Different is The New Awkward

Breathe. That’s all you have to do right? Just breathe and keep moving. I’m not quite sure how effective that has been in my life because I was never one to do things the simple way.

I’ve always been the misfit of most of my friends groups. Within my family even. It didn’t bother me as much until I got older and started paying attention to things happening around me.

“She’s bound to be a young prodigy when she gets older”, “She’s so smart, I can see her getting into all the colleges she wants”, “She’s so sweet and pretty, I can see her getting married. Who wouldn’t want to marry her?”. I constantly hear their voices in the back of my head. Every day of my young adult life, when I look at myself in the mirror and see that I didn’t live up to their standards. Was that who I was supposed to be? Where did I go wrong?

Those false assumptions were also false hopes…

I grew up thinking that maybe being pretty and all the adults noticing my hard work, creative work was enough to get me by. Enough for me to make it into the big bad world. But it wasn’t. It just made me feel out of place. The things I liked doing continued to grow with me,but it wasn’t what they expected. It wasn’t what they had in mind. It wasn’t what they wanted me to do. And it was almost like they started to shun me. They started looking at me differently.

But going through middle school with new people that I didn’t know and starting my life as a teen, I got to experience new things. I was taught more and I learned more. I started seeing things differently. Through my own eyes and not theirs. I thought “Maybe this is the time to show my talents, and make lots of new friends”, but it wasn’t quite that easy. I think that’s when life got awkward and I felt like I didn’t fit in anymore.

The pretty, black girl who was obsessed with art and smart in almost all subjects was interested in anime? She liked boy bands like One Direction and rock music that screamed too? Why does she dress like that? That’s a bit too expressive…

As a kid you may not notice. How judgmental people are...How judgemental adults are...How judgemental kids, that you thought were just like you, are.

The more people picked out the things that made me me, the more I felt out of place.

Whenever one of my friends would invite me out with their other friends I thought it would be cool. Like, “Hey my best friends like them so maybe they will like me too. We are kind of alike”. But that was never the case. I was always a little too weird for them. I didn’t exactly like all the things they did. There were things that my friends liked that they also liked, that I didn’t even know about. I felt too out of place. I never hung out with them again. But I got to learn new things, and pick up new obsessions too.

They’d crack inside jokes about things and I’d have to smile and do a small laugh to not feel, LOOK weird around them. I just felt too out of place. Although that was pretty awkward, you know hanging with kids who’ve known each other since elementary school, nothing was more awkward than high school years. Going to school back in my hometown.

I guess it honestly started my ninth grade year. I was homeschooled, so I wasn’t around kids. Just me, myself , and my many One Direction posters. They honestly felt like my only friends at the time. And I recently just got a new phone, so I didn’t have the numbers of my friends that I grew up with or even from middle school. That was a time of my life that I got to explore myself a little more, without being judged or so I thought.

I was never into most things my family liked, and as expressive as I was I wasn’t quite as expressive as the rest of my family. Mostly because I didn’t and still don’t like the sound of judgement that comes from people when I happily express all the things I’m interested in. So while they are laughing about something they all did the other day without me, I’m just sitting in the corner quietly and quite awkwardly drawing something. I mean they did complement me one my talents. I have many if I may say so myself. But I could never talk to anyone about them because no one else was interested, so I always just kept to myself.

I never knew what to do or how to carry myself less “awkwardly”. What would take me out of my socially awkward bubble and help me meet more people who are like myself. Do I change my hobbies or do I try to convince them that mine are super cool and they should try!?

By tenth grade I had my first nose piercing (with the okay of my parents of course), and I got my hair dyed red for the first time. I was back in public school by then and to say I turned heads was an understatement but that wasn’t enough. I mean, I clicked well with elementary friends again. Which was great! But there were still things they liked and inside jokes they had that didn’t include me, and I had no clue about. So it was still pretty weird, and some situations were still awkward for me.

However, I am thankful for the love they still showed me. And as time went on I realized that one of my best friends then was more like me than I thought! She was the reason I kept drawing. Because it was something she loved doing too. She loved the movies and shows that I loved. The ones other people thought were weird. And she even introduced me to one of my favorite rock bands! She was what some people would call the social outcast, but she stood her ground and expressed herself however she saw fit. She was amazing and she is part of the reason I have a few less awkward moments in my life.

She made me feel like it was okay to be different and to find the people that love my differences and that’s what I did. Honestly, it is still a struggle because as I grew as a person my likes and dislikes changed. I mean there aren't many 22 years that I know who believe in spirits, loves anime, listens to rock music, and started their own business. So trust me when I say I still run into some awkward encounters. I’m a whole awkward encounter myself. I laugh about it everyday.

I mean if we are being honest if someone were to ask me today, “How do you get out of awkward situations?” or “How can I be less awkward?” I’d say; dont. Embrace it, and when you find yourself in an awkward situation, turn it around in your favor. I feel like situations become awkward when we question our placements and ourselves as a person. “What would they think of me if I said…”. “What do I do? These aren’t my friends…” But they could be. When things get awkward, stand in your power and use the things that make you different, that make you who you are to your advantage. Different is the new awkward. Make things work for you and do it with a smile. Most social situations just need a... you!