“Don’t you know I’m no good for you?”

What if your whole existence you ask the universe for true love and when you find it, you can’t recognize it, as you don’t know its face? You don’t recognize the gestures, the words, the closeness, the emotional connections and vibrations because it never felt like that before. Because by now you lost faith that any man can love you like you deserve to be loved. I wish we would be born with a built in kit in our hearts and brains on “how to spot the ones who truly love you”.

We were young and inexperienced and broke and broken... we had nothing but the same dreams, and resonated on many levels. He was really smart and driven and dedicated to his job...The type of good looking guy that every girl turned her head for. Friends with everyone, confident, approachable. I was begging my career and he loved how smart and beautiful I was. He was proud of me. We used to bounce of each other and challenge each other. Cook together, laugh and play together. Ours was a formidable but forbidden tale, and that, made it more exiting, at first. We had amazing moments together and insane passion and sex, we talked about everything and anything. He was giving me confidence, uplifted me and brought out the best in me. And the worst... he was insanely jealous. We would have horrendous fights and disagreements on my behaviour. And his... I didn’t get it. I thought he was jealous because he was broken or didn’t trust me or didn’t love me enough. I didn’t give him enough credit as to the kind of man he was and wanted to be. I didn’t have patience to let him grow. He asked me to leave everything behind and just let him make me his and love me and take care of me... I was too concerned about what my family and my baby son, and all the others would think of our relationship, of him, if he could be a good father to my son. But soon enough I was tired of hiding our relationship and our union. I didn’t trust him enough to be a good man for me. To do right by me. Joke’s on me. For not believing I deserved happiness. He would have been an amazing husband and father, I know this now.

He was jealous because I was young and smart and beautiful and he was scared he wasn’t good enough. He was jealous because he was happy, and I wasn’t. I was enough for him. Because he wanted all my time, time I spent with others who didn’t actually deserved or appreciate it. And I really loved him, really did to the point of breaking. My first grownup love... Why didn’t I just say that to him? That he was enough too? More than enough!! Why didn’t I fight the world, my fears, preconceptions? Instead I cheated... I tainted our love. Killed our dreams. I took the easy way out. Broke his heart. Broke us up. Broke me even more. He lost all trust in me. I lost trust in a future together. I got sick. Physically and emotionally... At the end we used to laugh and joke about his new girlfriend, that he said he didn’t connect with AT ALL because she was really stupid and shallow. He used to tell me how he would make sarcastic jokes and comments and she wouldn’t get it at all and we would really laugh at the whole thing. He said she was just an empty shell, a pretty secretary, nothing like me, just a good shag. We used to laugh together and agree she’s not for him and it won’t last.

They are happily married for 13 years now...