Even a fool appears wise when he keeps his mouth shut

We’ve all had moments when we regret the words that escape our lips, sometimes instantly and other times at a later date as they come back to bite us days, weeks or even years later.

In today’s climate of viral success I should add that keeping your trap shut also applies to stopping your wandering fingers from doing the talking, and avoiding making things worse with hasty Twitter and Facebook comments.

But keeping silent or saying less is nothing new and even our ancient texts advise it. From Mohammed Ali, Frances Bacon to King Solomon (purportedly the wisest man who ever lived) they all agree there is value in silence, although one of my favorites is from King Solomon - ‘The more words, the less the meaning.’

Some believe King Solomon to be a myth, and that’s ok, because my goal is not to prove or disprove ancient figures, but to help us appreciate and hopefully apply the words of the wise that have withstood the test of time.

But if ancient texts don’t interest you, take my dad’s advice because it just so happens that he’s usually right and he says something similar:

‘If you’ve got nothing nice to say, keep your trap shut.’

I wish I’d paid it more attention in my younger days, especially at school, which I’ll get to in a bit. But if you’ve never opened a bible, pondered the words of Confucius or know nothing of philosophy or great thinkers, then you’re just like me, well, at least the sort of me I was for the first 40 years of my life.

Even our childhood rhymes talk about words and their power or supposed lack of, and I’m sure you’ve all heard the following rhyme:

Sticks and stones

May break my bones

But words will never hurt me

The thing is, as a kid I wanted this to be true, but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized how utterly inaccurate this rhyme is. Words may sting like a mosquito that we brush off or wound us deeply to our very core and last a lifetime.

I can recall every fight I had in school. I remember blood pouring from my broken nose when the class bully - whose dad was a boxing coach - decided to rearrange my face one day in my first month at high school.

I got over it in a few weeks time, and eventually over the course of the year we let it go and were able to (if not be best friends) get along. The scars disappeared.

It’s surprising how quickly you get over the physical stuff that happens to you, but what hurt the most, and took years to work out, were the words uttered on my first day, all because of my ‘homogrips.’

It turns out the tufts of hair hanging in front of my ears were handles that men used to hold onto as they took me from behind. As a result my name for the first two years of high school was ‘homogrips’ or ‘gripper’ for short.

It would have been tough enough if I was gay, but it’s pretty much the worst insult to give a 13 year old kid on his first day, especially in an all-boys’ high school.

The name stuck, but the venom with which people used it varied. I would happily take another caning, punch up (with broken nose included) if it meant I didn’t have to put up with those words for two miserable years.

Words have power, to wound or heal, and so often less really is more, although I discovered this when I wrote my first book.

When I wrote my first book, I had no writing experience at all. I’d pieced together a collection of vignettes based on a lifetime of work as a nurse, but in my naivety thought it would be only a matter of time before I’d find a publisher and begin selling millions of books and becoming rich.

By the time my first editor was finished with it, my 400-page book had been cut down to 100 pages. It took me 6 months to motivate myself to write again.

In the case of my writing skills, the harsh words were couched with good advice and made me a better writer – and here I am at your mercy putting my words to the test.

All throughout history people have been moved by words, by powerful speeches, for good or ill, from Lincoln’s Gettysburg address, Churchill’s ‘Fighting on the beaches’ to Martin Luther King’s ‘I have a dream’.

Such words move people and wielded the right way, can touch the heart of a nation, or harden it. Great speakers can turn words into weapons, or swords into plowshares.

When words are cradled in poem or song, they come alive. Rarely do I see a teenager walking down the street who doesn’t have something plugged into his or her ears as the lyrics are embedded into their minds to the beat of a drum.

This is nothing new and Andrew Fletcher, a seventh century Scottish writer and political activist famously wrote:

‘Give me the songs of a nation, and I care not who makes its laws.’

In more recent history, most of us have heard the story behind Eric Clapton’s ‘Tears in heaven’ as he asks if his four-year-old son, who died in a tragic accident, would know him in heaven. I suspect some of us have cried at these words, especially if we’ve experienced loss.

I don’t think there’s a person on the planet who hasn’t been hurt or healed by words. We sometimes pause and appreciate the power in them, but we rarely give thought to the power in silence, and the art of keeping your words to a minimum.

The power of silence aka keeping your trap shut

There’s a reason everyone loves a dog – a dog wags his tail, not his tongue.

I wish I could take credit for that line, but it was a pastor I heard somewhere back in New Zealand and I suspect he doubled as a farmer. But he’s far from the first person to speak about the value of keeping your trap shut, and I’ve heard plenty more great lines over the years.

One verse that resonates with me:

‘Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise.’

I’ve made a fool of myself far too often and wish I’d heard this verse decades ago, but then there is the chance I wasn’t ready to hear it yet.

I first heard that line well before the invention of the Internet, let alone Google, and thought the person who said it very wise indeed. But now, thanks to Google, you can insert such passages and find out that many of them go back thousands of years. You’ll find the above verse mentioned in the Bible in the appropriately titled chapter called Proverbs.

It’s an interesting exercise to Google ‘Passages about keeping your trap shut.’ Here’s a couple more that Google came up with:

Proverbs 29:20

Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.

