For A Moment

I think back to Highschool when trying new things was a thing. Take romance for example. Everyone dreams to find someone they can share a bond with during their 4 years of educational doom and gloom. In those doom and gloom moments are times in between that hold spaces of harmonious laughter, smiles that spread from one side of the face to the other. I lay awake most nights reading a book that involves minimal love triangles and squares. Or I’ll read about a character from a show or movie I’ve watched a thousand times over. Those characters bring me comfort.Of course I don’t just read specifically romance but other genres that are exploring something else. For the sake of this- whatever you want to call it- I’ll just stick to the romance.

I digress. In Highschool I was not romantically involved even now as a twenty year old woman in college. I did however experience my own- at least what had felt like a once in a lifetime opportunity. Most nights I spent doing the same thing as I am doing now reading. To take me away from my reality of loneliness that seems to be the only consistent thing in my life…besides my dogs... Though I will admit there are times where reading doesn’t provide me the comfort it usually does, instead it brings forth the remembrance of what life would've been if I had taken the chance. Just for a moment I think back to his brown eyes and his kind smile. For a moment in time I think of the seconds we spent trying to communicate and yet each time it was a failure.

Or the moment when he was no longer with the lover who crushed his heart only to take her back. To crush mine with false hope and an illusion he wore for the rest of the world to see but me. His gentle smile still lingers but his eyes become saddened by the choice he made. When time would pass his eyes searched the room for mine taking any second he had to spare and grab hold. I tried my best to avoid his eyes but the moment they crossed the world slowed down, time no longer ceasing to exist. Until it was ruined by a friend or by foe. I knew what I wanted, the risks, the dangers of what I felt and the troubles they caused.

Even then I wasn’t able to let go as I should’ve. There was a moment in time when the two of us stood still in a room. No one surrounded us, he and I were gazing at each other. Only silence remained as the laughter of our friends drifted in the other room. His eyes furrowed, he looked tense, hurt, fighting himself. He wanted to say something but fought to not say a word. In that very second he should’ve said what he wanted. It would’ve saved us both from the heartbreaks we face in the future. I should’ve spoken to him maybe then that very last second I could’ve changed the course we were on and I didn’t. Neither one of us took the opportunity to speak our minds. Maybe it was for the worse or maybe for the best. The truth is that in those last moments it became apparent as to why he didn’t say it.

His heart had already been broken, as he broke mine. You could say he didn’t mean to emotionally hurt me, you could even say he didn’t know. Unfortunately for us both he knew but never attempted to stop it. So the pain continued. The broken promises of love forever were made by an ex lover. Only to wait everyday to see another who was free that might have been his ticket to freedom. Yet he managed to shut the door and look from the inside out. Making the opportunist choice no longer an option just a bubble of words with no meaning. To be in a triangle in a moment like that is the most dangerous place to be. Every second counts from the start all the way to the finish. Each minute that passes by is a decision that hangs loosely in the air of should I or should I not.

Romance in Highschool is a lot different from the outside world. There are no secret glances from across the room during practice, or secret lingering touches when crossing each other’s paths. Instead what’s left is a heart in pain, the last moments ripped from within. Again I read because it takes the pain away but every once in a while the pain returns and I am reminded of the moments that would’ve, could've and should’ve been. I’d like to say that the person who was hurt the most was me but that would be a lie. The person who was tormented the most was the boy himself. He was torn down and left with nothing but his own bleeding heart of pain. Two of the girls he cared for left him in pieces, one without any remorse while the other cared but had nothing left to give him. So even a moment of reading can bring joy and comfort but just as quickly as it does it can easily bring pain and heartbreak. A simple reminder just for a moment we wish for a different outcome only to realize what happened can never be changed. For this moment that is okay.