Enough is Enough

If you have ever felt like an outsider or misfit to your own body, then this story is for you. I can imagine that feeling for most of my life, your life too, but I don’t know your history. That’s why I’m here to share my narrative of confinement, pain, and restoration. A tale that is just a speck of light, but in hindsight has the scope to heal thousands. Even if a handful of readers took the time to listen and understand my struggle to accept myself, then it would all be worth it. At the young age of 9, I thought I was abnormal, accidental, and unworthy. For most of my childhood, I thought my appearance was what made me tense and disturbed. That was never the case, it was the suddenly audacious remarks that others thought were okay to say. The frequently dehumanizing names and belittling tones are what pushed my confidence down my throat. Of course, my actions made it worse by accepting these odd comments and “compliments”. The shrinking of my authenticity is what eventually killed my spirit. Nevertheless, here I am with the passion of life lit under my eyes. Together with a voice, your ears, and self-belief...I can change your perspective for good.

First off, the way we speak, perform, and are, does not deserve stricture. Without a doubt, it was not my body hair, brown complexion, or small figure that threw me off course. Obviously, it was not my flexibility, sensitivity, and boldness that got in the way. The things I can’t control are simply the things I can’t control. There is actual meaning to why I was born this way, but that insight came with a different path. The way of my life in which I allowed public humiliation is what taught me shame. The rejecting and gaslighting nature of my families long history of abuse is what taught me guilt. The worst part was my desperate hunger for love in relationships with family and peers where conditions always kept me out of reach. They would call me monkey, Indian, black, fake, flat, stick, and even a slut. I was told that at least I was cute, at least I was skinny, and at least I didn’t look like her. I was instructed to wear my hair down, to shave my body, to put chemicals on my skin. Sometimes I was so shocked that my instinct was to nervously laugh. Other times, I was so used to the micro-aggressions that I rolled my eyes and stayed quiet. I knew something wasn’t right because of the constant emotional mistreatment. Yet, I wasn’t aware of the abuse that wasn’t physical, nor did I empathize with my experience. I didn’t know that I was giving everyone power over me. So naturally, I blamed who I thought was defective, ugly, and worthless...myself.

My inner wisdom has led me to believe that accountability can always go both ways. I should never have let others take advantage of my differences and vulnerabilities. I should never have played a character because of my urge to please everyone. I did though, and that’s why I must take responsibility for my actions. Otherwise, I would never have changed into someone I grew to love. I would never have been shown grace and respect. I need gentleness and understanding to heal, because rehabilitation is not likely through deceit and force. Healing seems impossible without positive intention and effort. When you are open to reconciliation, you get to grow. You can release resentment, bitterness, and tension by forgiving wrongdoings. After all, you attract the energy you commit to, so healthily expressing your emotions is key to moving on. If you can’t find the integrity and strength to give mercy, then you won’t receive it. That universal truth is why I forgave the friends who disrespected and betrayed me. That is why I forgave my parents for rejecting and manipulating my feelings. That is why I forgave myself for taking on the characteristics of my own wounds. Now I know that it hurts people to lock up my desires and fears. Now it feels okay, to express my opinions and curiosities. I let go of shame and guilt for being who I am. I am at peace, and not only do I trust myself now, but I am confident in myself.

My true loving and grateful self was who I needed to know all along. No person ever did and ever will make me whole. No external advice that worked for others helped me exactly. I needed real rest, time, and space with the universe I found myself in. Of course, I want a community filled with empathy, empowerment, and unconditional love. I need that just as much as you do, but I didn’t connect with one until I connected with myself. As I said, we are magnets of the energy or vibrational frequencies we emit. So, if you think you need to live up to impractical standards, people in your life will too. If you believe that no one could ever understand you, then validation will vanish. If you say that you’re nothing, then your movement will reflect this false belief. It’s the law of attraction and your being is the most credible source of what you feel and need. So, beware of your thoughts, beliefs, and actions, because most of the time it didn’t come from you. We, as humans, are so much more powerful than we allow. We all have personal strengths and weaknesses that take exploration to discover. No matter where you’re at in this journey, your intent is impactful. Shouldn’t we try to cause improvement rather than destruction while we’re here?

Aren’t you exhausted of pretending to be okay with the way people are treated? Aren’t you burnt out from trying to prove to everyone that you’re someone you’re not? You don’t have to take personally what anyone could think or say about you. You don’t have to cry out about situations you put yourself in. You don’t have to wear a life that doesn’t fit. If you choose to do so, then you risk missing out on the fullness of life. Just know that it's okay to feel, heal, and make sense of things. If you never give yourself love, you’re never going to find it. You are never too much or too little with the right people. The loving, considerate, respectful, encouraging, and delightful people that we need. That is the kind of person I strive to be. That is the kind of person I want to be around. Whichever frequency you are currently at, nonetheless, you are lovable, teachable, and helpful. We’ve made it to the present and it’s up to you to decide...What step will you take next?