That’s a pretty harsh statement, but I wonder how many of you have ever been angry with someone, maybe a friend or your place of work, perhaps your boss, and in your anger, you’ve penned a scathing email.

What you say in that email may be 100% accurate, but your friend or colleague tells you to sleep on it, or at least wait a little before pressing send.

I’ve made this mistake and learned the hard way to pause, sleep on it if possible, and then write something much calmer the following day.

Another favorite is Proverbs 17:27

The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered.

I’m not going to pretend I’m full of knowledge or wise with what I do know. I also fall short of this standard because whenever I learn something new or gain a thoughtful insight, I find myself unable to restrain myself and end up blurting it out to anyone that will listen.

I feel that most of it is due to excitement – I cannot not, share good news or insight, but I have to admit there is a tiny bit of me that does like the idea of coming across as wise and all knowing.

I have made progress, and if you make the effort to discover the wisdom in those who have gone before, it will humble you, and probably make life a little easier. Now I keep things to myself, give greater thought before opening my mouth, and am more selective in whom I share my thoughts with.

Not everyone wants to hear your thoughts, not everyone will interpret them that same was as you and some will use them against you.

“Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces”Matt 7:6

This tidbit is something you should keep to yourself – you’re not supposed to tell it to people you’re debating or arguing with. People get angry and accuse you of calling them pigs. But knowing when a discussion or debate can be fruitful or a waste of effort makes life a bit easier.

I’m sure many of you have been drawn into a discussion online and despite providing facts, figures and arguments (no matter how rational) all you get in return is dishonesty, deception, mockery and even threats.

In doing so I’ve become less fiery (most of the time) and more even-tempered, although that is an ongoing process as I do love a good debate, but knowing when people are ready to listen is a great skill.

To help hone this skill I try to do the following when getting into a serious discussion:

I ask myself what I hope to get out of this? Am I in it to understand, to be understood or both? This isn’t about right or wrong, but if you go into a conversation with a clear understanding of what you want, it helps avoid misunderstanding. Make sure you know what motivates you. Are you in to coerce, connect, understand or discover?

Since I’ve been practicing this I’ve found that I spend much less time in pointless arguments in person and especially online, and when I do get into a debate I don’t have to have the last word and I don’t have to win. If the goal is to learn – you’ll win every time, even if all you learn is the other person is not ready, worth the effort or even a fool. I’ve become more comfortable with silence.

Are you ready to hear words of wisdom about the value of silence that have passed down through the ages from cultures all over the world?

Lao Tzu described silence as a source of great strength, while Confucius sees silence as a true friend that never betrays. Muhammed Ali reckons silence is golden when you can’t think of a good answer, while Cicero describes it as one of the great arts of conversation.

If great people from vastly different backgrounds, spread throughout history can agree on this one thing, then perhaps we should not only pay attention, but at least consider applying such wisdom to our lives.

But it’s easy to keep quiet when things are going well, or events don’t affect you. It’s a different story keeping quiet when you’re provoked, but often this is the best time to keep your trap shut.

The other day at work the music teacher ranted at me because I’d scheduled an appointment for a student to see the doctor at the same time the student was supposed to have his piano lesson.

This is not the first time conflicts like this have happened, and in the past I have responded terribly. In previous conflicts if I was shouted at, I’d usually end up shouting back, and if cursed, curse back, and end up making things a hundred times worse.

This time I said ‘sorry’ even though I wanted to wring his neck and said I’d look into it, all the while knowing there was nothing I could have changed. Such a soft response caught him off guard and he defused. I later sent him an email explaining why we couldn’t avoid the conflict, and he ended up sending an apology.

Perhaps you would have handled it differently, or think me soft, or wrong to back down, but it takes greater courage to say sorry when every bit of you wants to shout back, especially when you’re not the one in the wrong. Although it’s been said that a gentle answer turns away wrath.

It takes practice and strength to respond in a gentler way. It’s commonly known as being humble. People think that humility is a sign of weakness but the opposite it true. Being humble has nothing to do with being weak – true humility is controlled strength.

Being humble is a choice, not a feeling, it’s choosing to behave a certain way.

Humbleness is a superb demonstration of skill and strength. Like a giant jumbo jet landing gently. Imagine if that jet had come down with a loud bang and a bump and rattle and bumped along – would that have shown strength or weakness? Obviously weakness. And that’s how some people are who think they’re strong – they shout, they raise their voice, they stamp their foot, they’re abusive – that’s not strength, that’s weakness.

How many times have you managed a gentle answer?

When someone curses you, do you curse back? It’s too easy to do, it’s almost instinctual. What about when you’re driving and someone cuts you off? Do you curse, flip them the finger, speed up and tailgate them? Or do you take a deep breath and let it out slowly as you try to diffuse the urge to lash out?

I dare to suggest that keeping your trap shut when you don’t want to, and when aggravated in such ways, is the better course of action, even though it’s the last thing you want to do. To make it easier I try to choose how I’m going to react in advance, rather than lash out.

If you want to be a super goody-two-shoes you could go one step further and try wishing well upon those who you’re irritated with. Most of us will struggle with this (including myself) and some might think me weak, pathetic and fake to to even suggest it, but stick with me because it will make sense very soon because the rules that I have discovered not only work but will help you take control of your life by choosing to behave in a better, responsible way.