Exploring The Abyss...

A strange truth about this beautifully-tragic world.. People will say they miss you when you’re only a phone call / text away. They’ll say they miss you as if you don’t live ten minutes away. They’ll invite you to an event yet haven’t spoke with you for weeks on end. And they’ll like your posts and “support” you from a distance yet don’t have the time to simply ask “how are you feeling today?”

How about we start telling the people we care about that we love them while they’re still alive. And don’t just tell them, show them. Tomorrow could be my last day on Earth and I’m at peace with that but are you? I don’t believe in living with regret, guilt, or shame in my heart. In my waking life, I’m conscious of how I present myself. I choose to be empathic, unconditionally loving, transparent, positive and so on. I also choose to stay quiet via social media because I understand how my truth might create feelings of discomfort in others but I’m tired of living in the shadows so that your little bubble of comfort stays intact.

I’ve been growing and changing sooo so much over the past year and it’s about time I start sharing my story / lived experience so that it may serve as support and guidance for others.. Ya see, for the first time in a very long time, I feel proud to be alive. I feel like I actually have a sense of purpose and belonging in this world. I also feel like I finally have the tools to communicate my visions and experiences with clarity. I want to free myself of this weight that I feel like I’ve been consciously, subconsciously, and unconsciously lugging around my entire life. So here’s my leap of faith into the abyss. If you are going to continue reading, I would like to set the intention for you to read with open mind and an open heart.

In retrospect, I was dying to heal. A lot of you probably never knew I was hospitalized on multiple occasions and suffered from frequent self-harm / suicidal ideations. A lot of you probably never knew I was in therapy between the ages of 14-17 and was prescribed anti-depressants / mood stabilizers. A lot of you probably never knew I turned to copious amounts of drugs, alcohol, and broken relationships with the belief I’d find myself. On the flip side, some of you know these things about me and know how they have effected me yet pretend like everything’s “all good” because I know how to keep my mouth shut.

For example, did you know I was sexually abused as child before I could even think for myself? Or that my sister was killed along with my nephew before I had the chance to get to know them yet alone remember them? Or that I was deathly afraid of the dark and falling asleep because nightmares were normal? Or that my mother gave up her guardianship of me because she literally could not deal with the pain that destroyed our family? There’s more of course but my point is, my trauma is buried deep. All the things I just mentioned happened before I turned 9. And before I knew it, I had seen three different homes by the age of 10. Some would say I have that “special” kind of trauma that haunts a family for generations. There’s absolutely nothing special about it because pain is an inevitable aspect of the human experience. It’s something that has the potential of connecting us the same way love does. We have all felt it and will continue to feel it for as long as we are alive. Despite my interesting childhood, I feel like I was a naturally happy, curious, and loving kid despite it all which sets the tone for what I am / am becoming.

I understand I share this burden with my siblings yet the three of us coped / cope with it in different ways due to our age difference. Truth be told, I feel like I grew up an only-child who had no other choice but to figure out and feel this shit out for himself. For example, I remember finding out the details of my sisters death via a TV show when I was in middle school. Do you know how many questions I had and still have to this day? Looking back, there was a bunch of reasons why I chose to stay quiet. One of them being, I was the “new kid.” At the time, my intuition told me to stay silly and innocent so I did what any “normal” kid would have done conditioned by society: bottled my feelings up and moved on. I realize I can only shine light on my perspective so why don’t we fast forward to the present day and understand further how my lived experience relates to the quote above which inspired me to write and share my thoughts.

As I continue to learn, grow, and evolve, the more I recognize how much power and beauty lies in our stories. Self-actualization is a fascinating thing. The definition being: the full realization of one's potential. Some would define it as the coming home to one’s “true self.” I spent about 10 years out in New Jersey and the past 3-4 have been spent in Connecticut. You wouldn’t know it by looking at or talking with me now but I was still in need of deep spiritual, mental, emotional healing as of this past year! (And still am to an extent) Only recently have I truly began to tap into and become more aware of my highest self. I am of course still hurting and healing but the connectivity that I have within myself today is unlike anything I have ever felt before. I would like to continue strengthening this connection with myself so that I may serve others more effectively. And by others I mean my fellow humans, healers, creators, artists, aliens etc. I am fully aware my words will not resonate with everyone so if you feel anything at all while reading, I hope you dwell on that feeling and reflect on it. With that being said, you will be hearing from me and seeing more of me from here on out. I am passionate about human connection, art, and the truth so the only way I feel like I can live my life happily, is if I dedicate my existence to understanding what it means to be human.

Before I go, I want you to understand that I didn’t type all of this for you to give me advice or to change the way you relate me. I don’t desire your sympathy or your pity. I typed all of this because it brought me joy and a sense of release. It’s as simple and as complex as that. Our time spent here in this physical form is very limited as opposed to the limitless beings that I believe exist within all of us. The human mind cannot possibly comprehend what happens after death. It’s an aspect of human life that so many of us are quite literally dying to figure out. Why fear something that is an inevitable fate of our existence? I share this in no way, shape, or form to take away from what you believe in but at least we are very sure of one thing: energy does not die. It simply transforms.

I appreciate you for tuning in. Tell or rather show the people you love, that you love them and support them before it’s too late. Our actions create ripples in which their effects have no logical end. Look for ways to be kind today and everyday. Starting with the person you see in mirror. Until next time, with love and light..

Marco ॐ