Dear Gianna

Agnieszka writes:

I am 32 and I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years. Our relationship is amazing. We always understand each other, we resolve conflict in such a healthy way. He is easy to love and makes me feel easy to love. He’s my lover and my best friend. However, we do have a problem: he’s always told me that he doesn’t want children, ever. At the beginning of the relationship I was OK with it, because I thought I didn’t want to throw away something so precious. But now, the more the clock ticks, the more the idea of giving up on motherhood forever scares me.

Do I sacrifice love or do I sacrifice my desire for motherhood?

Some friends tell me it doesn’t make sense to leave a man I love over something that might never happen anyway. Others tell me I would be crazy to stay and hope he changes his mind.

I feel torn between love for him and loyalty to myself.

Dear Agniezska,

Having to face such doubt, must be so hard in so many ways. On one hand a man who seems the perfect match for you, on the other hand you are longing for motherhood. How are you supposed to choose?

Well, you asked me the question and I had to sit down and find a possible path for you to follow: I think the first step we need to take is to understand the nature of that longing.

The fact that family structures have existed since pre-historic times, seem to suggest that reproduction is a natural behaviour for human beings. And of course, the preservation of the species is a natural instinct common to all mammals, there is no doubt on that.

However, anthropological and sociological research has shown that while reproduction is an instinctive behaviour for human beings, motherhood understood as a vocation, a desire or even the ultimate act of fulfilment for women is a social construct that reshapes itself depending on the historical and cultural context.

In The myth of Motherhood, Elisabeth Badinter argued that the idea of motherhood as the peak of female fulfilment, began to be idealised during the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries: when urbanisation pushed families into smaller homes (where mainly only the nuclear family lived), and having jobs that kept men outside the homes became more and more common, women were left with the responsibility for childcare and education. At the same time, bourgeois morality started placing the nuclear family as the centre of society, creating the idea of “total motherhood”.

Before the eighteenth century, motherhood was essential for the survival of family and community, but the notion of motherhood as a woman’s absolute vocation did not exist.

Motherhood was more of a social duty than a personal achievement. Not every woman longed to be a mother, but this was simply not discussed or questioned. It was taken for granted that a woman would, at some point, get pregnant and have children.

Today we have acknowledged the fact that motherhood implies a desire, but we insist that such desire must be universal. While the truth is, that not every woman feels the same about it.

Right now, the most helpful thing I can do for you is invite you to reflect: Heidegger can guide us here. According to the Philosopher, human beings can live in two modes: authentic and inauthentic. When we live in inauthentic mode, we conform to what others do and to society and its standards. When we live in authentic mode we take responsibility for our own choices, facing the fears and possibilities that define us. It doesn’t mean doing something extraordinary, but recognising that we have agency to shape our own path.

Longing for motherhood, like anything else in life, can be authentic (if it represents your deepest fulfillment) or inauthentic (it’s what everyone else does).

If, after reflection, you conclude that this desire belongs to your truest and most authentic self, then ignoring it would mean ignoring your telos. What is a telos? The Greek word telos means “end”, “purpose”, or “goal.” According to Aristotle, everything has a natural telos: for example, the acorn’s telos is to become an oak tree. Human beings too have a telos: the full realisation of our nature.

If your current relationship prevents you from reaching your telos, then you may need to face the painful possibility of letting it go. Ignoring your authentic self will not bring you happiness. In the long term it will transform in frustration and regret.

However, should you discover that motherhood is something ingrained in you as a normal step of life, just because everyone else does it, would you not be open to considering a different path? A different life project that allows you to realise your potential in other ways.

And what if this alternative life path was one that allowed the relationship with your partner to thrive even without children?

The truth is, no matter how much I write, I cannot tell you which path to take. There’s one thing only I can tell you: always choose yourself.

If you want extra help in your decision process, you could read

- The Baby Decision: How to Make the Most Important Choice of Your Life by Merle Bombardieri

- Why Have Children? The Ethical Debate by Christine Overall

You can also follow me on social media:

IG: @the_philosophical_love_coach

FB: The Philosophical Love Coach