Does anyone have it figured out?

I'm 33, I'm 33, I'm 33 and I thought by this age I would have this thing called life completely figured out. When I saw this challenge I automatically felt triggered because the truth is there are still days that I feel like a misfit, a fish out of water. It’s funny how a simple question can force you to reflect in ways that you were able to avoid before. Some days I visualize myself broadcasting the details of my life from an old radio system that's barely reaching any audience. Sending out a SOS hoping for a response from someone that reflects me. Some days I feel so out of place it hurts to watch the movies where the odd kids find each other and discover love. I find myself watching the credits thinking "God must have forgotten to create someone for me."

I did everything by the book that was supposed to transform me into a social butterfly. I left my hometown, went to college, joined organizations and became a residential assistant. I made sure to attend all the popular events on campus and to mingle with the cool kids. This was supposed to be my time of finding validation and acceptance yet I made no real connections. I spent many nights trying to avoid being alone during those college years. Nights that sometimes ended with me relentlessly scrolling social media and stuffing my face with sugar filled snacks to numb the loneliness.

And social media can either be a tool or a weapon when it comes to “fitting in.” Everyone online is selling the perception of their life they want you to believe and even though you know it's not all real...you can't help but to wonder “is there something wrong with me?’ I mean yeah we get it Cassie you have the perfect career, family and body but can you eat half a dozen fudge brownies in one night? Didn’t think you could so just get over yourself.

I later would enter into a stagnant relationship for years trying to create a place I could finally call home. Ignoring any signs that indicated the relationship was unhealthy. There were plenty of nights that I meticulously went over this relationship trying to figure out the formula for acceptance. This relationship fed into my belief that I was a misfit and fueled me to prove this theory wrong by staying. Spending most of my time and energy trying to change my partner into what I needed. Then blaming my inadequacies for the reason he wouldn't change. This became the cycle I was stuck in for six years until I realized that you shouldn't always feel like a visitor in your home. The end of this relationship brought me to the awakening that validation and acceptance had to first come from me.

Life is about choices and the first person you have to choose is yourself. I know binge watching Netflix until you disintegrate into the couch sounds like a great idea but trust me it’s not. You have to actively choose yourself and then pursue the person you want to become. As I’ve gotten older, I began to understand that life can emotionally donkey-kong kick you in the chest by people who you feel are simply tolerating your presence; and at some point you may begin just to tolerate yourself. But instead you have to sit down with your thoughts and figure out who you are and what you want and the road to acceptance will unfold. I however do remain open and hope that one day friendships and relationships will develop but that no longer is my main focus. I mean, I still have a lot of life to live for god sake I’m only 33.