Diary of a Tired Christian

One of my favorite biblical characters has always been David, previously it's been because he was so fully himself in how he worshipped with God. Whether it was praising naked in the streets or refusing kingly battle gear to fight a giant in his tunic with a sling shot. But recently as I read the accounts of David , there is another aspect of his personality that I am noticing more, David leaned in to God. He trusted God the way that he did because of it. He listened for God and moved when God told him to, even when it didn't make sense to anyone else. A young boy who isn't even strong enough to feel confident moving in a warrior's heavy armor is going to fight AND kill a giant, does that make sense, not at all. If I was his mother would I have backed his plan or felt hesitant, more than likely the later. But David, David didn't hesitate, at all. He charged straight to Saul to declare he was ready. And in spite of everyone else already preparing for his defeat because of the odds, David did the impossible and killed a giant.

I'd like to say that I have that same blind faith of David, but I don't, not anymore. If I'm honest, although I've seen God do some impossible things for me, I've fought giants and although not as smoothly as David, I've defeated them too with God's help. Yet, somehow in my humanity, I find myself weary from battle these days. At 40, it has been a life of battles and what was once a warrior spirit I carried, is now a spirit that longs to spend some time in the peace in between. There is a meme that has been circulating since 2020 that says, "me after realizing that I've been added to God's 'strongest soldier' list again" and shows a person having what appears to be a mental breakdown. I have to say that I resonate deeply with that meme, especially with everything that has transpired since 2020, God I(we) are tired.

But maybe that is the point, you develop that blind faith once you are so tired that you are dragging yourself into battle with it being all too clear to everyone watching that you only endured and survived thanks to God. We hear David's highlight reel of victories mostly in Church sermons, however, most of the Psalms are literally songs of deep sorrow and weariness of a tired soldier. These are the songs that we read for strength because we can relate to the deep weariness of David's spirit while he trudged through battle after battle. Trusting that God would see him through it, but yet in still, heavy in heart at times. The familiar mix of gratitude for what you pray God will do and anxiety of having to go through it all.

When I read the Psalms, I picture David in different stages. I picture him in dark caves, taking a moment away from his men, crying out to God, bearing his heart and being vulnerable in the fullness of his emotions. I picture him singing songs of victory before battles in the same way that we wake up and do affirmations to prepare for the day ahead. Manifesting on how God had brought him through struggles in the past and trusting that God would continue to do so. And like many of us today, using music to literally shake the weariness and heavy emotions off of himself.

Yet I recognize, even all of the above, the pouring out of his heart to God and the singing, was David still leaning in to God. Still being so much of himself and bringing all of that to God to use. "In you, Lord my God, I put my trust." (Psalm 25:1) David continually leaned in and trusted God. Not only that God would bring him through his battles victoriously, but that God would also be there in the moments of his deep weariness. That God would love him through those moments in ways that allowed him to intimately share what was on his heart, which from what we read ranged from hatred to gratitude. David trusted that he could be vulnerable with God.

I don't know about you, but the ability to communicate in relationship with another, whether it is a partner or friend, as my most vulnerable and authentic self, is a place of deep intimacy and safety for me. It is a deep feeling of unconditional love. It is a healing conversation that happens when you release those raw emotions off of your heart and onto their ears. Taking note of how David leaned in to do so with God reminds me to do the same. God is not just here for our good days. He is not the coworker or friend that asks about your day, and you placate with the disingenuous "Fine". He wants us to get these heavy things up off of heart so that we can go into battle with a lighter spirit. So that He can position us and when He says, "Go here" or "Go there", we can do so quickly and without delay. We are carrying heavy armor that God didn't ask us to put on. Armor that we don't need, because God is our armor. So, I lean in to tell God that I am weary and in great detail(as David did), so that I can be refreshed. So that my blind faith can be restored, so that my relationship with God can be strengthened and restored. I lean in and trust God to use even my weariness in this season. I lean in and trust God.