FALLING

Kicking, Yelling, Screaming, Crying; Let me out. Please, let me out. I hate it here. It’s so dark. So, cold. I just want to go but then again what happens if I leave? Life is uncertain but who says death fixes anything? The beauty is blissful but the pain drives me insane. Why? Why does it hurt so much? One things for sure, beauty doesn’t prevent the feeling of ugliness. The mind can take you so deep. Deep down into this abyss of nothingness…. where you lie. Being told how much no one loves you. How much you’re not worth it. How much I need and don’t have. How love is the key yet…. I can’t hold onto it to save my life. Thinking of how so many people are confined for their minds being just like mine. A cell with padded walls, and a designer straight jacket to ensure no escape…. Still fly as we drown in our sorrows. Your mind; or a prison. Oh God please, let me out.

Falling: “No matter your size you’ve always been gorgeous, and whatever you’re going through ain’t showing anymore. Should’ve been a model but it’s too late now.” My poker face was on point thanks to my uncle but my energy was damn sure felt. Pain, anger, frustration, was exuding from my body. Fuck do you mean it’s too late now? All the shit you just said was a contradiction and equates to nothing. Could’ve kept that bullshit to yourself.

Falling: “You think you allat, think you better than somebody like you got it with you and all your family living up in that damn attack.” Checkmate. Poker wasn’t a skill of mine at this point and I truly didn’t give a fuck if you knew how I felt or not. Although I was shocked and remained quiet, Fuck you was written all over my face. Behind that, I was saddened, ashamed. Yeah, I may have had my nose so far up in the air that I couldn’t even see my own damn self. But who the fuck were you? Speaking to me like that because I didn’t make room for you? Didn’t entertain you. Yeah, in my eyes you took up space, and had no value because you weren’t fresh, but so what? I’m me. And maybe I was looking at it from the wrong angle but it was more than your appearance that gave you away. You reeked of callousness. A hardened heart.

Falling: “You’re pretty, for a dark-skinned girl.” Umm say what come again? If I had a dollar for every time I heard this backward ass compliment, excuse me, statement, I’d be giving Oprah a run for her money. Fuck does that even mean? I’d be more attractive if I were lighter? Even if I wasn’t actually pretty huh? Hmph.

Falling: “I’d rather be pretty with a fucked-up body than ugly with a nice shape.” Ugly is a personality. A way of living, thinking, behaving, so if I’m ugly, you’re absolutely hideous.

Falling: “I’m still here after all these years, I haven’t left you. Nobody has nor will be able to do what I do for you.” Lie to me and buy me shit? Yea, iight. People do that shit all the time. People have used me for their personal gain A LOT. Still putting myself back together for all the times I’ve allowed it. Guess I do, get it honest.

Falling: “You so damn stupid. A dumb bitch just like yo’ mama. Ain’t good for nothing. What you got to say? Nothing. Exactly. Just dumb as fuck.” Most of my academic career was spent exceeding the standards, often overthinking, surrounded by high achieving White society types because I made, “the cut”. Yet, I still believed you when you laid your insecurities on me. I was definitely ignorant treating myself that way and accepting said treatment.

Compliments had me open and complaints made me weak. And being can hurt because I see so little of me, and so much of who you’ve told me to be. Forgetting that before I knew you, I knew me. And that you and I are only here for a moment to elevate and break this glass ceiling.

As I shed these layers don’t be upset if we lose touch. Your moment has passed and just like I wanted the best for you when we were tight, I still do. Just going to get what’s best for me.