Dear James,

This year, I celebrated my 21st year of life. My family bought me books I love and my best friend bought me the wonderful gift of meeting two people on my bucket list - one of which being my favorite author, John Green. I started reading when I was a sophomore in high school. No one really shared this love of books with me except for my cousin James. James lived far away and we didn't see each other much but that didn't stop us from becoming very close when he moved to Montana. I had just started my love for reading and he only stopped at our house for a day, but that day will be etched in my mind forever. He spent the whole day with me looking for a book, by my favorite author (John Green), titled "Paper Towns". We drove back and forth across town scouring for this book and we couldn't find it anywhere. Eventually we gave up and he gave me the only book he had with him, a copy of "Champion" by Marie Lu. That was the last time I would ever see James. We spent the summer calling each other at strange hours and discussing whatever book we were reading that week or whatever drama we caught ourselves in. He told me about the beautiful Montana sunsets and how he couldn't wait for me to come visit him. To this day, I still haven't seen a Montana sunset. I'm not quite sure if I'll ever want to. After he died, I found myself clinging to writing. I had just started a creative writing class and I fell madly in love. I wrote short stories and character descriptions and went through books like I go through a container of tic-tacs. I consumed myself with this world that he had loved so deeply. I promised him that I would live a life he never got to live - I would make a difference in the world and do lots of crazy, fun, meaningful things. 

         Years went by and I stopped reading and I stopped writing. I found myself in a place where I wasn't myself. Matter of fact, I wasn't really anything at all. I didn't do the things I loved, I didn't focus on the things I cared about, and I stopped making school a priority. One month, I even sold all of my books. For over a year, the only books that sat on my shelf were a copy of "Paper Towns" and the hardback book James gave me, "Champion". Over the past two years, I've added almost ten books to my empty collection. I have bought bookshelves and created a blog and started taking pictures again. I've created a podcast with my best friend and I have been trying to make school a priority. I find that as every year passes, I become more and more who I am and in so many ways, I find I become more and more who James was. I am confident and smart and funny and I may never be an extrovert like James, but I am way more social now. Every year now, I grow older than James ever got to be and at first glance, that is so sad and so hard for the ones who loved him to grasp but, as time passes, I find it easier to see him and hear him in the things all around me. I'd like to think he was there when I met John and Hank this summer and when I went to concert after concert these past few years. It fills my heart with joy to imagine him sitting in on the book club I created this past year with some of my good friends. 

        I am 21 now and he will never get to where I am. He will never do the big stuff like graduate college or get married or have children but he also will never do the small stuff - the stuff we founded our friendship on. He will never get to read John's new book (Turtles all the way down) and he will never get to go to another concert or buy another pair of those silly preppy short shorts he would always wear (and I would always make fun of). I'm sorry, James, you never got to do these things. I'm sorry you never got to grow up and become the person you wanted to be. It's overwhelming to think of all the times I'll get to do what you never did but it is comforting knowing that somewhere you are watching me write this and one day you'll see me write my first book. I'd like to assume you'd be my number one fan, but maybe that's just me being optimistic (;

       I can say with great pride that I have accomplished more this year than I have in a long time. I continue to grow and develop new passions and create new things and I would like to say that James is a big reason why. I am grateful to James and the small amount of time he spent being my friend when I was in high-school, because although we were only really close for a few months, he has impacted my life greatly. He is in every piece of writing I sit down to type and in every book I read. He is such a huge part of who I am and I wish that he was around to see it because he sure would be proud of me. 

Thank you, James, for helping me create the person I am today. 

Thank you, readers, for reading my work and helping me live out a life for James

With love, 

 Brittney