Finding love in a pandemic

Romantic love is a phenomena that has been witnessed in 147 out of 166 cultures but what is it, why do people strive to find it and is it possible while the Covid-19 pandemic is crossing the globe? My partner decided to give me her views on this.

Love is a phenomenon that has been studied more than any other wonder, yet it is still the biggest confusion. It has been expressed in literature, music and art.

In the era of period-based novels by Jane Austen and poems by William Wordsworth, Shelley or Keats, a romantic flavour flowed across the pages. Portraying love as a step towards marriage, where our partners are perfect, and we are fully tuned into one another’s needs. Love being an extreme emotion that takes hold and can not be controlled.

According to Urban Dictionary love is the experience of getting butterflies in your stomach every time you see or talk to a person. It is a bundle of emotions that make you want to do anything for the person in question because you simply cannot function without them. It is knowing deep inside that if that person left, nothing would ever be the same again.

Neuroscientists have come to some agreements. For example, love exists when one person feels that they must make more of themselves for their person. That should it be needed they are able to save the day.

They agree that love is like a drug which once experienced, the need for more becomes a paramount task. Love is like an addiction because it triggers the same neurotransmitters in the brain as cocaine, particularly dopamine. As humans we simply cannot get enough of this pleasure giver. This addiction in turn becomes an obsession where you want these feelings to be triggered over and over again.

All logic and reasoning, have been compromised while transmitters are focussing on the dopamine production. Suddenly you have a sense of purpose.

This all sounds rather exciting, but also a bit too scientific. What were my partners thoughts on the matter? Here are her answers to some intriguing questions.

Where did you get the idea of what love is?

“I declare after all there is no enjoyment like reading! How much sooner one tires of anything than of a book! When I have a house of my own, I shall be miserable if I have not an excellent library” Jane Austen. I was beginning to think that love was something I read about only in books. Having the ability to lose yourself in the pages of another person’s loves story, gives unprecedented hope, which you are inclined to believe will one day become your reality.

Going back to the 1950s to date a person you must jump the hoops just to drink a milkshake, ask permission from the parents of your soon to be sweetheart; Cute emojis and faceless communications were not thought nor heard of. According to pew magazine 59% of young couples aged 18-29 were already married. It appears young adults in the 1950s were just starting to embrace free love and the sole purpose of dating was to be married.

What led you to attempt to find it?

After being single for some time, combined with the ever-changing events of the past year, I had decided that it was time to dust myself off and put myself back out there. Just like that it felt like a fabulous idea to go in search of love in the middle of a pandemic; on a dating site; said nobody, ever; until me, until a smile, until a statement.

Finding myself exchanging long 12-hour days out of the house, to home cooked family meals, blankets and family time. Life seemed to grind to an unexpected halt, even with the addition of me attempting to home school my child while trying to figure out the new world of zoom. Of course, it seemed like a great idea to conquer the world of heartache. If nothing else, it might fill in the endless days that lay ahead and with some apprehension and the Dutch courage from friends, I took the plunge.

What was it like?

I spent a few moments swiping left uninspiringly until I came across a woman with a smile that caught my eye. This is not really the type of dating I am used to. I consider myself to be an old soul and romantic at heart. Is it really possible to express these beliefs and feelings through a screen?

I clicked the profile and read all the way to end, which I have learned is something that most do not do! I saw a statement she had received from her sister, and I quote “no more numpties”. After sending a message to the woman with the smile I waited patiently for a response. It felt like I was in my very own old-fashioned romantic novel and with that mindset I waited... Within a day she replied, the conversation flowed so naturally.

Conversations that felt like minutes that lasted hours. I was finding out more and more about this woman in such a short space of time. My heart was racing and each day the butterflies would come and go. I felt I had known her all my life.

Did the amount of talking before hand make it easier or harder to meet in person?

The connection was already made so once we met it was comfortable. There were nerves but I was ready and so was she. It was just like continuing the conversations that we were already having. No awkwardness of the getting to know you.

How long did you spend swiping?

I would do a little and then I would get bored so not much. I messaged two people. Both came back to me but only one was worth my time.

It wasn’t until the second time that you met that it started to go forward. What do make of that?

Fate wasn’t ready, it had to take a minute and weigh up whether it was a right match. Once fate had made it’s decision though, there was no stopping it.

A quote to describe how it felt?

"L'imagination d'une femme est très rapide; elle passe de l'admiration à l'amour, de l'amour au mariage en un instant." The question still begged though, is it real?

What was different to normal dating?

Generally, when people think about dating, its ideas of the cinema or bars and pubs. However, the concept of dating within a global pandemic was more service station stops and virtual movie dates. So, tell me, would you find this easier or harder? The thought of dating is terrifying under normal circumstances and can cause many different varieties of anxiety, as I am sure we are all aware. Where there is a bar, more people around and background music. Primarily a vital part to making people feel at ease and feel a little safer, potentially goes some way to breaking the ice.

Dating this way is modern and exciting, but allows people to communicate through literature, just the spoken word. It gives time for the mind to connect without the immediate side of physical attraction taking over.

Do you think this will be the new way?

It appears this is the new world order, since lock down began there was a 40% rise in interaction within the online dating world. People seeking the communication they longed for which the pandemic had taken.

Do you think true love is real?

I guess there is not really an answer I can give you here, you must take the path and find your own answer, for true love stories don’t have endings.

So, it does appear that all of the theories around love are true to some extent. There is a clear feeling of intensity that grows rapidly throughout your body, there is the addicted obsession where you simply can not get enough. In my view, as the person asking the questions, everything that Lorna said is true, true love does exist. It appears at unexpected times, in unexpected ways and when you feel it, it is unmistakable.

Thank you, Lorna for sending me that message and thank you for getting to know the real me and not just the persona. I hope for a future of happiness, ongoing love and compassion for the two of us. The sneaky car dates, the virtual movie nights and the days and hours of talking were just the start of something that will be amazing!