Feeling I try to Ignore

I won't lie I I'm not sure why I doing this but do you know when they say sometimes the best person to talk to people you don't know at all I guess I'm trying this right now.

This morning I woke up and I decided to use them my laptop erase this morning I woke up and I wrote a few things on my laptop about how I've been feeling lately and I am I guess I'm just going to give you an idea of what I wrote. So recently I feel very annoyed and angry,a little sad, and a teeny tiny bit jealous and all these combined together make me feel very anxious. I hate that I feel this way because I’m a person who likes to shut off if that makes any sense, I'm not saying I don’t have any emotions or anything; it's just I don't like feeling them I guess. I tend to distract myself away from my emotions. I do that a lot I busy myself with work; I actually work two jobs I like to keep myself occupied by meeting up with friends and keeping up with school. You know just anything that help me not have to face how I feel. I'm just scared to find out what really lies under there. I just don't know what to do about them and I feel like nothing can be done and it's just like I have to live with it.

I hate that one of the reasons I feel like that is because of a boy a boy I hate that so much like I hate that I'm allowing someone to have some of that power over me although they don't know about it because I act completely different around them; as if he didn’t exist. I refuse to let him see me vulnerable, or sad. I refuse to let anyone know they have that capacity.

I have been through so much involving situations like these and I finally conquered so much, I don't ever want to go back to feeling that low again when I allowed someone to have a say over my happiness. That was a time I didn't feel very good about myself I think this is something everyone can relate to we all have these moments where like there's something that's just the one thing you just dislike about yourself and you let it control everything in you life. You don’t even notice it and suddenly you’ve allowed yourself to become slave to those insecurities and traumas you’ve gone through. And it ends up controlling everything about you. Some of us don’t realize that those traumas are affecting us to this day no matter what age you are or what you've been through. I’m in the start of my 20s, which to a lot of people that is very young and they discard what I’m going through because “life will get tougher as I get older”. They say your 20s is the time to discover who you are and what you want to do with your life in the future yet sometimes just I get stuck in my teenage trauma and insecurities, which I feel prevent me to move forward. Starting 2020 I wanted to change and really focus on me; on better emotions but to do that I have to face I what is already there that I tend to postpone.

Not everything is about the boy though, these emotions I’ve been seeking are also about my personal issues. Like things happening with my family not feeling like I’m understood. I have a plan I know things are gonna work out but its just the pressure of life you know? It can be a lot sometimes.

Now I know I said a bunch of things and everything just seems mixed up but honestly that's kind of how it goes in my head right now. My next story will make a little bit more sense. I guess this could be considered an inch an introduction of me or what you're about to get on my page.

I want to make it these stories about everything and I mean everything. I'm such a passionate person so I love to have deep conversations about every topic you could think of so bear with me and I hope someone can relate to anything out of a jumbled mess I just wrote about here don't hesitate to comment like my bio says i guess; I'm here to relate to people and make them feel that they're not alone because I don't want to feel alone anymore.

(I do not own the photograph on this story).