Being Single for a Decade

Hi all, and by all I mean even if it is just one person reading this I am extremely grateful for you being here. This is my first post and it feels little nerve wrecking to be open and share about my life and experiences.

Also it is really exciting that there might be opportunity to connect with other writers and readers and be able to connect, inspire and maybe help others through my life experiences and boy, I have had so many.

I was going home from grocery shopping tonight thinking what to make for dinner tonight, which is always a struggle to think what to make by the way and it suddenly hit me. I have been single since 2016. It is 2026. Especially with the recent trend last few weeks of throwbacks from 2016 it is even more thrown in my face that I have been single for a whole decade. Crazy.

Coming out from a really bad relationship in 2016 and being left as a full time single parent for the longest time I just wanted to be single. I just did not want to make the same mistakes. I was also very broken and it took me good few years to build myself and my confidence from ground zero. Most of all I wanted to protect my son. And I was too scared to make the wrong move, the wrong step, too focused on getting hurt again that it took me years to be more open and more accepting of love coming into my life and that my next relationship will not be as horrible as my first.

However the years have gone by and I am realising this is not cute anymore, me saving myself for that one special person, waiting on my soulmate. I do not want to add a sense of urgency to this but at the same time ten years have passed by like nothing and I need to start digging through my life choices and what I really want in life and maybe the problem is me.

I have been getting to know some really amazing men, I have so many great stories to share, my friends say they literally live through me. But where does that leave me? I have these great stories to share about all these great men that I have met, some who are world famous superstars, some who really fell head over heels and in the end I burnt all the bridges and pushed everyone away. As my friend would say I would change my mind about a guy I was talking to and use an excuse like “one of his pinky is longer than other so I am done” — her exact words, not mine, still makes me laugh.

Painfully she is right. And I am still trying to figure this pattern. If this is my way of protecting myself and self sabotaging to push people away. Or if I truly believe the right person can not be pushed away and they will fight for me if it’s really meant to be. Or maybe no man is simply just good enough because I never want to go back to the place I was made to feel small and made my light to be dimmed because he was too insecure with my dreams and my beliefs of what life should be.

The worst feeling in the world, whether it is a friendship or relationship is where you have been made to dim your light. That you are “too much”. I have worked very hard to be where I am right now. I still have a lot to achieve and I am definetely not where I fully would like to be, but i would consider myself a succesful woman with a good career, I like to take care of myself, I love being girly and fashionable. I feel like as a woman I can offer a lot to a relationship — but also from my experience this is also too much for some guys. They love it at first, then their insecurities creep in and now you are just too much, you make them feel like they are not enough.

These are just some of the struggles I have been facing. I do have some beautiful romantic stories to share with all. And after 10 years of trying to find love I have never lost that fire burning inside me and believing that I will find that one person who is my best friend, my lover, someone I will travel and see the world with, someone I will sit outside our backyard watching a bonfire burning and stars above us and laugh as the night goes by. A relationship that has that youthful, childlike energy and we both mutually respect and love one another and we communicate and on our bad days the other will be there to pick us up and respect our boundaries.

I once went on a date with a guy from New York, really lovely guy. He shared that there are just too many options. Many people don’t like making effort anymore. The first hurdle and there is another person, and another person and another. And that feeling is addictive, all that dopamine hitting when you first start talking and it is the long phone calls, the little cute messages, the “I am thinking about you” reminders. The second that ends it is just too easy to go and find the next person. And that is the worldwide issue men and women face.

Even I have been single for last ten years I have also got my heart broken by several men in the proccess. My fault is I love too hard, too deep, too fast — I start to fantasise about what could our future look together and I hate being patient. And that’s not how it works. So I have been learning how to take things slow. I have been trying to be more open and allow myself to be taken on dates and allowing men to take me out. For longest of time I found it hard accepting things from others. Whether it is just a simple coffee or a birthday gift. I’m not sure why. Because I would do so much for others but when others try to do same for me I would struggle to accept it. I read somewhere how important is the give and receive, the yin and yang energy in our lives. Life loves a balance. And apparently men have the provider and protector instinct, and then there is me, a guy opening door for me makes me feel weird — like I can do this myself. Funny. Lately I have been trying to enjoy this. It is such a small little thing. Door being opened, chair being pulled out, wine being poured. You would not think that for some like myself this would make me feel so weird and akward. I am still learning slowly how to allow myself to receive. Because I truly give out so much love and light on a daily basis. It just is my nature and essence.

I have always been a woman of faith. Not neccesarily religious, but very spiritual. And faith and belief has got me through some really tough situations in life. And I still have the faith and belief that I will get married and he will be the right guy for me and that I will be the right woman for him.

And there is a divided opinions about wanting this. Which is also fine. One of my own best friends literally hates the guts of each and every man, she does not believe in any happy relationships. We both been through very similiar situations and she is still processing and healing from hers and I respect it. And it can be hard sometimes to be that woman who want this. Because I do get it why so women choose to be single over relationships. I get it because I also love my peace. I recently started to solo travel and opening up to the world and some would say why would you want a man. I do. And I am still searching. And I do want the old school fairytale love and I do believe my future person is out there believing in the excact same things as I am. And we will meet. As I am patiently waiting.

Ten years later, haha. The search continues..