Doubting

She struggled with her fear of not knowing what he was really thinking. Her life felt like it was on hold and she couldn’t believe that he had this much control over her. Should she tell him how she really feel? Maybe she shouldn’t because what if he can’t handle the heaviness of her emotions? Her thoughts so dismantling, reoccurring insecurities playing over and over in her head. She asked herself “Should I, or should I not?” The voice in her head was saying something different than what was coming from her heart. How can this be so difficult when love is suppose to just flow?! Why is it that he can’t intuitively feel what she feels? Why does she hear the echo of words of hurt reoccurring in her mind? He is so cold and aloof and appears so confident. Yet she was a mess, trying to appear like she was well put together. The more she had doubts the more he pulled away. The more she expressed her thoughts clearly the more he hid in the shadows of her emotions. He was too comfortable in his safety zone. He felt safe and unaffected this way. This was taking a toll not only on her but on him. She just knew in order to get past it she had to address it. She now felt alone and the doubt before was quiet but now it raged. She was losing hope which caused her to lose sleep. She felt regret for it all, it wasn’t just her fault. Yet she was willing to sacrifice herself just to keep her relationship from coming to an end. She put her emotions on hold just to nurture his. She overlooked his shortcomings and the mistakes he made just to make him feel comfort. How can love coincide with doubt? How can love grow if it is rooted in fear? She didn’t have the answers and she didn’t want them. All she knew is that she was safe in the uncertainty because even though she could see him changing before her eyes she still had a piece of him. Even though he would only respond to her every now and then, she still had partial communication with him. Even though he didn’t call her baby anymore he still said her name. She was willing to sacrifice what she truly deserved to be his support on his terms. She was beginning to lose her character and she even forgot who she was. She became numb to her own feelings and prioritized his. He only noticed what he wanted and dismissed her feelings like they weren’t warranted. He let her know he didn’t see her the way he did before. He just simply didn’t care anymore. He knew her worth and he loved her so much before, it’s just her value was no longer what he valued and he didn’t want her anymore. How can one day you just wake up and all those memories of love you shared with someone just disappear. It was clear to him that she loved him but he wasn’t concerned with what she felt anymore. The hurt, the pain was excruciating. It was like no pain she ever felt. She thought the connection they shared was divine and sent from above. How then can she experience such unhappiness, such unworthiness. No more kisses on the forehead, no more finishing each other’s thoughts. The more she reached out the less he responded. She was so afraid of the unknown. She was so afraid to be alone. The doubt grew more and more and she held on to him not loving her because it’s better to still hold on to the illusion of him even though it was empty. She needs to let go but how can she let go of him when he’s already gone. The only place where this relationship still exists is in her heart. He is free and she is imprisioned. He is cold and she is hot. Her purpose is no longer welcomed and his purpose is warranted. She asked herself, “should I, or should I not?”