Everyone needs a Beach day

The sand was gritty scarping the bottoms of my feet as I trudge through it to get to my favorite spot on the beach to clear my mind. My mind so full of thoughts as I wondered " how did I get here"? Circumstances that led from a great life at one time to mulitple deaths all at once. My lover, passed suddenly, my soul mate, we had plans. We were traveling having a great time meeting goals then, poof it was all gone. A tragic accident took her suddenly, quietly and now it seems as if she was never here.I grew up in foster care, many homes, many people in and out of my life but there was one woman that became my one and only mother figure and stayed with me through out my life. She was taken by the virus that stormed through the world like a military army with only one goal " death take as many".

Reaching my favorite spot and needing this beach day for so long. I strectched out my blanket, my handy beach umbrella , my thermos of my favorite cold coffee brew, I was ready. Hat, sunscreen, snacks, and of course my long time friend my little black notebook that held so many ideas and memories, secrets, my true friend, that I could tell everything to without judgement or criticisms, I needed it. I needed to pour my heart out and regroup. I had blocked out my friends , my writting ceased, my light was gone. I used to love people now I avoided everyone. My little place of solitude represented that. A quiet place away from everyone and everything. I was at a stand still , my assignments calling out to me, my bills needed attention. I decided to write everything down trying to prioitize. I could hear the voice of my loves wisdom and guidance. She was always so organized and kept us out of debt, resourcful, creative. I got through enough to have some sort of plan that I sketched out in my little black notebook. I stretched my legs and took a long walk.

Waves crashing, seagulls flying I walked a long way . My plan was simple reactivate my social life with my good friends who have tried to keep in touch and who graciously and gently tried to take care of me through this process. Next was to reorganize my finances which was really not all that bad, just neglected. We had always strived to live debt free, putting away for a rainy day always managing to give back either to those in need, or a community project, sometimes it was the sports program at the local high school. One of our hearts desires and goals which now I wasnt sure how I could ever meet, was to donate to a program for homeless teens, young adults that had lost their families either by death or out of the foster care program because of age, or because of issues that warranted them homeless, we were not to judge, but help. There was such a home in a little town in the Ozarks. We would go there often. It was an old town from the 1800's that had natural springs, mountain air and a home folk feel about it. Alot of resturants would allow these young people to work a few hours for a meal. It wasnt a busy town except in season and full time employment was hard to come by. She had such a heart for that place, and this I determined was a goal that I would fulfill, in her memory. I read through my journal at all the fun memories we shared. I can still hear her laughter echo over the waves. Feeling better, I started back to my little beach spot and cleaned up. Heading toward the house, my mind wondering and my heart hoping maybe just maybe it wouldnt feel so empty this time.The smell always hits me first , I love the way our house smells with Lavender and grapefruit her favorite candles everywhere, it was comforting, not lonely, not empty, but comforting. I called a few friends and we decided to meet at a local resturant, good friend's and good food can bring healing to the soul. I headed out as dusk approached and gave a beautiful hue over the ocean. I stopped to get gas and admire the view and decided to get something to drink. At the counter I thought what the heck and bought a pricey scratch off using her favorite number 33. Looking forward to dinner I slipped into my glove compartment and headed to the resturant. That night as I wrote in my journal of seeing my friends for the first time in months, the resturant buzzed in my memory of conversations, plates clanging, the smell of sweet basil, fresh baked bread and tomatoe sauce brewing. I filled the page with the happiness that filled my soul.

The next morning I woke up clear minded and weanced at the much needed cleaning and organization of my home. I knew my task. Gathering up the dry cleaning in one pile, change the sheets, cleaned the bathroom, threw a load of laundry in and tackle the dishes , the mounds of dishes were tackled. It is amazing at the sense of accomplishment you get from doing the dishes. Exhausted I thought about my favorite beach spot but decided to spend the next few days at home. I really needed to get to her stuff. I had put it off way to long and there were things she had always said would go to her sister and her neices. Jewlery and art work, clothes and the trunk. The dreaded trunk of trinkets and items from her chilhood and things she had collected. I needed to do this, I wanted to do this.

Taking a break I took the clothes to the dry cleaners and stopped for a coffee and drove home. Getting out I had remembered my scratch off and yeah- I took it in and found a coin and scratched," this is for you hon" I thought. Scratching and wiping the debris away it lead to nothing, not a winner, oh well I did think, "well maybe". It didnt matter , I sat by the trunk finishing up my coffee and slowly open it. Sweaters on top she kept of her grandmother's , a quilt her Aunt handcrafted, pictures of her loved ones. A picture of her smiling as a drogonfly landed on her finger. Her smile! This was hard, my heart pounded and the tears came, "Why I thought". A small heart shaped piece of wood with a saying from one of her favorite actors, ." Grief never goes away, it just changes shape", a moon necklace she promised to her sister, old trophies from high school. I organized as I went , the last thing was a beloved wooden box hand carved with a small dragon fly and flowers on it. Inside was a letter she had written a few months before she tragically died. Her undying love for me, her desire for me to always be happy and live life to its fullest and to remember to give back. Did she know, How did she know? Through my hot tears and my heaving soul I opened the last thing in the box. She was always a planner, always a giver, always a light to whomever she met. It was then I realized that I could fullfil her dream , our dream to give back to those young adults that she hurt for. I was so amazed at the relization of her zeal for financial independence, her tenacity in resourcefulness, her creative ways she was always saving or making money with her artwork, her writting, her jewlery and here was her way for me to fullfil her desire to give to that community project . In that envelope held our raining day savings I had forgotten about and it amounted to $20,000 dollars. A rainy day savings that will help feed , cloth, educate and love those lost youth. To you my love, thank you for showing me even in your death -you still give.