from grief to love

As someone who feels deeply, I had always experienced the best of both worlds. Through sadness I was able to further appreciate all the love I once believed did not exist in my life. Sometimes we must lay bare, in the cold, like winter trees, waiting for the spring sun to come up. Waiting for the birds to sing at dawn, waiting for life to cheer us on again. That too is okay. Growth can only happen in the silence, let us honour our silent nights, and hopeful mornings. I want to touch you without seeing you, feeling you, or being in your presence. my goal is to listen to parts of you that have been unheard for so long, my goal is to reach you through my words. To instill hope in the doubtful hearts. my goal is inspire courage in you, to inspire courage in myself. I hope that you may open your eyes to the light you have within you, even if you do need a reminder. Open your eyes, open your heart, and feel all the dead flowers come alive. I am simply here to remind you that spring exists within you, as does winter, autumn, summer. All seasons are essential for our growth.

What still makes me sad..

1. My body is still mourning and processing all it’s been through. I can feel it, I am more tired, a lighter appetite for both food and life, it’s as if i need to take it easy, with what I eat, who i surround myself with, how I take care of my body. It hurts me to have put my body through so much. I am only now learning to nurture her.

2. Societal issues. Suffering from a society that is blinded by the truth.

3. What i ‘should’ or ‘should not’ be doing. we forget, we are born free. so I intend to live and speak freely. A powerful affirmations - 'it’s okay to not be what everyone else is doing.'

4. The lack of flowers and sunshine during winter time. when I was younger I believed and convinced myself that my favourite season was winter. only because my birthday is during winter time here in the southern hemisphere, but as I grow older, as important as winter may be for my growth, there is little joy. The simplicities such as drinking a cup of hot tea or watching a nice movie inside are what I must find joy in, and that’s okay. However winter time is a period of reflection, cultivation and finding any ounces of joy in a simple life. Going outside, there is no range of beautiful pink peonies or red dahlias greeting you hello or reminding you to keep going. All there is, is a stillness in the atmosphere. But at least I know then, nature is lamenting its loss of life too.

5. The exploitation and mistreatment of even our own. I believe we are trying to move on too quickly. There are many injustices in this world that have not yet inspired movements. i believe we need to slow down. take care of our people, this land, other living creatures. work on todays issues rather than create future issues. we’re going on too quickly. the world is only getting more fast pace. why don’t we slow down. look within and look around. ask yourself questions. be sure of who you are. what you value. what you believe in. develop a passion for this world, care. all you need to do is care, for all of us and that alone will inspire and drive change. you’ll feel it in your bones. good, change, will come of your care for the living. I want us all to care.

My experience with grief

'7 days of grieving' - A piece that concludes my very first poetry book.

On the first day I cried a waterfall, for hours, until i embodied a dry river inside. On the second day iI stared into the void you no longer filled and wondered what to do with it. On the third day i gave up the luxury of food. On the fourth day i finally went out into the world, i smiled, even laughed, as i was on the way home I realised… A shadow had been following me all day, growing larger with every step closer to my home. as if I did not carry enough weight with me. more gloom… was longing to be felt. The fifth day i was emotionally paralysed, how could i be any more accepting of the very things that consumed, controlled, destroyed me. on sixth day there was silence… both comforting and intimidating. No shadows. No noise. The silence of my own thoughts. Overtime an unfamiliar loneliness had overweighed me. i did not know what to do with the emptiness in my palms… so i let it go, then it came back to devour me. On the seventh day… I experimented with my messiness and created something.. quite beautiful. I did not know grief could be used for cultivation, I felt inspired. I still cried, but should I grieve again.. I’d know what to do.

Returning to love

I believe that grief, when it comes down to it, beneath all the layers of sadness, denial, and ugly - is derived from love. A love so deep no loss can truly erase it. So here we are, with a multitude of memories, moments, emotions that come from a specific person. I was enlightened to realise, that love is a force that never dies, only transcends. Love is an experience that is more than an emotion, more than our human flesh itself. Love is the light that reaches that enters the shutters of darkness and inspires even more light. Love welcomes itself in, and hangs around until you decide to let it lead you into a life of fulfillment and gratitude. Love is a gift that does not look to receive, but to give. Love does not discriminate, not even the ugliness in this world. Love seeks to heal and draw out the dirt beneath our stained skin. Love is not an outside force we must go looking for, love starts as a seed we must plant in our hearts, and let it grow and spread out blissfully throughout our body. This is my experience with love.