Dear Me

Dear Me:

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I let you down when you were younger. I’m sorry I made you feel less than, not good enough, and stressed out. I’m sorry that I failed you by not believing in you. That I let people talk to you the way they did. That I didn’t stand up for us. I let us be belittled, yelled at, abused, and used. I let us be neglected, starved, and scared. I should've yelled back. I should’ve protected us from those harming us. All the pain and misery you took will help you in the future, but that doesn’t mean you deserved it. Just because something made you stronger and smarter doesn’t mean it was helpful, worth it, or deserved. You deserved happiness and love. You deserved a fun, nurturing childhood free from fear and worry.

All the pain and suffering you went through was not your fault, but it did make you an amazing person. You did not deserve to be cheated on and lied to. Manipulated and used. You did not deserve the unwanted and unwarranted touches and stares. The rumors, the lies, and the pranks.

Through all this and more, you became stronger and learned lessons beyond your years. But you still deserved more than your trials. You are loved, welcomed, and wanted. You are needed and praised. You are strong and stubborn. You know who you are and what you’re worth.

Not only do you protect yourself, but you also protect others. You never give up in trying to make life worth it, and you never let others give up either. For as long as you try and keep fighting, they do too. You have people who have used you, but these people just want you. Nothing more and nothing less.

You meet your dreams plus more, you have amazing experiences, and a beautiful, messed-up family. Amazing pets and own your own home. It takes a lot of blood, sweat, and tears, but you do it. No life does not turn out how you think it does, but it’s so much more. Take all the pain and misery and let it be the fuel to your flame.

Your flame will burn low and it will burn bright, but it never goes out. I know I should have tried harder for us, but you would be proud of who we are today. How much we have overcome and how we did it. I may be the same scared child in my heart, but I’m also the same stubborn asshole kid that knows she deserves better and to never give up on what I want. Maybe when we are older, I’ll write a letter to the me that I am now, but for now, I still have things to heal within myself from when I was you. I wish I could tell you how to navigate what happens, but that is what makes you stronger and better. You will fight alone at times, but never let yourself down, and we will turn out fine.