Betrayal is my middle name

I am a bad person.

I made some bad choices, which I am ashamed of. But I cannot change the past.

I betrayed one of my best friends in the worst way possible. I carry this burden with me since I was 19. I did not have the courage to say “I’m sorry” and take responsibility for my actions until I was 32.

Of all the ways I could have broken her heart, I chose to do it with her boyfriend that she cared for at the time, on her birthday. Yes, we were kids, yes, it was a long time ago, but I mean, who does that? As a woman, you can’t sink lower than that. And all this because of a stupid revenge, for something I cannot even remember. And it was all for just a night. I didn’t even like the guy. I don’t even remember his name…

She was kind and beautiful and had a clean and untainted soul. My friendship started with her older sister who was an even better friend to me for even longer. She cared about me and stood by me in my darkest hours without judging me or my broken life and family. We know each other since we were 7.

Went to the same school, were neighbours. Her company was my refuge from the big, bad world I lived in. They had a beautiful family, with parents who cared. In our teenage years when the age difference was no longer an issue her younger sister became an amazing friend to me as well. She was this type of girl, beautiful inside and out, that every girl dreamed about being, but couldn’t hate her or be jealous of her because of her genuine kindness and infectious laugh and personality. Not once she did me wrong. And Andreea, her older sister, was like the sister I never had, always being the better voice in my head when I was about to do something stupid. And I, like a snake in the grass, betrayed her…them. She stopped talking to me immediately after, so did Andreea, I moved away for university and we just lost touch. I saw her a couple of years after at the train station, in our hometown, on my way visiting my parents, but did not have the courage to approach her and apologise.

I have missed their friendship every day since then. Missed sharing all the gossip, all my big and small news, missed Andreea’s support through the rough and her company through the best moments. Andreea was my female soul mate, we thought alike, we liked the same things, had a taste for the same dark humor and sarcasm, even finished each other’s sentences. I know, I know, it sounds corny. But I was never since been able to relate to anyone in the same way. I never made another best friend. Never really trusted anyone like that. Somehow I would always find faults in everyone who tried to befriend me and at the back of my mind always compared them with her and her little sister. It is rare to find someone who you can trust with your darkest secrets and thoughts without being judged, and I had 2 of them. Lost them both in one go.

When I approached her on social media a few years back to try to reconnect, she was the same sweet, kind girl I once knew, only a full grown woman with a beautiful life and other friends that loved and appreciated her. She is a teacher… what else. She writes beautiful poetry and takes amazing travel photos.

I deeply apologized and asked for her forgiveness and in the same sweet manner she pretended she forgot and it was no big deal. We both promised to make time to go out for a coffee to catch up, but never actually did.

She moved on, I moved country and all we do now is comment nice things to each other’s photos on social media. She is living our teenage dream of actually traveling the world. She is happily married to a man who idolizes her. I still can’t be jealous of her; I have only admiration in my heart. Andreea lives in Spain and we do occasionally talk. She as well is the same incredible human being she always was, beautiful inside and out, and of course she also pretends she forgot why we argued and lost touch. I now want to ask her for help and advice on fulfilling my long life dream of moving to live in Barcelona, by the beach. I am honestly hoping, for the sake of my tormented soul, I am able to somehow reconnect with her like we once did and repay in kind the kindness I’m being shown.

I feel that the older we get we no longer what gifts for birthdays we want time with the people we love and resonate with. Maybe one day we get to have that coffee, all 3 of us together like we once always said we will.