Diary of a Tired Christian

God, I'm angry. I have been going back and forth on what to write for the last few months. So much has happened and so far, I have had many thoughts come, but they have been drowned out by that one thought, I'm angry. I'm not angry at God, but I have questions... so many questions. So many whys, why us, why this, why them, why me? And I feel during this time my anger is valid, it would be almost inhumane for the things happening in the world not to have me feeling anger. Right? I read once that anger is just a manifestation of deep hurt, a manifestation of grief. And well, the system is dying, but it's not going without a fight and it wants to kill as many of us with it... so in a way, I guess grief is an appropriate emotion too, I am at a funeral. And as a believer I go back and forth with "death is inevitable, it's coming for as all", "at least they're in a better place now" and "God, why have you forsaken me".

That last phrase was spoken by Jesus himself, witnessing His own death, present for His own funeral, knowing that it held great purpose, yet still being overcome by grief and I assume in that moment anger. So, I feel in good company at times for my anger, it is justified. But even as I wrote that I heard, "but for a moment, Jesus did not wallow in his anger and grief"...and I hear you God, I hear you. I still feel "buts" following my "I hear you", being in this world and following God is confusing and is certainly confusing at times while being in this world and black. And queer. It is a fine line to balance being in this world, but not of it when it sure feels like everything here so tangibly affects you. Coincidentally many pastors that I follow, including my own, have been sharing messages centering on Job and how he handled what was an astronomical loss and bad fortune. And even in reading and hearing of Job's struggles I do not find the intended comfort, but more anger. More questions.

I wonder why God let Satan test Job to that degree. Why did God let him suffer. Why He was quiet during the suffering and why when He did respond it was not with what we would think of as comforting words. It was more of who are you to question me? The audacity of Job to question God! The audacity of us to question God...the audacity of me right now admitting that I have myself questioned God as we go through this current storm collectively, all while still dealing with our own personalized storms. It has been overwhelming and confusing trying to make sense of it all. Yet, the audacity of me to even think that I who can only see in 3d, who can only see the now and the before, could make sense of how this all plays into what is to come.

So, am I angry not just from grief, am I also angry that God has refused to share the foresight of why this all makes sense? Like a child having a tantrum? Back in January I attended my first queer christian conference with Q Christian Fellowship. While they have been having this conference for 23 years, I somehow only heard about it last year. And I'm happy I did because I was able to learn the term "Deconstructed Christian", which is a Christian who is actively reexamining and question their beliefs. It is evolving in your understanding of God by shedding things you may have learned from your parents or church about who God traditionally is and by proxy who you are then in relation as a christian. I have been actively doing that for years now and it came with a lot of shame, because again the audacity of me to challenge what was the standard blueprint of God. But taking time to question my beliefs in who God is has been helpful, it helps me to also question my assumptions of how I think God should behave and act. I can reflect on the fact that maybe a part of my anger with God is because I have given Him the role of Father and applied to Him stereotypical attributes of an "ideal" father figure. Yet, the things happening in the world right now collectively and the things happening in my personal world are challenging that ideal image.

I have to acknowledge that while God has historically provided for me, I don't always understand God's thought process. God isn't a being that one could probably even have the capacity to understand in the short duration of our lives. As much as I try, as much as I yell out and question God, if He did suddenly appear and tell me it all, I probably still would not fully understand. I'd still be angry and confused in my lack of understanding. So, I've been acknowledging all of my emotions, the anger and the grief, letting them cause me to question, challenge and grow in my relationship with God. I will never understand the why's of why God allows what He does, so instead I'll just focus on that everything has always worked for my good. However it happens, in the end it's always good. So, for now I am angry momentarily, but in a little while I will look back and see the joy in it all. And what didn't make sense, will suddenly look like perfectly placed puzzle pieces. And maybe this is what is meant by "peace beyond understanding", I always thought that meant that others would not understand how we had peace...but maybe it really is that the peace would also be beyond our own understanding as well. Well from one tired Christian to another, may peace be with us all.