equation, can wreak havoc with any routine that you once had. That is the nature of children. However organised you think you are, they have a habit of turning things completely upside down.

Possibly creating more difficult situations between a couple are children from a previous relationship. This is a common denominator these days and sadly broken homes are common. However, when a couple connect and make the momentous decision to create a home together to include any children they may have from previous pairings, it can be a difficult time of readjustment for everybody.

It takes time to get used to new people being around you either in your new home or in your space and great care and understanding should be taken by all concerned. Everybody has different needs and personalities and with any large group of people, the mix can create friction if not handled well. Patience is a virtue and talking things through is important if something is bothering you. Clear the air and get things out into the open rather than bottling them up inside, with the inevitable consequence of exploding when you least expect the volcano inside you to erupt. This could damage the relationship irretrievably. Tread warily! It will take time but you will all reap the rewards.

Furry friends

Sometimes, a new pet can bring a different dimension to a relationship, particularly if one partner is keener than the other. Financial pressures can be put under even more strain, especially with a dog in terms of veterinary bills, pet insurance, doggy day-care, dog walkers and all the other paraphernalia associated with caring for a canine companion. Depending on circumstances, one partner may wonder why they took on the added complication of a pet. Hopefully, though, the addition of a pet can be soothing and not cause too much stress in a relationship. It is a serious consideration, though, if one partner is keener than the other to introduce a third party to the household.

Infidelity

When one partner strays, this may be an indication of their unhappiness. It could be that they are just that way inclined but whatever the cause of one person being unfaithful, there are usually underlying issues. These need to be talked about and ironed out. Also, the faithful partner may not want to accept the unfaithful partner back resulting in the breakdown of the relationship. This is a tough situation and needs some serious working through.

Compatibility is important, I think, in any relationship. After all, what’s the point in being with somebody you are not compatible with? The warning signs could be there right in the early stages. That’s not to say that I think we should be a mirror image of our partners, but it does make things easier and more enjoyable when you both enjoy doing the same things, for example, if you are both sporty types, gamers or whatever, there is something comfortable about enjoying these activities together. If a vegan tea drinker meets up with a carnivore who loves a few beers now and then, that could also be awkward or slightly difficult in social settings. Conversely, I also think it’s healthy when couples introduce new and different activities into the mix of their relationship so that sometimes we do go out of our comfort zone. That can be exciting for both parties.

I also think it’s very important to keep a certain sense of identity and independence, that is, not to surrender completely to the other person in your life but live in harmony alongside them, whether that be literally in sharing a home, or within the parameters of a loving relationship.

So, does it follow that when everything in our lives is going smoothly with no financial difficulties or other situations that can put us under pressure, the relationship flourishes? Not necessarily, although when everything is ticking along nicely, life does seem to be easier and less stressful. We all know that stretching ourselves mentally and physically is good for us on occasion. It’s only when that stress becomes burdensome and unmanageable that we feel the strains on our physical and mental well-being, which in turn can affect our intimate relationships.

How hard should we fight to save a relationship?

If one partner constantly displays behaviour or tendencies that irritate us, however tolerant and understanding we try to be, sometimes it irks us to the point of it becoming unbearable. Patience and understanding can go a long way in nurturing a relationship but we all have our limits. The trick is to know when and how to offset those irritating habits or tendencies and put a positive spin on them.

For example, if your partner tends to be needy and wants to know your whereabouts every minute of the day, try talking to them and tell them how it bothers you that they don’t trust you. Reassure them that you are trustworthy and that they have no need to ‘watch over you’.

I have always tried to maintain a certain amount of independence in my relationships. After all, we are individuals and nobody owns us or controls us. We should each be in control of our own decisions and not allow ourselves to be manipulated by another close individual. I have had to learn how to do this because I was completely controlled by an ex-partner. It taught me so much and I am determined never to allow myself to be controlled to such a degree ever again. That said, I have the greatest of respect for my husband and would never act in such a way that would upset him.

By remaining independent, I mean that it is healthy to have a different interest or sport from your partner, where you can go out and have fun with others, whether it be with family or friends, independent of your partner. If that bothers them, perhaps it is time to re-assess the relationship.

How hard you fight to save the relationship depends on how much you want to save it and, more importantly, if you think it is worth saving

If you truly love your partner and can look beyond the problems or issues that bother you, then fight with all your might. However, if the external obstacles are such that you cannot work through them, this will inevitably impact the dynamics of your relationship and in turn, the quality of your life.

As new relationships flourish and settle into long-term pairings, we each have to be true to ourselves. If we are so unhappy that we can no longer tolerate being in that relationship, it is time to face some hard truths. I wrote about that in an article entitled, Break Free and Take the Plunge.

At the end of each day, as we snuggle up to our partner to watch TV or wander down the pub for a couple of drinks, we need to feel loved and happy. If we don’t feel that way, perhaps we are starting to fall out of love.

We have two choices: we can either try and fix the issues and build bridges or face up to the reality that the relationship is destined not to be a ‘forever’ one. If talking things through and trying to work things out doesn’t reap rewards, then maybe it is time to end the relationship.

We should respect our partners and cherish the happy times that we spend together.

Life is too short to be unhappy.

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This article was first published on Medium, where you can find more of my work. Why not get a weekly update from my village in England by signing up to Rosy's Ramblings? I publish every Saturday and it's free!