Don't Lie About Your Heartbreak To Me

No one is going to tell you how to get over your breakup.

Sure, they're going to pile on the unsolicited advice. And if you have Twitter or go onto Reddit or spend any time here, someone has a surefire way of getting over your breakup.

Yep. Everyone has the answer.

So I get it when you don't want to talk about how you're feeling. You're opening your mouth to the judgement, advice and pity consoling.

Well, you're not going to get any pity from me. I promise. But the plan of eternally keeping your mouth shut, never speaking about your heartbreak, or even lying about your feelings, isn't helping.

It doesn't help you get over things. And it doesn't help the relationship between you and me.

Stop telling me you don't think about your break up

This was a few years ago, but a friend of mine, almost a best friend, went through a tough and public breakup. 

Everyone knew about it. 

That's what happens when two friendship groups start interdating with each other.

She and I would catch up for lunch, a movie, shopping, you name it. Every time we would catch up, I would ask her if the breakup was still on her mind. Not always in those exact words by the way. How I said it or the frequency of when I said it is irrelevant.

She always said she didn't think about it. 

And then we would go to a bar or club or open a bottle of wine. And she would tell anyone willing how much the breakup plagued her thought process. It was day and night lying. 

Literally.

I get why someone like my friend would tell lies.

It's a tale of perception. We don't want anyone to think we're pining over a lover who has dumped us. 

Or, especially, when we were the ones who did the dumping. It's like we're admitting to not having our emotions under control. 

And when that's the case, we assume people are going to treat us in a way that belittles us. Pities us. Or both.

Here's what it is from everyone else's side, though. Everyone knows you're thinking about it.

Anyone who has been through a breakup, experienced any heartbreak or has any emotional intelligence, knows it's a process.

They know:

• You think about when you least suspect it. You stew over it when it's quiet. You relive parts of it when you wish you wouldn't.
• And, most of all, you're only being human to think about it. They don't judge you. They get it.

Stop telling me you don't care about it

Saying you don't care about the breakup or moving on is very easy to do. When I broke up with my first boyfriend, I told everyone I didn't care. I could care less about:

• What he's doing now
• How I was single all of a sudden when I didn't want to be
• If I would ever be happy again
• Whether what happened was fair or not

When asked point blank, I lied and said none of these earth-shattering issues mattered to me. And of course, they all did. Not to mention all the things on the list I left out.

Saying you don't care gets people off your back. 

People will be all in your business, coddling you in certain circumstances, when you need the opposite.

You're telling the world you don't anyone's affection or attention. You're good.

It's a bit of a superhero move. You're so strong, you save people. Not the other way around.

The problem you have with lying about this to the people in your life is how they take this verbatim.

If they genuinely think you don't care, and your actions suggest that, they stop caring about your break up.

This doesn't help when you find yourself in dire need of support when you realise you can't keep pretending not to care. The people in your life won't know what has happened.

You've said one thing and done another. It's very confusing. And then we're the bad friends who didn't see it earlier.

Stop pretending you're moving on when you're not

One of my best guy friends, way back at university, broke up with his boyfriend at the end of exams. Stressful times. 

And with an already breaking relationship, the stress broke it for good. They were living together, too, which caused a fire and brimstone separation.

A week after they parted ways, my friend begged me to set him up with a guy I worked with. After the first date was spent drinking and crying over his ex, my friend at university still maintained he was ready to keep dating.

And the guy I worked with didn't speak to me again for six months.

There are no rules about moving on. Nor does anyone truly care when you do. They think they do. Some people get all invested in your life and pretend as if you're dating habits make a difference in their life.

Those people are just bored. 

Don't do any fake moving on to appease them.

Selfishly, I wouldn't want a repeat of this situation to happen to me, as a friend, ever again. 

Friends will always set you up on dates if you ask them. I felt like I was doing the right thing for everybody. But it was enough to sour the entire experience of playing matchmaker. 

I felt hurt. 

I felt heartbroken. 

I felt like my friend used my trust and then kept lying about it.

For what reason? I don't know. But our friendships won't survive if we can't trust what each other says.

Own what has happened to you, for the sake of you…

The heartache you're going through isn't about anyone else but you. This is a sentiment you might need to repeat over and again, especially in the wake of this advice being about us. 

But hear me out.

You have everything to gain by sharing the pain you're experiencing with the people who care enough to ask. 

There are times in my life when things have been at their very lowest when I would have given everything to have someone genuinely care about my well-being.

Their caring about you and the shoulder they're offering to you is rare. It doesn't come around often. 

Take it and embrace what you can learn from sharing your pain.

Of course, there will be people in your life who don't care. Or people who give you hell for your heartache. They are people you shouldn't have around, anyway. If lying keeps them from torturing you more, then do it.

But for your sake, don't put everyone in the same box. There are some good ones out there. 

Learn how to spot them and lean on them.

…And for our friendship

You don't have to tell me anything about your breakup. You really don't. No one has to know anything if you don't want them to.

But much as your breakup is all yours to go through, it's naive to think what you're going through doesn't affect our relationship.

And that it doesn't make things hard for our relationship to improve. When you're visibly hurting, and going through pain, I can see it. I'm not an idiot. I'm asking how you are because the heartache is written across your face.

There's no point in lying. I see through it.

And lying is problematic, too. It makes the whole trust concept needed for relationships to survive impossible.

Don't make the heartache worse by losing a friend over it, too.

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