Dear___,

Dear _____,

"You have been through a lot." What a common phrase to start off with on a letter, right?! Typical I know. What kind of letter is this you ask?! Is this even a letter?! Well as you read on you can be the judge of that. It's a different type of letter, but it is meant to be for myself, to family, to the love of my life, to friends, to past friendships and anyone else who needs or wants to read this.

Yes, you have been through a lot, but you also have met people who have gone through a lot worse. Hardship isn't a competition though. The struggle isn't meant to be compared with others. We all have our own battles no matter what level we go through, but it just really depends on how you act upon it and how long it sticks with you. The longer it sticks the longer it has a major impact on the things you do. Sadly a lot of people compete on their struggles with others because they want to seem more "hurt".

For years depression always was a struggle and a hardship. I have had my share of many ups (positive state of mind) and downs (negative state of mind), but a lot of downs. I hated myself. I hated who I was. I hated who I became. For years I've done anything I could to get out of my depression state, but nothing seemed to help. Honestly deep down I didn't really want the help. I could care less. I was comfortable exactly where I was. It felt like everyday was nothing but dark grey skies and I was more than "OK" with that. I learned to go with whatever was thrown my way (good or bad) with a fake smile on my face. I was so angry, sad and determined to ruin my own life. So what changed recently?! The people who never gave up on me and saw my struggle gave me countless chances no matter how difficult or unreasonable I was being. They still reached out even after I went "off grid" and disappeared. I felt so alone for a really long time until I received really good advice, "You are never alone."

My family is amazing and extremely supportive. Although in the past I didn't feel that way. I was very defensive and I felt like they were out to get me. How silly, right?! They were only trying to help and I pushed them away. I didn't think too much of it at the time, but as life went on I realized how foolish I was being. Even after 21 I was behaving extremely childish. Do not get me wrong I love them more than anything and I am truly grateful for them, but with my depression I only saw destruction. I only saw myself and didn't care about my parents, brother or sister. I couldn't see what was in front of me which was unconditional love. I do now though.

The love of my life who I met in H.S. was the first person who saw me for who I truly was. He was my first love. He looked past all the hard times I went through back then. He never judged me for what I did. He trusted me and gave me something to look forward to each and everyday. When we broke up my senior year it shattered me into a million pieces. Now I know what you all are thinking...H.S. love breakup really?! This girl doesn't know anything about "LOVE" especially since I was still so young and you are right, I didn't. Back then though I was deeply in love and I thought nothing could touch me or us. Naïve, right?! We didn't break up though on bad terms. It wasn't like that. Life just got in the way and we went our separate ways. In between that time to now though I had a hard time maintaining a relationship. I really never stopped loving him though. Yes, I did fall in love more times than one with others, but it was all different. It was real love, but a different love. You could never forget your first love and how he made you feel. Sadly I compared all to *HIM*. I don't regret anyone in my past though. They were all truly amazing and took a chance on me even if it never worked out. Now I get another chance with the love of my life and I don't intend on pushing that away. I feel so confident and happy about this time with *HIM*. I know now what I need to work on to grow the relationship and make it strong and everlasting. To the love of my life: I am so glad you came back into my life when you did. Their are things about myself I learned while being with you. You were one of those missing pieces I needed to find. Thank you.

The friendships I have had in the past to now are all amazing. Some of the people who were/are there for me through thick and thin are still in my life. I couldn't be more thankful. Sadly, I've lost the best of friendships too. The best friendships where you stay up till 6 AM just talking, laughing, singing and having the time of your life. The ones that get your soul moving. I am here to tell you that it takes 2 to make any relationship and I made it one sided a lot of the time. When something went wrong in my life I went "off grid" and disappeared for months or sometimes a year. I even made it a fight to push them away. That is the worst move anyone could make. People have their limits. Even your best friend from childhood can only take so much from the way you act and yet they still will be there for you. Make sure you are there for them too otherwise you are only making it a one sided best friendship. Trust me, I know. If only I knew back then what I knew now maybe just maybe I'd keep those best friendships. If you do chose to reach back out to those best friendships you lost just remember their life has also changed and you won't be able to get back what you had lost with them. Don't expect them to welcome you back with open arms like nothing bad happened. That is okay too. Own up to your mistakes and move on. If they want to make it work then let it work. Don't push or try to force anything. I am grateful to those who reached back out to me even when I feel like I didn't even deserve their time or even a "hello". Thank you.

No matter what happens in your life keep going. Keep moving forward. I know, it is easier said then done, but life won't stop moving regardless of how you act or feel. Good things do happen in life. The sun will still shine after the rain. Everything you go through is a lesson. Learn from it and don't give up.

Sincerely,

_______