Embracing Change

I can't know what you, dear reader, believe. What I do know is what I believe. I subscribe to the notion that our souls come into the life we're in now with lessons to learn. We have those pot of gold goals that we pursue until we stop needing to pursue them or achieve them.

I've had many of these and each time I arrive at a place where the goal is no longer urgent it lightens my spiritual load. I (and I suspect many of us) burden ourselves, our souls, with the object(s) of our desires. Believing if I learn enough or hustle enough or believe enough it will arrive, and then it doesn't, and we (I) get discouraged.

Now, I genuinely believe what our soul wants is what the universe wants for us too, trouble is our ego has a nasty little habit of being a very passable knock off to our soul.

Here's what I mean.

For as long as I can remember I have fantasized about marriage. The wedding yes and everything marriage meant to me; commitment, union, security, love, home, stability, emotional safety, sex, joy, abundance. I have ebbed and flowed about what degree I wanted this, I took it off the table in my last relationship because he did not want that (even though I had such a fucking cute proposal idea, and yes, I would and most likely will be the one to propose should a relationship evolve to that level).

In the aftermath and now post break up glow up I'm facing some hard truths about the origins of these wants. Much of the desire is stemming from a longing to heal what has been broken in the past and to my Capricorn heart, that meant hustling for it. So I did. I read the books, articles, tips, advice columns (even the full on toxic crap factory articles). I applied what I learned to varying degrees of success. By far the most helpful has been recalibrating myself to seek and trust my inner knowing. I'm more able to identify when I'm spiritually stuck and out of alignment with the universe. I had such a moment a week ago, and a day before that, and several days before that. It was like I was a new driver with no familiarity with the break petal; starting and stopping somewhat harshly so I did some chakra clearing meditation, did a tarot spread, and in true fashion was handed a mirror.

A really fucking clean one that reflected back to me that my issue is not in knowledge; of self, others, or dating.

It is in holding. I (and probably most humans) want to hold hard onto what we like, love, want. This seems to apply to all areas from relationships, to jobs, to ages we felt most alive, anything and everything that provides a sense of stable security. External stability(or the fantasy of stability) is easier to obtain than inner stability. Trouble is the only thing I'll actually have consistently in this lifetime is my inner knowing. Stability is best found inside, not because love or romance or well paying jobs are bad to have, they're great, but because inner stability is infinitely harder to rock. It doesn't bend so easily to the fickle winds of humanness; it has lifetimes of stardust experience to rest on; softly, gently, calmly observing and holding all the answers we could ever need or want. It knows who we've been, who we'll be, what's best for our journey right now and doesn't fuss with societies pressures as anything more than a loud commercial we can just mute and ignore.

This has been coming to a head as I re-entered the dating world in an earnest, authentic, effort for intimacy. Being open to knowing another and being known by another, and, if I'm totally honest, maybe a side prize of an orgasm or two. Upon initial entry I had a mission. Long term committed relationship with possibility of marriage; not rushing, but clear in the vision (start with the end in mind amiright?) but then I started finding connections with people who weren't going to be that, but, who my inner knowing kept calmly explaining to me; yep, this is a connection you should pursue. Yep you're right, does not serve the end 'vision'. Nope that's not a pathological self-sabotaging act to connect with them. They're a cool person and this connection could serve and benefit you both. And for a hot second, I'd listen and be like cool. Totally get it. That's fine.

Then I'd legitimately self-sabotage being as kind and reassuring as I could that this is not and was not a them problem. Twas indeed a me problem, I did have that much right but it was not the one I thought. I thought investing time and energy into something that can't arrive at the (let's be honest, very romanticized) end goal of commitment was wasteful or harmful.

It's not.

In fact I've found more healing in a short time of dating new people, having emotional needs met with ease and without resentment and guilt, that I begged for in my last 6.5 year relationship and was not given. I'm finding connections that don't trigger each others attachment wounds, but feel healthy and stable in their own right. When these exchanges end it won't be with me crying in a hotel lobby in a semi-familiar city, freshly discarded, after having myself emotionally wrecked in a hail Mary pass to save someone who had no interest in saving themselves and hurled hateful abuse freely and widely at those who showed up for them in love, hypothetically speaking, definitely never happened...

I digress.

I can't know this based on fact due to lack of healthy experiences, but my inner knowing says these endings will be in some way I've never experienced; respectfully, honestly, and probably not easily. Left, but not lost in complicated gratitude; just, gratitude and appreciation, for what we shared while we shared it. Maybe there will be mild nostalgia, mild longing, but I doubt I'll be trying to recalibrate after complete and total destruction and desecration of self. I don't think healthy relationships destroy us, I think, perhaps, they run their course with us, changing us, but in the way water smooths a stone; gently, over time, not like the way a tantrum shatters a mirror; suddenly with risk of bloodshed.

That is my longwinded way of saying the problem wasn't the lack of end goal potential, it was missing what is right now. It was clutching to the fantasy of what could be that I was missing the breathtaking humanness of what is before me. What is meant for me and my greatest good. What we love and want most, it seems, we should hold with gingerly; less grip and more grace.

So I changed my perspective towards the dating world. I said to myself and the universe 'I trust you. I'll trust myself. What I most need and who I most need to meet I'll meet.' This does not, by the way, mean I've stopped seeing or listening to red flags, it means I check in with myself. Often. Take space to reflect on what I'm comfortable with and communicate my needs. Leave exchanges where those needs are ignored, insulted, and attend to myself always.

It's also meant that I've begun looking more closely if what I want is actually marriage or what I've clutched to as my idea of what marriage is. My inner knowing tells me what I've wanted is the idea over the reality. What I need is to be accepted and celebrated for who I am, my needs, my quirks, my all and I'm finding that from people who are, in many ways, still mostly strangers. I was in a committed relationship and not shown the level of understanding and support I've received for my most tender and battered emotional parts. Notably this also doesn't mean I'm trauma dumping on these new connections, just sharing information and needs as they're earned and become relevant. I'm not 100% sure but I'm fairly sure this is how healthy connections grow, over time, organically, with sense of safety and security before disclosure.

My approach now is to hold the desire for union tenderly and without agenda. Striving instead to listen and look for what I need, appreciating the beauty of what is. Appreciating the overwhelming intricacy and majesty of the journey, the moments of small shifts, imperceptible to the outside world, but felt within. An outsider can't see every change a cocooned caterpillar has but the caterpillar feels it. Why shouldn't every moment in transformation be as celebrated as the final outcome? Why should we begin with the end when what we sacrifice as a result is the right now and what is our life if not an ongoing stream of right nows? I don't want to miss my life because I was fixated on where I want to end. I wanted to live it in it's nows. Appreciating and celebrating every tiny, unnoticed, but deeply felt change along the path of transformation.